writing Archives - Wondering Belle

Do You Do This?

27 January 202527 January 2025 wbelle

(A young woman takes a break to do something analog like writing in her journal and drinking tea. This is a healthy practice for those who experience anxiety.)

Is It Just Me?

Have you ever felt like you overthink everything, or at least almost everything? Do you get emotional wanting to talk to loved ones but can’t because their lives are so busy they don’t have time? Are you a grandparent that lives far away from your grandbabies and just want to see them and give them a big hug? These are some of the things I was feeling today. I try so hard not to do this to myself, but sometimes I just can’t help it. My mind goes to this place and makes it hard not to think this way. Especially when I love my family so much!

It never fails. I get anxious and stressed knowing how I want so much for my boys to accept my new life, my new partner and that we all are living our best life right now. I know I have made mistakes and not handled things well. There are many things I am not proud of. I left and came to London, UK. I didn’t do it to get away from them and all my family and friends. I did it because it was the best for me and my partner medical wise.

Going through menopause and pretty much convinced I have ADHD to boot is not easy. I am going through emotions, pain, negative thoughts, weight gain, feeling of unworthiness, etc… Mentally not good because of all this and trying to work through it all. I have requested testing for ADHD so I can verify what I am pretty sure I have and learn ways to work with and through it. My youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was seven or eight. I didn’t realize it was a genetic thing, even though I was pretty sure his dad has it. I didn’t realize for women it is more internal than external symptoms. Once I started looking into it and seeing mine, is when I decided I needed to know for certain. So now I wait.

So, while I wait, I take an antidepressant to help with mood, anxiety and sleep. Vitamins and supplements to help with what is missing for my body as well as HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). These things are helping but not completely.

In the meantime, I stay busy by doing creative things. I do paintings, puzzles, writing, learning to play the flute again, singing with a choir, making candles, taking pictures and videos, trying to decide how to make a little money (I know I don’t need to but like to make sure I still can) and keeping up with friends and family. Add in a little traveling here and there and I am definitely not bored.

Unfortunately, I always swing back to my thoughts I deal with, missing family and friends, and wanting to know what to do to make myself feel normal again. If you feel this way as well, just know you are not alone and as soon as I know something more I will share it here.

Have a blessed week and enjoy the rest of January!

Belle xoxo

Mental Health, writing

Learning More Every Day

23 August 202423 August 2024 wbelle

Sitting outside in our back garden and enjoying the peace, I decided to do a video and share it on TikTok. It was so peaceful and relaxing I just had to share. Once I was done I watched it and did another video about my thoughts. When looking at the first video I just saw how I am getting old, or aging gracefully, as some will put it. As I said in the second video, you see all the changes you’re going through. And thinking about everything I am learning about myself, it’s amazing how you never stop learning. It doesn’t matter your age and what you are going through or have been through.

I wish I had known more before now of the things I know, but I know it now and can work with it. I am learning why I do the things I do and how to work with these particular things and the knowledge I now have. I have put in a request for testing but I am on a waiting list. The thing about realizing you are “different” is learning how to work with it and use it to the best of your abilities. Don’t let it be a negative, make it a positive in your life. Help yourself and others, if at all possible.

I have self-diagnosed myself as a neurodivergent, with ADHD and dyslexia tendencies. But to verify this self-diagnoses I need to have testing done and to learn how to use and work with it to make my life better. I believe the symptoms have always been a part of me and are now magnified somewhat because of my menopause (or maybe even added to).

None the less, I realize why I was the way I was: growing up, in school, with friends (or not with friends), with my ex and with other relationships with family (including my boys), in work, it is actually baffling and like a light bulb has been switched on. I apologize to anyone that misunderstood me or that I hurt because of not knowing myself. (I know it isn’t my fault not knowing or understanding, but I still feel bad about it.) It is actually no one’s fault, it is just what and how it is.

And yes, I know it is as if everyone has come out with these “problems.” The thing is there is so much more information on ADHD, Neurodivergence, Dyslexia, etc… Knowing helps us to understand and work with these things. Just like everything, it will mesh back into everyday life findings and we will continue to function better because of the knowledge we learn from it.

Enjoy in the learning and understanding of things and people around you and have an amazing day and weekend!

xoxo

Poem, writing

Awful Thoughts

17 February 202417 February 2024 wbelle

My mind can pull me in to awful thoughts

Especially when feeling down and a bit off

I used to be so focused and clear in my plans and goals

But somehow in the process I went down a hole

The more I allowed myself to be persuaded by others

The less confident and good I felt about myself being the author

Of my life and how things should go

It’s like I let others take control and run the show

Now that I know myself and the boundaries to set

I am a bit better about knowing what and where to get

My mind and thoughts to when they fall into the negative

To use positive, affirmative and not just sedative

Means to deal with how I am feeling and going

So that I can manage the thoughts of loathing

And self-hate I let myself fall into over a short period of time

It doesn’t last and therefore gives me a chance in a lifetime

To make things right not just for me but those around me

Making things as right as can be

For now at least, and that is me hoping

That I have not completely screwed up my relationships and coping

By letting those near and dear to me know how much I care

And how much I am sorry for my way of dealing and dare

To feel empathetic to those I love so very much

But also understand that just a touch

Of the same from others can mean to me, but also one another.

This is a poem I wrote a while ago and didn’t publish. It is from my heart and what I feel so many times. Love to you all. – Belle xoxo

writing

Ponderings

30 January 202430 January 2024 wbelle

Today is the thirtieth of January, 2024. This month has flown by as the years seem to be doing. My grand babies are three (grand daughters) and three months (grand son). I sit here on our couch in the living room looking out the window with our dog laying in front of me and one of our cats vying for my attention. It is a cloudy day with the sun trying to pop out from behind the clouds. Each day we plan things and only get to maybe half of what was planned, but at least we get that much done.

I am getting over a nasty cold I have had for the last five days and finally feeling toward the end of it. I have tried out Tai Chi and Zumba these last two days because the pilates classes I go to are full due to the first part of the year new year resolutions of those going back to the gym for the first month. Loved the Tai Chi and already have scheduled another class for next week. The Zumba was fun and I might try a different instructor just to get a feel for the different instructing, even though I really enjoyed the instructor today.

I have done a lot of writing, reading and playing games recently. It keeps me busy until I can get a chair in my studio and a stool to work on at the table. I have also started making candles which I am loving. I am still doing videos for social media but not as much. We have a lot of goals this year so are making lists to keep up with them.

Among all of this, I am just enjoying being alive. I am loving the people around me, and of course my family and friends that are far away from me. I try my best to stay in touch with everyone regularly, but it is really hard at times. All the same, I am hoping they do know how much I love them.

We won’t be as busy tomorrow so I hope to get a lot more done. We will be steadily busy but able to fit things in for the rest of the week. Then we have a friend coming to stay for the weekend so that will be fun!

Have a great rest of your week and I will try to update as often as I can.

Belle xo

Me, writing, topics, sharing

Hello Again!

25 August 202325 August 2023 wbelle

close up photo of hello sunshine book — Photo by Jessica Lewis Creative on Pexels.com

Having Covid for the first known time, I am so ready for it to be gone. I know it is not as bad as some have dealt with. By no means even close. It is all sinus yuck and continues to hang on. It has been nine days and the test still shows positive. Some would say that is normal, but I am not a patient person when I am sick, and like to get out there with people. Not a lot of people, definitely not a crowd, but my people. The community that is now mine. The friends and acquaintances that have made me feel a part of this place I now find myself in. But for now, I have to use a mask to protect them from the sickness that is staying in me and my partner. It makes me feel like I need to stay away and protect them from what I have and I don’t like feeling that way. I did that five, no six, years ago for a different reason and I don’t like myself for it. So feeling the same, it makes me dislike it even more.

But, here we (me and my partner) are with this dang Covid mess and trying to get better daily so that we can get back out there without feeling this way.

So, as we work to get better, we do what we can with our social media, podcasts, responding to emails, etc… Unfortunately, my creative studio is put on hold as well. The HVAC guys were supposed to come today to start with the installation of my unit and then tomorrow the electrician. So, until we show a negative test we will need to put off the guys coming in for a few days.

In the mean time I have been taking the time to read, along with other things needing to be done. I think I have read more this year already than I have in a very long time. 🙂 And this I do not mind at all!

I have read three books by Emmy R Bennett: Eye of the Raven, Eyes of Wynter and Different Shade of Wynter; Fair and Fury: The Fate King’s Mortal, Book 1 by Devon Atwood; Wonder Drug by Jennifer Vanderbes; Carolina Moon by Nora Roberts; and right now Playing To Lose by Ariel Anderssen. All great books! Not to mention the books we are reading together when we are in the car or traveling.

We continue to keep ourselves busy and occupied while getting through the Covid. I hope you all are staying well and healthy. And remember:

You are always loved, needed, wanted and you make a difference in people’s lives.

Belle xoxo

sharing, writing

Thoughts for the Day

28 July 202328 July 2023 wbelle

As I am preparing to record my next podcast I started thinking about life and all I have done in this year so far. More than half has gone and it is August in just a few days. The last podcast I did was in March, that’s how busy we have been. My partner and I always stay busy. If we aren’t traveling, we are doing things around here because there is so much to see and do. Things I have never seen nor done and some that even he has not done, so it benefits us both.

I miss my family since they are all in the United States and I am here in the UK, therefore I try to go three to four times a year to see them and spend time with them. Especially since I have two grand daughters and soon to have a grand son! I usually stay with my parents, which is very special to me. I know how important it is to be close to my parents and make memories with them. The same in seeing my boys and their families. Memories and time with them is so important and precious to me. Much more important than I ever realized. So much I took for granted before.

Also, I realize there are things I still need to learn to do, even at my age of 50+. If I ever am on my own again, I will need to take care of things I have trusted others to do, or did not realize at all were needing to be done. There are also things I used to put off for one reason or another and now that I am understanding why, I just need to learn how to deal with this quirk I have and work with it. It is who I am and the more I can learn to work with it the better off I am in myself.

*Do you have any quirky things you have learned about yourself recently? What are these things? It’s good to know others are in the same area and not alone.*

These are just a few things I just wanted to jot down and get out of my head. The constant swimming around in your head and not letting them out just causes you to overthink and be anxious. I know I am not alone in this so thought I would share.

Have a great day/week/weekend!

Belle xoxo

writing, Season

Tis The Season

21 December 202121 December 2021 wbelle

Tis the season to contact loved ones and friends.

It is the time of year to let those in your life or in your heart know you are thinking of them and want them to know you love them. Just because they know it doesn’t mean they don’t like or need to hear it.

I am in a new country now. Yes, it is my choice to be here. It is also my choice to decide how I live my life. As well as my choice to contact those I love, and I do. The only thing that hurts my heart is when I am the one doing most of the contacting. Even when I was having a hard time through the changes in my life that I was going through, I was continuing to contact. No, I wouldn’t go into long detail of my life or tell people (even those I was close to) the things I was going through.

Tis the season to remember the past.

I honestly felt it would be burdening those I love with my problems and my feelings. To me, everyone is going through something. I know that at times it is nice to hear someone else’s problems because it takes you away from your own problems. But, I was afraid I would say something stupid or mean that would get back to the person I was having the problems with. So I stayed silent. Especially to my boys. I have always believed you don’t pull children into your problems because you don’t want to persuade them either way of how to feel about their other parent. And that includes your adult children.

I agree, I didn’t handle things the way I should or could have. I blocked those I love and built up a wall that has been very hard to let back down. But with that I have learned so much about myself and others. Am still learning as a matter of fact. Being thankful for the years with my children as they grew up and the huge part that is being a mother. Having a grateful heart for all the lessons and ups and downs that have made me who I am today.

Tis the season to look to the future.

Looking to the future, I know there are still some hills to climb and walls to tear down, but it will take time. Hopefully we have the time needed to heal and tighten the relationships that were injured or broken, and still have time to be close and share things as we used to.

My plan is simple. To live my life to the fullest, see my family and friends as often as I can, travel and help others as much as I can. If I can in the mean time make people smile and feel better about themselves, all the better!

To look fully to the future we must live in the present. Make the most of each day. Verify the ones you care about know it. And, I want to make a difference to someone or something in the world, even if it is just one person or a small something. I know I am where I am for a reason, I have always believed that.

I love you all and wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

Belle xo

Diary of Me

Dear Diary – 21 October 2021

21 October 202121 October 2021 wbelle

Thoughts of the day

It’s funny how people are when you are going through things and are quiet for a while. Then when you post something on social media to show you are happy, or your partner does and tags you in it, you get messages from friends you haven’t heard from in quite a while. It is really great to hear from people when this happens because it shows that people do actually pay attention.

Then when you come home to the states, you have people you catch up with and see and they tell you how happy you look and like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. This makes me smile. Because I am happy. I feel loved, seen, heard and respected. It is an amazing feeling. And to be able to come home to the states and see those I love and have missed, it is wonderful to share special time with.

Things I realize

I have realized that my creativity and writing have come to a stand still. Being overwhelmed with the change my life has been going through has taken a front seat. And that is okay. We all need time to adjust and take it all in when this happens. No, some of us don’t get the time needed to do this. I am blessed at this stage in my life to be able to. So I have put my writing, podcast and any other creative works on hold for a bit. It is okay and I have to accept that this is normal and will pass.

So, for now I am here, going through the changes, understanding the changes and accepting them as they come. I am also trying to take it all in and pull from it all anything I can share with others. It is amazing the things you can learn when you open yourself up to what is going on in and around you.

To take away

My take away is this:

Make life what you can. Take all the good and bad that you go through and learn from it daily. Don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Love, be kind and help those you can, when you can. Be a light in the world and spread joy as often as you can.

Belle xo

Is It Just Me?

If I died tomorrow

Tis the season to contact loved ones and friends.

Tis the season to remember the past.

Tis the season to look to the future.

Thoughts of the day

Things I realize

To take away