(A young woman takes a break to do something analog like writing in her journal and drinking tea. This is a healthy practice for those who experience anxiety.)
Is It Just Me?
Have you ever felt like you overthink everything, or at least almost everything? Do you get emotional wanting to talk to loved ones but can’t because their lives are so busy they don’t have time? Are you a grandparent that lives far away from your grandbabies and just want to see them and give them a big hug? These are some of the things I was feeling today. I try so hard not to do this to myself, but sometimes I just can’t help it. My mind goes to this place and makes it hard not to think this way. Especially when I love my family so much!
It never fails. I get anxious and stressed knowing how I want so much for my boys to accept my new life, my new partner and that we all are living our best life right now. I know I have made mistakes and not handled things well. There are many things I am not proud of. I left and came to London, UK. I didn’t do it to get away from them and all my family and friends. I did it because it was the best for me and my partner medical wise.
Going through menopause and pretty much convinced I have ADHD to boot is not easy. I am going through emotions, pain, negative thoughts, weight gain, feeling of unworthiness, etc… Mentally not good because of all this and trying to work through it all. I have requested testing for ADHD so I can verify what I am pretty sure I have and learn ways to work with and through it. My youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was seven or eight. I didn’t realize it was a genetic thing, even though I was pretty sure his dad has it. I didn’t realize for women it is more internal than external symptoms. Once I started looking into it and seeing mine, is when I decided I needed to know for certain. So now I wait.
So, while I wait, I take an antidepressant to help with mood, anxiety and sleep. Vitamins and supplements to help with what is missing for my body as well as HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). These things are helping but not completely.
In the meantime, I stay busy by doing creative things. I do paintings, puzzles, writing, learning to play the flute again, singing with a choir, making candles, taking pictures and videos, trying to decide how to make a little money (I know I don’t need to but like to make sure I still can) and keeping up with friends and family. Add in a little traveling here and there and I am definitely not bored.
Unfortunately, I always swing back to my thoughts I deal with, missing family and friends, and wanting to know what to do to make myself feel normal again. If you feel this way as well, just know you are not alone and as soon as I know something more I will share it here.
Have a blessed week and enjoy the rest of January!
Sitting outside in our back garden and enjoying the peace, I decided to do a video and share it on TikTok. It was so peaceful and relaxing I just had to share. Once I was done I watched it and did another video about my thoughts. When looking at the first video I just saw how I am getting old, or aging gracefully, as some will put it. As I said in the second video, you see all the changes you’re going through. And thinking about everything I am learning about myself, it’s amazing how you never stop learning. It doesn’t matter your age and what you are going through or have been through.
I wish I had known more before now of the things I know, but I know it now and can work with it. I am learning why I do the things I do and how to work with these particular things and the knowledge I now have. I have put in a request for testing but I am on a waiting list. The thing about realizing you are “different” is learning how to work with it and use it to the best of your abilities. Don’t let it be a negative, make it a positive in your life. Help yourself and others, if at all possible.
I have self-diagnosed myself as a neurodivergent, with ADHD and dyslexia tendencies. But to verify this self-diagnoses I need to have testing done and to learn how to use and work with it to make my life better. I believe the symptoms have always been a part of me and are now magnified somewhat because of my menopause (or maybe even added to).
None the less, I realize why I was the way I was: growing up, in school, with friends (or not with friends), with my ex and with other relationships with family (including my boys), in work, it is actually baffling and like a light bulb has been switched on. I apologize to anyone that misunderstood me or that I hurt because of not knowing myself. (I know it isn’t my fault not knowing or understanding, but I still feel bad about it.) It is actually no one’s fault, it is just what and how it is.
And yes, I know it is as if everyone has come out with these “problems.” The thing is there is so much more information on ADHD, Neurodivergence, Dyslexia, etc… Knowing helps us to understand and work with these things. Just like everything, it will mesh back into everyday life findings and we will continue to function better because of the knowledge we learn from it.
Enjoy in the learning and understanding of things and people around you and have an amazing day and weekend!
Today is the thirtieth of January, 2024. This month has flown by as the years seem to be doing. My grand babies are three (grand daughters) and three months (grand son). I sit here on our couch in the living room looking out the window with our dog laying in front of me and one of our cats vying for my attention. It is a cloudy day with the sun trying to pop out from behind the clouds. Each day we plan things and only get to maybe half of what was planned, but at least we get that much done.
I am getting over a nasty cold I have had for the last five days and finally feeling toward the end of it. I have tried out Tai Chi and Zumba these last two days because the pilates classes I go to are full due to the first part of the year new year resolutions of those going back to the gym for the first month. Loved the Tai Chi and already have scheduled another class for next week. The Zumba was fun and I might try a different instructor just to get a feel for the different instructing, even though I really enjoyed the instructor today.
I have done a lot of writing, reading and playing games recently. It keeps me busy until I can get a chair in my studio and a stool to work on at the table. I have also started making candles which I am loving. I am still doing videos for social media but not as much. We have a lot of goals this year so are making lists to keep up with them.
Among all of this, I am just enjoying being alive. I am loving the people around me, and of course my family and friends that are far away from me. I try my best to stay in touch with everyone regularly, but it is really hard at times. All the same, I am hoping they do know how much I love them.
We won’t be as busy tomorrow so I hope to get a lot more done. We will be steadily busy but able to fit things in for the rest of the week. Then we have a friend coming to stay for the weekend so that will be fun!
Have a great rest of your week and I will try to update as often as I can.
I feel in limbo for some reason at the moment. I need a purpose to focus on. I feel I am missing my boys so much I am overthinking things again and misreading signs. I haven’t been able to go back to the states as I usually do (three to four times a year) due to prices going up and our doing the studio redo this year. I can’t contact my youngest son through message nor calls because of his phone for some reason, and my contact with my oldest son is usually short. So, I can’t help myself from feeling they are cutting me off more for some reason. I know this is not true, but that is my thought process when in the negative mode and self loathing. Not good, but at least I know when I am there and need to work through it.
I have talked to my youngest through Instagram now and know his new phone is not accepting messages, he is hopefully going this week to get it fixed. I also talked to my oldest and he told me to stop being so negative. Haha! He knows. So all okay. *shrug* Like I say, the communication is so important for me. Especially after I was so bad for a few years about communicating with my loved ones to block myself and them from hurt as I was going through my separation and divorce. That was wrong and I know it and am trying to make sure I don’t do it again.
Yesterday was Mental Health Day and I didn’t even realize it. It is so important to know yourself and what you need to work on with your mental health. Get the help you need. Whether it be counseling, medicines or just learning ways to help you cope. For me, counseling was so helpful in the beginning. She helped me work through things, understand myself so much better and gave me coping skills I would never have had if it weren’t for her. Once I moved away, I carried that with me, along with meds that have leveled most of my anxiety and emotions from getting out of control. I am on a lower dose so know this is also a reason my emotions are at a higher level at the moment.
I don’t know about you, but change of season also has a bearing on my mood. When it starts to get darker sooner and the days get shorter it takes a bit to get through that until the wonderful holiday season to lift the spirits. Celebrating Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year are usually times for great celebrations and uplifting of spirits that make you happy, smiling and sharing the joy with others. The decorations, lights and uplifted moods of others help so much. At least they help me. I know for others it is not a good time of year for them. This is hard and I recommend trying to find the best coping skills available if at all possible.
If you can, surround yourself with positive people and ones that love and support you. I have some amazing friends and family that support me and love me no matter what I am going through (even when I don’t think I deserve it or think I’m alone when I am not). Also, realize one of the best things you can do is to learn to love yourself and be comfortable with who you are enough to be happy to be alone with yourself.
These are things that have helped me through some hard times :
A journal
Starting a blog
Music
Drawing, coloring or some other form of art
Reading
Social Media (this one is a positive outlet until it isn’t anymore. Once it isn’t, let it go)
Games & puzzles
Learn something new, like recipes or a language
These have helped me a lot and I still use most of them when I need to. I hope they can help you or anyone you know that might need these suggestions.
With that, I say have a great day, make great choices, love yourself and those around you. Live life to the fullest and don’t take one moment for granted.
(A young woman takes a break to do something analog like writing in her journal and drinking tea. This is a healthy practice for those who experience anxiety.)
As I am preparing to record my next podcast I started thinking about life and all I have done in this year so far. More than half has gone and it is August in just a few days. The last podcast I did was in March, that’s how busy we have been. My partner and I always stay busy. If we aren’t traveling, we are doing things around here because there is so much to see and do. Things I have never seen nor done and some that even he has not done, so it benefits us both.
I miss my family since they are all in the United States and I am here in the UK, therefore I try to go three to four times a year to see them and spend time with them. Especially since I have two grand daughters and soon to have a grand son! I usually stay with my parents, which is very special to me. I know how important it is to be close to my parents and make memories with them. The same in seeing my boys and their families. Memories and time with them is so important and precious to me. Much more important than I ever realized. So much I took for granted before.
Also, I realize there are things I still need to learn to do, even at my age of 50+. If I ever am on my own again, I will need to take care of things I have trusted others to do, or did not realize at all were needing to be done. There are also things I used to put off for one reason or another and now that I am understanding why, I just need to learn how to deal with this quirk I have and work with it. It is who I am and the more I can learn to work with it the better off I am in myself.
*Do you have any quirky things you have learned about yourself recently? What are these things? It’s good to know others are in the same area and not alone.*
These are just a few things I just wanted to jot down and get out of my head. The constant swimming around in your head and not letting them out just causes you to overthink and be anxious. I know I am not alone in this so thought I would share.
I flew to the states to see my family and friends before Christmas. I would be there for two weeks (13 days). Planned on seeing my sons and their girls the Sunday of the full weekend I would be there, to celebrate Christmas with them. Unfortunately I received a call from my oldest to tell me he had Covid so would need to reschedule our get together. So we decided I would get with my youngest son and his girls and then later in the week hopefully see my oldest and his girls.
So during my first week I saw many friends and on Saturday my parents and I met my sister and brother in law for dinner. Then we drove together to see Christmas lights called Lights of Hope. We had a good time together and it was so great seeing them.
Sunday I drove a little over two hours to see my youngest, my daughter in law and my grand daughter. We had such a great time together. He cooked pancakes for brunch, they opened gifts, we went shopping at a market in town, and then we had chicken Alfredo which my son cooked as well. A wonderful time spent together, but of course too quick and too short.
Saw more friends during the week and then my parents and I went to the botanical gardens in Athens where right at the end when we were in the shops before leaving, we came across the best surprise of all. My wonderful friend from high school and her husband (also a friend from school) and their grand daughter. I was so happy to see them, especially her, when I am guessing it has been about twenty eight years since we have seen each other. 🙂 That was such an unexpected treat!
Then after talking to my oldest son, we decided to be smart and responsible and not meet up since he was just getting over Covid, my daughter in law now had it and the little one might possibly have it. (Received a text this morning that she is positive) So, he called by FaceTime and we talked, I got to see my grand daughter, he took me on a tour of the new house and I saw my daughter in law. I then sent their presents the next morning to make sure they got them before Christmas. I was told they would be there the next day! Amazing!
Today, my last full day here in the states, I will be spending with my parents. We are going to see my cousins and Aunt and Uncle for a late lunch. It is a little over two hours one way so not too bad but will take up the rest of the afternoon. Can’t wait to see everyone.
Then I get a flight out tomorrow evening back to London and will arrive Sunday morning.
Now back in London
My flight back was good and uneventful, thank goodness. I was even able to get a few hours sleep, which I normally don’t do on flights. Jetlag was not bad this time, thank goodness. Being the week before Christmas, we had a lot to do. Our physiotherapist ended up with the flu, our girl that does our hair had an accident which totaled her car, so that wasn’t good news. However, it did free us up to do other things that needed doing. We met with friends on Friday before Christmas for a few hours, went to Winter Wonderland in London on Christmas Eve, which both were a lot of fun! So, all in all it was a good week leading up to Christmas Day.
On Christmas Day my step daughter came and spent the afternoon with us as well as our neighbor across the street, we had dinner and exchanged gifts and just enjoyed each other’s company. I also had FaceTime calls from my boys and my parents/sister.
On Boxing Day, we were not able to spend the day with my other step daughter and her family because they were dealing with the flu. So, we decided to go to downtown London and enjoy the lights. The lights in London are always so beautiful and magical. Even with all the craziness of loads of people being there, we really had a good time and took lots of pictures. 🙂
We are now looking forward to Wednesday night at Southbank Centre to see Dolly Parton Christmas Carol, New Year’s Eve with my step daughter and her family to see the lights and then on my husband’s birthday we are going to see ABBA! We are really enjoying this time of the year, even though at times one of us, if not both, have been a bit anxious for one reason or another.
Happy Holidays
With all this said, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas holiday with lots of treats as well. I wish you all a very happy holiday and a brilliant new year!!
My partner and I were part of an incredible event this week. The EDD22 where experienced and young entrepreneurs came together to discuss moving forward in a digital world and how to have complete inclusivity for all countries.
My partner, Geoff, was a moderator for the Digital Studio (2) and I was basically there to help him and to take bullet point notes for each session. I must say, it was an impressive two days and a lot went into and behind it.
The event took place in Brussels, surrounded by beautiful structures and land marks. So, not only did we enjoy and learn a lot while at the conference, but we made sure to enjoy some of our beautiful and fun surroundings while there.
Day One
During the conference, in Studio 1, from the first session, we heard how there is an initiative to work with Africa’s green growth and progress, affordability and capital, climate resilience, guaranteed digital and infrastructure and what is called twin transition. Twin transition is meaningful connectivity, greener internet and there are three things it concentrates on. Those three things are accept the circular economy (use, recycle, reuse); impact assessments, minimize by sharing, affordability in connectivity; and wholistic response.
From the second session, we heard about startups and young entrepreneurs. The panel discussed AfriLabs, one of the most growing entrepreneurships; using digital tools to reach the smaller entrepreneurs and smaller financing; the global gateway; software sustainability objects; partnerships being so important; and having a growth place for young entrepreneurs and startups.
The third session dealt with innovations between Europe and Africa. The panel discussed the importance of designing programs, having programs to help entrepreneurs, people who know how to adapt the network, trust and funding, and how feed back from entrepreneurs is so important to listen to.
In Sessions four, the panel discussed the EU bringing priorities to open and secure internet, being more open to connectivity and making the internet stronger in protection against malwear and censorship. They talked about the importance of digital education and rights for children and women in more friendly technology and understanding. Inclusivity being so important in today’s world.
Session five had a panel discussing connection struggles; tech for democracy and human rights; internet shut downs, India being the number one country last year with 109 shut downs; so many factors shutting down the internet; human rights being limited and key word filtering; and about tools being abused and misused.
Session six was a panel of Spanish speaking women discussing the online gender-based violence and how there needs to be advancing digital rights in Latin America. They talked about having a public campaign of literacy; hope to reposition the topic of gender violence online; work to find out what happens with children online; violence normally found in society is now showing up online; and how sometimes it takes 8 years for a case to get in court.
And this was only the first day! It was filled with so much information and in such a short period of time, but so enlightening. We followed that up the next day with three more sessions.
Day Two
In session seven, the panel discussed digital technologies for inclusive climate and responsive development. They talked about how it took a pandemic to bring out the digital means of communication to the forefront; financial services being important; the role of digital, solution or pollution; ethical and social issues are now environmental issues; developing guidelines for including digital in financial sustainability; mobility services working with public transport; work on biodiversity, destination earth; and blockchain (per Wikipedia: a growing list of records, called blocks, that are securely linked together using cryptography.[1][2][3][4] Each block contains a cryptographic hash of the previous block, a timestamp, and transaction data).
Session eight, the topic was catalyzing young agri-entrepreneurs successes. The panel discussed the importance of starting businesses that use the resources in the area to produce product and providing that product to the local areas. There was a Mango farm and the products they produce and what they plan to do in the future; an organic waste company turning that organic waste into bio-fertilizer; as well as a company called The Market Movers that began providing products to the locals online (a digital platform) that has grown so quickly, starting 10 to 10 thousand and they now reach 500 thousand people by delivery. You could just feel the pride of what they had done.
The last session, session nine, was on tracing textiles and advanced technologies for sustainable value chains. The panel discussed global gateway in textiles for clothing and shoes; the importance of transparency and that it is becoming more available; collaboration across the value chain, facing a lot of problems and complexity but making visible what is invisible; the need to build capacity; and having traceability components.
Needless to say, the information that was shared in the two days we were there, we learned so much and that was just in the studio we were in! There were five topics you could tap into. Those were Digital (where we were), Transport, Climate & Energy, Health, and Education & Research, along with meeting rooms and exhibits you could join.
So, while there at the conference, we had to see some sights as well.
We went on a ride of the ferris wheel called The View. It was so great to see all the area in one place!
Then we went to the Grand Place. One of the most beautiful and ornate central squares I have seen yet. I understand that it is extra beautiful at Christmas time with the snow and lights adding to the atmosphere!
We also took in some amazing food, saw the Atomium (picture up top – went inside the structure) and the gorgeous Our Lady of Laeken church. It was all so amazing and I hope we can go again soon.
I look forward to our next journey and where it leads us. 🙂
It is the time of year to let those in your life or in your heart know you are thinking of them and want them to know you love them. Just because they know it doesn’t mean they don’t like or need to hear it.
I am in a new country now. Yes, it is my choice to be here. It is also my choice to decide how I live my life. As well as my choice to contact those I love, and I do. The only thing that hurts my heart is when I am the one doing most of the contacting. Even when I was having a hard time through the changes in my life that I was going through, I was continuing to contact. No, I wouldn’t go into long detail of my life or tell people (even those I was close to) the things I was going through.
Tis the season to remember the past.
I honestly felt it would be burdening those I love with my problems and my feelings. To me, everyone is going through something. I know that at times it is nice to hear someone else’s problems because it takes you away from your own problems. But, I was afraid I would say something stupid or mean that would get back to the person I was having the problems with. So I stayed silent. Especially to my boys. I have always believed you don’t pull children into your problems because you don’t want to persuade them either way of how to feel about their other parent. And that includes your adult children.
I agree, I didn’t handle things the way I should or could have. I blocked those I love and built up a wall that has been very hard to let back down. But with that I have learned so much about myself and others. Am still learning as a matter of fact. Being thankful for the years with my children as they grew up and the huge part that is being a mother. Having a grateful heart for all the lessons and ups and downs that have made me who I am today.
Tis the season to look to the future.
Looking to the future, I know there are still some hills to climb and walls to tear down, but it will take time. Hopefully we have the time needed to heal and tighten the relationships that were injured or broken, and still have time to be close and share things as we used to.
My plan is simple. To live my life to the fullest, see my family and friends as often as I can, travel and help others as much as I can. If I can in the mean time make people smile and feel better about themselves, all the better!
To look fully to the future we must live in the present. Make the most of each day. Verify the ones you care about know it. And, I want to make a difference to someone or something in the world, even if it is just one person or a small something. I know I am where I am for a reason, I have always believed that.
I love you all and wish you all a very Merry Christmas.
I have decided to write on here like this is my diary. A section of my blog will now be my diary. I will use it so I can share things I am going through daily and to show others that I am a human just like everyone else and have my faults.
Some background
I have been on this blog space for a while. I started it to share things and get my head straight while going through my separation and divorce. During that time I have written a lot, made friends, been through counseling and learned a lot about myself and those around me and in my life.
Things I learned about myself
I learned so many things about myself, how I handle things, what needs to improve and what needs to stop being done. I learned that I am a very sensitive person. Feeling others’ feelings and emotions, as well as taking on those feelings and emotions as mine. Not only that, but that my heart is invested a lot in my relationships. To the point I let things hurt me a lot easier than some would.
Learning about boundaries and how they help in relationships was new. They are also difficult to put into place with those I love after I have never had them. Making myself available at all times for those I love was also a problem. I fed into others that I was always going to answer or be there immediately and do things for them. That had to stop for me to be happy. For I was making others happy without making myself happy. Don’t get me wrong, I love making people happy. I feel it is my calling. But I was doing it without thinking of myself in the long run.
So, now that I am trying to work with these changes for myself and others, it is causing some push back from those I love. I am praying that all will work out for us all in the end and just wish it would be now instead of later. But, we cannot control these things unfortunately.
More things I learned
I also realized that I was handling things all wrong in my marriage, my relationship with my boys and with myself.
My marriage
When you deal with certain things over and over throughout your marriage as well as reacting to them eventually in the wrong way, they add up. Little by little you lose trust and faith. We both changed because of it and I couldn’t live that way anymore.
I now know it was a good move for him and me. He knows why he is the way he is and why he got worse over the years. His knowledge can now help and be a blessing to others. I now know why I reacted to it, how I reacted to it badly, and changed over that time as well. It is not where we planned to be in this time of our lives, but we are where we are.
My boys
During the time of the separation and divorce I did not help my relationship with my boys. The way I dealt with things was to “protect” myself and them by not sharing what I was going through and what I was doing/dealing with. Basically cutting myself off from them. I did this because I was afraid I would say the wrong thing about their father to them (you never want to turn your children against their other parent no matter what you are going through). I also didn’t think they should be pulled into our problems and feel they had to take sides. Yes, I realize this was wrong now. As they say, “Hind sight is 20/20.”
Unfortunately I feel they are still holding this against me as well as upset about my life decision to move to London and marry a man they don’t know and feel has taken their mother away. They have dealt with it negatively, to the point they now don’t communicate with me unless I reach out to them first. I know they want me there close so I can share in their babies growing and in their lives. And that is why I have tried to stay in close contact with FaceTime every couple of weeks and messaging to check on them. Family is important to me and even though I am here away from them and my family, it is so important to stay in touch, show support, and love one another.
My boys are my heart and I really want the communication back and the closeness we used to share back. I just want them to see we can make it work with me here and them there. I am planning on going back to the states in October so I can celebrate the girls’ first birthdays. No, I won’t be able to be there on their birthdays but in the middle so I can celebrate them both. They mean the world to me.
Myself
I was not handling things well during the separation and divorce and knew I needed help, someone to talk to. I finally decided to seek out counseling. Two years after our first separation I finally found someone to get that from. Trying online counseling first did not work for me. I knew I needed someone to meet with face to face. The first counselor just disappeared without a word. The second one was my saving grace. She helped me through so much in understanding myself, things I was going through, how to deal with anxiety/head thoughts/emotions, and how to put things back in place for me to be happy with me. I found out I had gone deep into unhappiness even though it showed differently in how I was around others.
I had lost myself and was finding me again. Yes, I have changed a lot. I am still me, but better. Better in my understanding of myself and others. Better about how I deal with things (yet still learning). Growing and learning more and more every day. To some it may feel like I am not the person they knew before, and that is true. I have changed. Getting to be better than I have been and growing into a person that continues to love as much as she did before, yet even more. I love life and want to enjoy it to the best of my ability. Living life in a negative light is not for me and I plan on making a difference before I die. I want to be a positive light in this world.
So here I am
I now live in London from the state of Georgia. Surrounded by love from my partner, friends, five cats and a dog. I talk to my parents weekly and keep in touch with my sister, as well as my boys and their families.
Now that I have shared a bit of background about myself and where I am, I will continue to share here in my diary. There is a lot more, but these are the basics to bring you up to where I am now. It is more for me, but if someone benefits from my ramblings and sharing, all the better!
