It is the time of year to let those in your life or in your heart know you are thinking of them and want them to know you love them. Just because they know it doesn’t mean they don’t like or need to hear it.
I am in a new country now. Yes, it is my choice to be here. It is also my choice to decide how I live my life. As well as my choice to contact those I love, and I do. The only thing that hurts my heart is when I am the one doing most of the contacting. Even when I was having a hard time through the changes in my life that I was going through, I was continuing to contact. No, I wouldn’t go into long detail of my life or tell people (even those I was close to) the things I was going through.
Tis the season to remember the past.
I honestly felt it would be burdening those I love with my problems and my feelings. To me, everyone is going through something. I know that at times it is nice to hear someone else’s problems because it takes you away from your own problems. But, I was afraid I would say something stupid or mean that would get back to the person I was having the problems with. So I stayed silent. Especially to my boys. I have always believed you don’t pull children into your problems because you don’t want to persuade them either way of how to feel about their other parent. And that includes your adult children.
I agree, I didn’t handle things the way I should or could have. I blocked those I love and built up a wall that has been very hard to let back down. But with that I have learned so much about myself and others. Am still learning as a matter of fact. Being thankful for the years with my children as they grew up and the huge part that is being a mother. Having a grateful heart for all the lessons and ups and downs that have made me who I am today.
Tis the season to look to the future.
Looking to the future, I know there are still some hills to climb and walls to tear down, but it will take time. Hopefully we have the time needed to heal and tighten the relationships that were injured or broken, and still have time to be close and share things as we used to.
My plan is simple. To live my life to the fullest, see my family and friends as often as I can, travel and help others as much as I can. If I can in the mean time make people smile and feel better about themselves, all the better!
To look fully to the future we must live in the present. Make the most of each day. Verify the ones you care about know it. And, I want to make a difference to someone or something in the world, even if it is just one person or a small something. I know I am where I am for a reason, I have always believed that.
I love you all and wish you all a very Merry Christmas.
I have decided to write on here like this is my diary. A section of my blog will now be my diary. I will use it so I can share things I am going through daily and to show others that I am a human just like everyone else and have my faults.
Some background
I have been on this blog space for a while. I started it to share things and get my head straight while going through my separation and divorce. During that time I have written a lot, made friends, been through counseling and learned a lot about myself and those around me and in my life.
Things I learned about myself
I learned so many things about myself, how I handle things, what needs to improve and what needs to stop being done. I learned that I am a very sensitive person. Feeling others’ feelings and emotions, as well as taking on those feelings and emotions as mine. Not only that, but that my heart is invested a lot in my relationships. To the point I let things hurt me a lot easier than some would.
Learning about boundaries and how they help in relationships was new. They are also difficult to put into place with those I love after I have never had them. Making myself available at all times for those I love was also a problem. I fed into others that I was always going to answer or be there immediately and do things for them. That had to stop for me to be happy. For I was making others happy without making myself happy. Don’t get me wrong, I love making people happy. I feel it is my calling. But I was doing it without thinking of myself in the long run.
So, now that I am trying to work with these changes for myself and others, it is causing some push back from those I love. I am praying that all will work out for us all in the end and just wish it would be now instead of later. But, we cannot control these things unfortunately.
More things I learned
I also realized that I was handling things all wrong in my marriage, my relationship with my boys and with myself.
My marriage
When you deal with certain things over and over throughout your marriage as well as reacting to them eventually in the wrong way, they add up. Little by little you lose trust and faith. We both changed because of it and I couldn’t live that way anymore.
I now know it was a good move for him and me. He knows why he is the way he is and why he got worse over the years. His knowledge can now help and be a blessing to others. I now know why I reacted to it, how I reacted to it badly, and changed over that time as well. It is not where we planned to be in this time of our lives, but we are where we are.
My boys
During the time of the separation and divorce I did not help my relationship with my boys. The way I dealt with things was to “protect” myself and them by not sharing what I was going through and what I was doing/dealing with. Basically cutting myself off from them. I did this because I was afraid I would say the wrong thing about their father to them (you never want to turn your children against their other parent no matter what you are going through). I also didn’t think they should be pulled into our problems and feel they had to take sides. Yes, I realize this was wrong now. As they say, “Hind sight is 20/20.”
Unfortunately I feel they are still holding this against me as well as upset about my life decision to move to London and marry a man they don’t know and feel has taken their mother away. They have dealt with it negatively, to the point they now don’t communicate with me unless I reach out to them first. I know they want me there close so I can share in their babies growing and in their lives. And that is why I have tried to stay in close contact with FaceTime every couple of weeks and messaging to check on them. Family is important to me and even though I am here away from them and my family, it is so important to stay in touch, show support, and love one another.
My boys are my heart and I really want the communication back and the closeness we used to share back. I just want them to see we can make it work with me here and them there. I am planning on going back to the states in October so I can celebrate the girls’ first birthdays. No, I won’t be able to be there on their birthdays but in the middle so I can celebrate them both. They mean the world to me.
Myself
I was not handling things well during the separation and divorce and knew I needed help, someone to talk to. I finally decided to seek out counseling. Two years after our first separation I finally found someone to get that from. Trying online counseling first did not work for me. I knew I needed someone to meet with face to face. The first counselor just disappeared without a word. The second one was my saving grace. She helped me through so much in understanding myself, things I was going through, how to deal with anxiety/head thoughts/emotions, and how to put things back in place for me to be happy with me. I found out I had gone deep into unhappiness even though it showed differently in how I was around others.
I had lost myself and was finding me again. Yes, I have changed a lot. I am still me, but better. Better in my understanding of myself and others. Better about how I deal with things (yet still learning). Growing and learning more and more every day. To some it may feel like I am not the person they knew before, and that is true. I have changed. Getting to be better than I have been and growing into a person that continues to love as much as she did before, yet even more. I love life and want to enjoy it to the best of my ability. Living life in a negative light is not for me and I plan on making a difference before I die. I want to be a positive light in this world.
So here I am
I now live in London from the state of Georgia. Surrounded by love from my partner, friends, five cats and a dog. I talk to my parents weekly and keep in touch with my sister, as well as my boys and their families.
Now that I have shared a bit of background about myself and where I am, I will continue to share here in my diary. There is a lot more, but these are the basics to bring you up to where I am now. It is more for me, but if someone benefits from my ramblings and sharing, all the better!
