It’s funny how people are when you are going through things and are quiet for a while. Then when you post something on social media to show you are happy, or your partner does and tags you in it, you get messages from friends you haven’t heard from in quite a while. It is really great to hear from people when this happens because it shows that people do actually pay attention.
Then when you come home to the states, you have people you catch up with and see and they tell you how happy you look and like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. This makes me smile. Because I am happy. I feel loved, seen, heard and respected. It is an amazing feeling. And to be able to come home to the states and see those I love and have missed, it is wonderful to share special time with.
Things I realize
I have realized that my creativity and writing have come to a stand still. Being overwhelmed with the change my life has been going through has taken a front seat. And that is okay. We all need time to adjust and take it all in when this happens. No, some of us don’t get the time needed to do this. I am blessed at this stage in my life to be able to. So I have put my writing, podcast and any other creative works on hold for a bit. It is okay and I have to accept that this is normal and will pass.
So, for now I am here, going through the changes, understanding the changes and accepting them as they come. I am also trying to take it all in and pull from it all anything I can share with others. It is amazing the things you can learn when you open yourself up to what is going on in and around you.
To take away
My take away is this:
Make life what you can. Take all the good and bad that you go through and learn from it daily. Don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Love, be kind and help those you can, when you can. Be a light in the world and spread joy as often as you can.
Here I am again to talk about things going on with me
I have had a lot of changes in my life in the last few years. Now that I have been through the emotional changes, things going on around and getting through them, I am now realizing and experiencing physical things and changes. These are the things I am learning about in me.
I have been dealing with hearing loss in my left ear.
Beginning a couple of years ago I noticed something going on with my hearing in my left ear, especially when in the quiet car. It felt blocked and not right. I would turn on the music just so I wouldn’t notice it as much, thinking it was my sinuses draining and causing problems. Finally, I went to the doctor and was referred to an ENT. The ENT could not see a problem so sent me to get a hearing test done to determine if there was something inside. The testing came back mild hearing loss and so he suggested allergy tests to be done to rule out allergies.
This took a whole other turn! I was found to be allergic to basically everything outside plus cats! Allergy shots began. I had them every week for a year until I moved here to London. Now I give myself the shots once every month. However, I still had problems with my hearing in the left ear. It continued to feel like something is blocking it and I can hear movement like sinuses moving inside.
So, once here, I told my doctor about it and they sent me for an audio gram. The same analysis as before was given. Mild hearing loss. But, because I was hearing movement he suggested to my doctor that I be seen by an ENT. When telling my doctor this on my telephone appointment this morning she decided to first get an MRI done on the left ear to rule out a tumor. A tumor?!? Yikes! Okay, no reason getting worried until we get results.
So that is my hearing problems in a nut shell.
Now about my low back, hips, gluts and side of legs, especially the right side.
Before I came to London I was having some low back issues and even though I was getting massages every now and then when I could, the problems seemed to be getting worse. I was referred to Physical Therapy for a time before the pandemic hit and then did the exercises during the pandemic since I could not be seen by my therapist.
Once I came to London, I was being seen by a physiotherapist and continued to have problems and sensitivity in my lower back. She worked with a chiropractor and suggested I be seen by her. I was seen and wow what a change! By the second treatment the sensitivity and pain I had been living with was gone. My lower back was so much better it was astonishing.
I continued to be seen by them both, along with our yoga massage therapist and trainer every week. I felt I was getting stronger until I suddenly started getting pain down the outside of my legs. The right leg was worse than the left and continued to get worse. I finally tried to get in touch with the doctor to find out what I should do.
Over the phone I discussed with the doctor about what was going on (As you see above). She has suggested there may be arthritis in my legs that is causing the pain so is referring me for an x-ray. Once that is ruled out or verified we will go from there to determine treatment.
This is where I am
So, now I am in limbo to know what is going on with me but also moving forward at the same time. At least something is being done to determine what my issues are and then we can move on with treatment. I just feel like since I have reached this age (54) I have so many more issues yet feel more knowing of myself than ever before. The journey continues and I am actually looking ahead and expectant of what will be next in my life.
One thing I am very excited about is I will be flying home to the states in October to see my boys and their families, my parents, my sister, and my friends. My granddaughters will both be turning one year old in October and November. I get there between their birthdays so I can celebrate them while I am there for three weeks. How great is that?!
It is Thursday the 29th of July 2021. I have not talked to my youngest son and family since the 6th of July. My heart is hurting but I am trying to give him space as he said he needed time to process. It is so hard when I love him so much and just want to talk.
I have talked to my oldest and grand daughter this past weekend. It was wonderful seeing them both and having a chance to catch up and see my grand daughter. She is growing so much and so quickly.
I am planning a trip back to the states in October so that I can see everyone and celebrate my grand babies’ birthdays. I am so excited to do this!
Things I am doing to keep active
I am now rearranging my creative room and making space for things to be able to move around and get those creative juices flowing. It has been quite cluttered as of late because I have been doing other things instead of clearing it up.
Ordering some pictures through Kodak online of my grand babies has been fun. It will be for my grand baby board my parents bought me when they found out my sons’ wives were pregnant. I am looking forward to showing it off.
As I sit here writing this I am at a window in my creative room where I can see all going on down our street. I observe the people coming and going and the cars, trucks and vans that go by. It is a pleasant quiet road we live on, except for when school is in session. We have a couple of parks near by that we take our dog walking in and get our exercise daily.
My Thoughts for the Day
My thoughts for the day are to see the positive side to everything, smile and say hello to anyone passing by, and enjoy life as much as you can. We are given one life and I have learned that I am where I am for a reason. I may not understand right now why, or what I am here for, but there is always a reason for everything. I am blessed to be alive and to live every day the best that I can.
I have decided to write on here like this is my diary. A section of my blog will now be my diary. I will use it so I can share things I am going through daily and to show others that I am a human just like everyone else and have my faults.
I have been on this blog space for a while. I started it to share things and get my head straight while going through my separation and divorce. During that time I have written a lot, made friends, been through counseling and learned a lot about myself and those around me and in my life.
Things I learned about myself
I learned so many things about myself, how I handle things, what needs to improve and what needs to stop being done. I learned that I am a very sensitive person. Feeling others’ feelings and emotions, as well as taking on those feelings and emotions as mine. Not only that, but that my heart is invested a lot in my relationships. To the point I let things hurt me a lot easier than some would.
Learning about boundaries and how they help in relationships was new. They are also difficult to put into place with those I love after I have never had them. Making myself available at all times for those I love was also a problem. I fed into others that I was always going to answer or be there immediately and do things for them. That had to stop for me to be happy. For I was making others happy without making myself happy. Don’t get me wrong, I love making people happy. I feel it is my calling. But I was doing it without thinking of myself in the long run.
So, now that I am trying to work with these changes for myself and others, it is causing some push back from those I love. I am praying that all will work out for us all in the end and just wish it would be now instead of later. But, we cannot control these things unfortunately.
More things I learned
I also realized that I was handling things all wrong in my marriage, my relationship with my boys and with myself.
When you deal with certain things over and over throughout your marriage as well as reacting to them eventually in the wrong way, they add up. Little by little you lose trust and faith. We both changed because of it and I couldn’t live that way anymore.
I now know it was a good move for him and me. He knows why he is the way he is and why he got worse over the years. His knowledge can now help and be a blessing to others. I now know why I reacted to it, how I reacted to it badly, and changed over that time as well. It is not where we planned to be in this time of our lives, but we are where we are.
During the time of the separation and divorce I did not help my relationship with my boys. The way I dealt with things was to “protect” myself and them by not sharing what I was going through and what I was doing/dealing with. Basically cutting myself off from them. I did this because I was afraid I would say the wrong thing about their father to them (you never want to turn your children against their other parent no matter what you are going through). I also didn’t think they should be pulled into our problems and feel they had to take sides. Yes, I realize this was wrong now. As they say, “Hind sight is 20/20.”
Unfortunately I feel they are still holding this against me as well as upset about my life decision to move to London and marry a man they don’t know and feel has taken their mother away. They have dealt with it negatively, to the point they now don’t communicate with me unless I reach out to them first. I know they want me there close so I can share in their babies growing and in their lives. And that is why I have tried to stay in close contact with FaceTime every couple of weeks and messaging to check on them. Family is important to me and even though I am here away from them and my family, it is so important to stay in touch, show support, and love one another.
My boys are my heart and I really want the communication back and the closeness we used to share back. I just want them to see we can make it work with me here and them there. I am planning on going back to the states in October so I can celebrate the girls’ first birthdays. No, I won’t be able to be there on their birthdays but in the middle so I can celebrate them both. They mean the world to me.
I was not handling things well during the separation and divorce and knew I needed help, someone to talk to. I finally decided to seek out counseling. Two years after our first separation I finally found someone to get that from. Trying online counseling first did not work for me. I knew I needed someone to meet with face to face. The first counselor just disappeared without a word. The second one was my saving grace. She helped me through so much in understanding myself, things I was going through, how to deal with anxiety/head thoughts/emotions, and how to put things back in place for me to be happy with me. I found out I had gone deep into unhappiness even though it showed differently in how I was around others.
I had lost myself and was finding me again. Yes, I have changed a lot. I am still me, but better. Better in my understanding of myself and others. Better about how I deal with things (yet still learning). Growing and learning more and more every day. To some it may feel like I am not the person they knew before, and that is true. I have changed. Getting to be better than I have been and growing into a person that continues to love as much as she did before, yet even more. I love life and want to enjoy it to the best of my ability. Living life in a negative light is not for me and I plan on making a difference before I die. I want to be a positive light in this world.
So here I am
I now live in London from the state of Georgia. Surrounded by love from my partner, friends, five cats and a dog. I talk to my parents weekly and keep in touch with my sister, as well as my boys and their families.
Now that I have shared a bit of background about myself and where I am, I will continue to share here in my diary. There is a lot more, but these are the basics to bring you up to where I am now. It is more for me, but if someone benefits from my ramblings and sharing, all the better!