It is Thursday the 29th of July 2021. I have not talked to my youngest son and family since the 6th of July. My heart is hurting but I am trying to give him space as he said he needed time to process. It is so hard when I love him so much and just want to talk.
I have talked to my oldest and grand daughter this past weekend. It was wonderful seeing them both and having a chance to catch up and see my grand daughter. She is growing so much and so quickly.
I am planning a trip back to the states in October so that I can see everyone and celebrate my grand babies’ birthdays. I am so excited to do this!
Things I am doing to keep active
I am now rearranging my creative room and making space for things to be able to move around and get those creative juices flowing. It has been quite cluttered as of late because I have been doing other things instead of clearing it up.
Ordering some pictures through Kodak online of my grand babies has been fun. It will be for my grand baby board my parents bought me when they found out my sons’ wives were pregnant. I am looking forward to showing it off.
As I sit here writing this I am at a window in my creative room where I can see all going on down our street. I observe the people coming and going and the cars, trucks and vans that go by. It is a pleasant quiet road we live on, except for when school is in session. We have a couple of parks near by that we take our dog walking in and get our exercise daily.
My Thoughts for the Day
My thoughts for the day are to see the positive side to everything, smile and say hello to anyone passing by, and enjoy life as much as you can. We are given one life and I have learned that I am where I am for a reason. I may not understand right now why, or what I am here for, but there is always a reason for everything. I am blessed to be alive and to live every day the best that I can.
I have decided to write on here like this is my diary. A section of my blog will now be my diary. I will use it so I can share things I am going through daily and to show others that I am a human just like everyone else and have my faults.
I have been on this blog space for a while. I started it to share things and get my head straight while going through my separation and divorce. During that time I have written a lot, made friends, been through counseling and learned a lot about myself and those around me and in my life.
Things I learned about myself
I learned so many things about myself, how I handle things, what needs to improve and what needs to stop being done. I learned that I am a very sensitive person. Feeling others’ feelings and emotions, as well as taking on those feelings and emotions as mine. Not only that, but that my heart is invested a lot in my relationships. To the point I let things hurt me a lot easier than some would.
Learning about boundaries and how they help in relationships was new. They are also difficult to put into place with those I love after I have never had them. Making myself available at all times for those I love was also a problem. I fed into others that I was always going to answer or be there immediately and do things for them. That had to stop for me to be happy. For I was making others happy without making myself happy. Don’t get me wrong, I love making people happy. I feel it is my calling. But I was doing it without thinking of myself in the long run.
So, now that I am trying to work with these changes for myself and others, it is causing some push back from those I love. I am praying that all will work out for us all in the end and just wish it would be now instead of later. But, we cannot control these things unfortunately.
More things I learned
I also realized that I was handling things all wrong in my marriage, my relationship with my boys and with myself.
When you deal with certain things over and over throughout your marriage as well as reacting to them eventually in the wrong way, they add up. Little by little you lose trust and faith. We both changed because of it and I couldn’t live that way anymore.
I now know it was a good move for him and me. He knows why he is the way he is and why he got worse over the years. His knowledge can now help and be a blessing to others. I now know why I reacted to it, how I reacted to it badly, and changed over that time as well. It is not where we planned to be in this time of our lives, but we are where we are.
During the time of the separation and divorce I did not help my relationship with my boys. The way I dealt with things was to “protect” myself and them by not sharing what I was going through and what I was doing/dealing with. Basically cutting myself off from them. I did this because I was afraid I would say the wrong thing about their father to them (you never want to turn your children against their other parent no matter what you are going through). I also didn’t think they should be pulled into our problems and feel they had to take sides. Yes, I realize this was wrong now. As they say, “Hind sight is 20/20.”
Unfortunately I feel they are still holding this against me as well as upset about my life decision to move to London and marry a man they don’t know and feel has taken their mother away. They have dealt with it negatively, to the point they now don’t communicate with me unless I reach out to them first. I know they want me there close so I can share in their babies growing and in their lives. And that is why I have tried to stay in close contact with FaceTime every couple of weeks and messaging to check on them. Family is important to me and even though I am here away from them and my family, it is so important to stay in touch, show support, and love one another.
My boys are my heart and I really want the communication back and the closeness we used to share back. I just want them to see we can make it work with me here and them there. I am planning on going back to the states in October so I can celebrate the girls’ first birthdays. No, I won’t be able to be there on their birthdays but in the middle so I can celebrate them both. They mean the world to me.
I was not handling things well during the separation and divorce and knew I needed help, someone to talk to. I finally decided to seek out counseling. Two years after our first separation I finally found someone to get that from. Trying online counseling first did not work for me. I knew I needed someone to meet with face to face. The first counselor just disappeared without a word. The second one was my saving grace. She helped me through so much in understanding myself, things I was going through, how to deal with anxiety/head thoughts/emotions, and how to put things back in place for me to be happy with me. I found out I had gone deep into unhappiness even though it showed differently in how I was around others.
I had lost myself and was finding me again. Yes, I have changed a lot. I am still me, but better. Better in my understanding of myself and others. Better about how I deal with things (yet still learning). Growing and learning more and more every day. To some it may feel like I am not the person they knew before, and that is true. I have changed. Getting to be better than I have been and growing into a person that continues to love as much as she did before, yet even more. I love life and want to enjoy it to the best of my ability. Living life in a negative light is not for me and I plan on making a difference before I die. I want to be a positive light in this world.
So here I am
I now live in London from the state of Georgia. Surrounded by love from my partner, friends, five cats and a dog. I talk to my parents weekly and keep in touch with my sister, as well as my boys and their families.
Now that I have shared a bit of background about myself and where I am, I will continue to share here in my diary. There is a lot more, but these are the basics to bring you up to where I am now. It is more for me, but if someone benefits from my ramblings and sharing, all the better!
I have worked so hard on myself for the past few years. Correcting all the bad habits and “survival habits” I had developed. That is, I have been unlearning bad habits I have learned over the years to make myself a better person for me and others.
When a habit that someone else did that I used to get upset about is pointed out to me by someone I care about that I am doing, I get very upset at myself. I was told I am deflecting the responsibility off of myself to someone and/or something else. Yet I was seeing it as talking out loud to work through what I had done to come to the conclusion that I was completely at fault. Unfortunately, by me doing this the person in question seeing and hearing this, felt slighted (which I would have too) because I reacted to him negatively while trying to work through it myself.
You see, to me I have had to work through things by myself for so many years that I have a system down that my mind processes things (normally out loud being by myself most of the time) to the conclusion. Not always the correct conclusion, but nine times out of ten it is the correct conclusion. It is just my way. The introvert in me is this way. And the sensitive person that I am takes things very personal very easily, as I always have. Which is very frustrating for me and I know has to be for anyone around me.
Thing is when you have someone else in your life or live with someone else, you have to coexist with that someone that has flaws just like you. And you either work with them and know what is there so you can live with them, or you move on from them because you can’t.
We discussed it, I know what I did and we are working together to handle the situation I messed up. I am also working on paying attention on how I handle these type situations in the future and why I react the way I do. It is a learning situation. There are always new reasons to learn and change. I totally believe this and live by it.
I have made a few mistakes in my life. We all do. Do you feel me in this? But if we don’t make mistakes we don’t learn, right? I can definitely say I have learned a lot in my fifty-three years of life so far. Mainly by experience, but a lot by observing, asking questions, and listening as well. I love to learn. We learn every day. We learn from each other, from our children, from nature, from our parents and grandparents, from strangers and everything around us. Even from ourselves. I think I have learned more from myself in the last few years than I ever thought possible. I mean, what in the world are you going to learn from yourself, right? A LOT!
Just A Few Lessons Learned
I have learned that I did not love myself. I learned that I had to let go of someone I loved dearly to be able to move on. I learned that things are not always as bad as they seem. I learned that our minds are not good to get lost in. I learned that even though you love others, their love for you can be changed by others, so you have to let them learn the truth on their own (yes, this one kills me). I have learned that what one person believes in you, even though it is not the truth, you cannot change that belief until they are willing to see the truth and admit it. I have learned that no matter what you do for some to help until they are ready, they will not help themselves. I have learned that you shouldn’t beat yourself up over things. I have learned that others are very judgmental, even those I love, and that hurts a lot, but I cannot control how they feel and I cannot put that on myself. And there is so much more, but I will stop there.
So, You See…
I have grown a lot in myself and it’s a shame it took until now, but I was always a “late bloomer”! Ha! Oh well. The thing is, I hope for my sons’ sake that they do not wait so long to be aware of all these things. I hope they learn from my mistakes and their father’s mistakes and their own mistakes combined to be set way ahead of where we are at our age! That would be great! They will be very wise if so 😉
Hopefully, they will not be stuck in their ways and/or judgmental that they are not open to seeing others and the good that is there that they can learn from or that they themselves can help or teach. They are both good men and I know it is there in them! I am so very proud of them every day and love them so very much. I don’t think they realize how much. And they have lovely wives that are beautiful intelligent women and are and going to be, the best moms to their children too. I look forward to seeing what the years to come bring to them!
And Now You Know
Anyway, I was in my feels this afternoon and wanted to jot it down and get it all out of my head. You know how that goes. I have felt a lot of anxiety during these months of the Covid-19 strife. Do you feel me in this too? Yes, I have talked to family and friends. I have even seen them. But it’s not the same. You are constantly cautious, wearing masks everywhere you go. Washing your hands or using the anti-bacterial liquid wherever you go (and if you don’t, feeling like you must). And when living alone it seems a bit more cut off from things. Thank goodness for my kitty being here. She keeps me laughing with her antics all the time.
I will be happy to finally be over all of this and move on, that is for sure!
Have a happy wonderful day my friends! I know I will 🙂
I witnessed an accident last night first hand. As I was sitting outside my house, beside my new fire pit, listening and watching a friend’s Live. I live beside a somewhat busy road in a town on the northeastern side of Georgia near I-85. People drive to fast down this road all the time. It is full of curvy twists and turns throughout and the speed varies from forty-five to fifty-five depending on the area you come to. In my area, it is supposed to be forty-five.
There have been several one-car accidents in this one particular curve. Not many have been reported. They are usually cars going too fast that run off the road and they start back up and drive on. On occasion though there will be a bad one. This was one of those occasions.
As I was sitting by my fire pit, I heard a vehicle coming down the road which sounded as if it was going too fast. I thought in my head it should really slow down or it might have an accident. Then as it came into view I saw a black truck. It came around the curve, hit the edge of my grass (which by the way is the top of a hill down to my lawn), he tried to overcompensate, to the left, then once again to the right, throwing the truck sideways into the trees across the street, smashing hard.
It took me a second to register what had actually happened. I then jumped up, scrolled out of the Live, into my phone, dialed 911, and was talking to a dispatcher who in turn connected me to the dispatcher to my county. Within, I think, less than five minutes the ambulance was out here. Then the other emergency vehicles such as police and fire trucks were here.
In the meantime, a few people that live in the neighborhood behind the trees he hit came around to make sure he was okay while I was on the phone and others started pulling over to make sure if help was needed. He slid out of the truck and as soon as the guys in the ambulance were out, they had him in the ambulance checking him out.
Life Can Change So Quickly
It’s amazing how quickly life can change within minutes. Here I was sitting quietly beside my fire pit enjoying my friends Live and suddenly someone almost lost his life for going too fast around a curve right in front of my eyes.
My point is, yes be cautious and know your limits. But also, enjoy life. Tell those you love that you love them, make sure they know it. Do the things you want to do, try the things you want to try, don’t wait for things to happen, make them happen. Go for it! You may never get the chance again. One of my favorite sayings is Live, Laugh, Love!
My Challenge To You
Know this, with each negative, there is a positive.
So as my challenge to you, do me a favor. As you end your day, think back and for each bad or negative thing that was in your day, think about the good or positive thing that happened to replace it.
Being so focused on my podcast and content for it, I have been very slack in my content here. I have a hard time seeing how people do all the things and don’t burn out!! Seeing folks that do writing, podcasting, YouTube, all media, etc., I don’t get it. I mean, ALL THE THINGS, along with family and sometimes even a full-time job! How the heck do they do it????
And here is little ole me, with my ADD self trying my hardest just to focus on getting my content done for my podcast and not get lost in the social media as I try to put the content on that social media for my podcast! Haha!
But Why Go From Blog To Podcast?
Maybe it would help if I explained a little bit better about how and why I decided to start doing a podcast.
As all of my reader friends pretty much know, I started writing my blog to get me through some rough times. A lot of us start blogs for this reason. Some for other reasons, like a live journal, or a calendar to keep tabs on ourselves, etc. Mine was to share things I was going through, get them out of my head, and maybe have others going through the same thing join me in understanding. Not to bash anyone or to get revenge. It was for my own peace of mind and relief from thoughts. And wow did it help! And the people and friends I have met have been wonderful!
So, in the last six months, since I arrived home a few days early from my trip to London because of the emergency of COVID-19, I have gone through many ups and downs, in not only emotions but happenings, thoughts, decisions, and experiences.
Emotions, Happenings & Thoughts
Like so many, I have gone through a multitude of emotions because of Covid-19. It started with the anxiety of having to decide to come home a few days early from my trip and be self-quarantined for fourteen days by myself. My parents graciously got me the things I would need initially and left them in the house so that once I was home that evening I would have them immediately. Then, over the next two weeks I had two close friends and my parents (again, bless them) check on me and bring me things voluntarily and when needed. I continued on past those fourteen days being uneasy and not knowing what to expect with this virus pandemic.
Believing I would be okay but worried about others I love, I was getting restless and falling into the negative thoughts. Not working, so I was trying to determine what to do to keep myself busy, continued to attend my counseling online, and do regular exercise so that I would not become lazy and depressed. Feeling and seeing all the hate and anger stemming from the social distancing and the worry people were going through, along with media hyping up certain things to raise anxiety, I was determined to find something I could do to help bring some positivity and light into the world if just a little bit.
My decision to lend my voice into the positivity mode
Once I realized I couldn’t do the singing that I love on a regular basis during this virus social distancing and quarantine time, I had to figure out some way to use this voice of mine. I was given this gift for a reason. So, after thinking long and hard about it, I decided to start a podcast. Why not, I thought! If it doesn’t work out I haven’t lost out on anything. But if I don’t try, I definitely might lose out on reaching someone or changing someone’s life in some way. Even my own. So, I started my journey with my podcast Coffee, Wine, & Chocolate. It released on August 17th with the trailer and then August 24th was the first full episode. Starting off slow and steady with short episodes, and I will eventually have a little longer ones with interviews but hopefully not much longer. It seems people like the short and sweet ones! Ha!
I have gotten some really good feed back so far. I have received two reviews and a few ratings. So, if you have listened to my podcast, if you would please take a few minutes to write a quick review, it would be much appreciated and helps others find me! 🙂
And if you haven’t had a chance to listen yet, please check it out. It is Coffee, Wine, & Chocolate. Found on every podcast player you prefer. The apple player link is in the title above. If you look it up in Google it is in Google podcasts, listen notes, buzzsprout, podchaser, and so many more!
Thank you my dear friends, readers and listeners! Have a blessed, happy positive day! And if it’s been a hard one today, think of one positive thing that has made you smile today or that you are thankful for today. And know there is at least one. For every negative there is always a positive.
I know many have taken the test and shared it with those they love or are partners with. I feel it is a very helpful tool for couples and anyone to know about themselves and those they love.
There are five love languages, and they are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. We all steer toward certain ones more than others as our preference. Once you take the quiz you then will know for yourself the love languages you lean more towards than others to make you the happiest. It’s a nice little way to get to know yourself and your partner or those you love just a little bit more.
I took the quiz at the end of March, when we were first starting to quarantine, self-isolate and social distance ourselves because of Covid-19, I saw a person mention the quiz in something I had read and decided to do the quiz again myself. It had been probably a year or two since I took the quiz and I couldn’t remember what my main one was and what order the rest were in.
My answers in the order I prefer:
Physical Touch – You feel especially loved when your partner touches you in loving ways. Whether it’s a spontaneous kiss, playful cuddle, or gentle, loving touch on the arm, you feel that touch conveys the love your partner feels. You don’t understand why people would prefer to sit far apart on different chairs or couches, when they could be touching or in each other’s arms. when walking together, you really enjoy your partner reaching out to hold your hand, and you’d never say no to them giving you a massage.
Quality Time – There’s nothing that makes you feel more loved than spending quality one-on-one time with the person you love. Great conversation and eye contact, flowing conversation, laughter and just being together. While fancy gifts and kindly spoken words are nice, you’d trade them any day for uninterrupted “together” time. You love it when your partner’s mobile phone is turned off or they sacrifice other important activities to spend time with you. Whether it’s a fancy restaurant or just cuddling up on the couch to watch a movie and laugh about it together, you’re happiest when you can share experiences together.
Words of Affirmation – You feel extremely loved when your partner compliments you on the way you look or on the things you have done. You love their encouragement and verbal support and save their cards and love notes as some of your most precious items. You are always filled with such love when you receive a card they’ve written that expresses their heartfelt love for you in their own little way, little poems they might write, or if they ring you spontaneously during the day to say they love you.
Acts of Service – You feel so loved when your partner does little things to help you. You always notice when they are thoughtful and put themself out to assist you, even if you could do those things yourself. There is such a sense of love and thankfulness you feel when they do this.
Gift Giving – There’s nothing better than receiving a thoughtful gift to make you feel loved in a relationship. Whether it’s a single flower or something much more expensive, you love being fussed over, spoilt, and thought of. The fact that your partner thought to give you something then organized it is very meaningful to you.
As you see, physical touch is my number one, with a score of 32. I notice I do this myself when around those I love and/or care for. I am always touching them, either on the arm, leg or back. Then quality time followed with a score of 30, of which I love to spend quality time with my partner and share things, getting to know them more and more; words of affirmation with a score of 29, in which I really appreciate words from a person being proud of me, nice complements or that I have done well in something; and both acts of service and gift giving with scores of 24 each, where, even though I like being taken care of and receiving gifts, which shows the other person cares for me too, I would much rather be the one doing the taking care of and giving gifts.
Now that you see how it works and what you are doing it for, go take the quiz and have fun finding out your love languages! It’s entertaining and very interesting to find out if you are right in the way you think your love languages will turn out.
Let me know, if you get a chance, in the comments below what your love language order is! 🙂
Ok, you guys! I am so nervous! I have taken way longer than I had realized it would take to get this underway but it is finally time! Over two months ago I shared with you that I would be starting a podcast in “a couple of weeks.” That was me having no clue how much time and patience it takes to get something like this started! Ha!
So, I have finally reached that place in time, almost eleven weeks later, where I am releasing my podcast! (EEEEK!!)
The name of the podcast is Coffee, Wine, & Chocolate – Inspired by People, Places, & Things. It focuses on positive, inspirational, and motivational people, and I will be talking about places and things as well. It will be carried on all players where podcasts are carried and heard (at least once it is approved). The introduction trailer is out now and can be found on Spotify, Stitcher, Podcast Addict, Podchaser, Deezer, and Listen Notes. Soon to be on Apple iTunes, Google Podcast, Amazon Music, iHeart Radio, Pandora, and TuneIn.
I am in the process of getting the website for the podcast up and running and will be sharing the podcast there as well. There is also a Twitter page of which I had to shorten the name to fit (@CoffeWineNChoc). 🙂
Yes, I am excited and nervous! I am excited because it is finally happening, and nervous, for the same reason but so much more. It means so much to me and I am just hoping others will like it too and hopefully get something out of it. I, personally, am getting something out of it by just sharing the people (which is where I am starting) I have learned of and know. Very soon I will be sharing interviews as well.
I hope that you will be able to join me each week. The episodes will be coming out each Monday and of course available at any time after that. Once you have listened, if you will do me a favor and rate and review the episode, I would greatly appreciate it. And, it will get the podcast seen more and help me out to let me know how I am doing.
Once you have listened and an idea or two comes to mind, please let me know! I would love to get any suggestions that I could possibly use for a later podcast episode!
Sending out a thank you to all those who have encouraged me and told me they are excited for me to get this going!! You don’t know how much it means to have you all by my side and not doubting that I could do this! I love you!
And so, off we go! The first full episode will be out next week, the 24th of August. It will be covering the one person I have written about here on this blog already, JT Laybourne. Each episode that comes out in the next four weeks will be less than 20 minutes with just me talking about people and this podcast. Once I start doing interviews the episode could be up to an hour. But I will not let it go longer than that.
Thank you all once again for your support and for coming back, even when I am gone for weeks at a time!
This past Tuesday, June 16, was my birthday. I used to make a big deal about birthdays and made sure my boys had a cake, gifts and we celebrated in style with a great dinner too. But as they got older, and I was not celebrated as much as I celebrated others, I started thinking it wasn’t a big deal and so made less and less of a celebration of other’s birthdays. I didn’t stop, I just didn’t make it as big a deal. I still made sure they had a cake, gift, etc., but I just didn’t go all out as I did before, especially as the boys got older, did things with their friends, and then went on to college.
I still never forget a birthday of my friends and/or family and always make sure I tell them happy birthday. I make sure my boys get birthday cards with at least a gift card or money so they can get what they want or have a dinner on me, and I try to call to talk to them on their special day. Unfortunately, even then I sometimes don’t get to talk to them nor get a callback. But, now that they are married and busy, I kind of understand. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I like it, but I do understand now that they have jobs, and a life separate from mine, their mom is no longer number one anymore. Sad, but true. That is how it should be though. As long as they don’t forget about me. 😉
To top things off, with the dreaded COVID-19 putting stress on the world, having to be in quarantine, and being worried about things opening up and how to deal with the changes, well, that just added to it. Granted, I did get lots of messages from friends and family telling me happy birthday, I was able to have lunch with my parents and had dinner with my friends across the street from me, but it just did not feel the same as it has been before. I wasn’t at the store I manage for my parents, so no talking to people. I didn’t have the one I love beside me to enjoy time with. I was on my own for most of the day and evening. I felt off the whole day and then had an emotionally charged day the next day. Hate those days!!
I also had to remind myself that others are going through things right now too and may not be dealing well with all the changes. They also may feel so cut off from others, they do not think of those special events or things that they normally remember because they are affected by other things happening, or not happening, in their lives.
My point is, I had a lot of thoughts and feelings in the last two days, and I want you all to know something. I want each of you reading this to know, you do matter! Make sure that you are celebrated and have a great day on YOUR special day. Even if it is you that celebrates you on your own. Make sure you take care of you and have fun! Yes, you want to make sure others know they are special and you remember them, but also make sure you are remembered too. You were put on this earth for a reason. We all were. You are worth the time and effort to be celebrated! Just know this and don’t ever think otherwise!
These are weird times we are in right now. This too will be behind us soon and there will be better days to come. Find something to enjoy. Something that makes you smile. Be silly, dance like no one is watching, laugh out loud as much as you can, love those around you, and make sure the ones you love know it. (You really can never say it too much!)
If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to say Hi, please don’t hesitate to leave me a message. I will respond.
I love you all!
(*These are thoughts and things I deal with. Your situation and life, of course, is different, as we all are. Doesn’t make a difference if worse or better, we all matter.*)