August 2023 - Wondering Belle

When things are bothering me, the best way for me to deal is to write about it. I chose this life I live and I love where I am. The only regret I have is the distance I am from my family. I can’t just call and know I will be able to talk to my boys. They are busy with their own lives and families. I can’t just drive for a few hours to see my boys and their families, my parents, nor my sister. At times I feel cut off from the ones I love.

Also, when I start overthinking things, which I have a tendency to do (especially when I have no response when texting/messaging), I think I have done something to upset them or they just don’t care. That is me and I know it. It still doesn’t help my brain with that fact. My love is so strong for those I love I let it overwhelm me at times. So much that it hurts. I feel so weird with this fact, but it is who I am.

I have felt recently that I need something substantial to focus my time and effort into. I am not working and don’t need to do so at this time. However, I feel like I am not doing my part in our relationship when I don’t do anything to add to it work wise. I have always worked since I was fifteen years old. I have always earned my way in life and it just doesn’t feel right to me at this time to not be doing so.

I will be honest, I feel I get on these emotional rollercoasters when things happen with my family that I can’t be a part of, even though it was my choice to not be there so I can go for something else for them. I have to be the adult about things and it makes me feel weak and disliked for it. This is my flaw and my problem, and I don’t like the way it makes me feel. I also feel alone in this feeling. These feelings are the bad ones: I’m not good enough, I could do better, I don’t love enough, I’m a bad mom/daughter/sister/partner, etc….

As you can tell, this is really getting to me when it is enough to write about it.

I feel I need to accomplish something. To make a mark in this world. (I know I’m not the only one) But how? I’m good with singing. I’m pretty good with writing. I love animals. I love people. I am pretty good with art and being creative. I just don’t know how to use these things to make a difference somehow.

So, that is my sharing for now. I hope you have a great day, dear reader, and know if you are feeling the same, you see you are not alone.

Belle xoxo

close up photo of hello sunshine book — Photo by Jessica Lewis Creative on Pexels.com

Having Covid for the first known time, I am so ready for it to be gone. I know it is not as bad as some have dealt with. By no means even close. It is all sinus yuck and continues to hang on. It has been nine days and the test still shows positive. Some would say that is normal, but I am not a patient person when I am sick, and like to get out there with people. Not a lot of people, definitely not a crowd, but my people. The community that is now mine. The friends and acquaintances that have made me feel a part of this place I now find myself in. But for now, I have to use a mask to protect them from the sickness that is staying in me and my partner. It makes me feel like I need to stay away and protect them from what I have and I don’t like feeling that way. I did that five, no six, years ago for a different reason and I don’t like myself for it. So feeling the same, it makes me dislike it even more.

But, here we (me and my partner) are with this dang Covid mess and trying to get better daily so that we can get back out there without feeling this way.

So, as we work to get better, we do what we can with our social media, podcasts, responding to emails, etc… Unfortunately, my creative studio is put on hold as well. The HVAC guys were supposed to come today to start with the installation of my unit and then tomorrow the electrician. So, until we show a negative test we will need to put off the guys coming in for a few days.

In the mean time I have been taking the time to read, along with other things needing to be done. I think I have read more this year already than I have in a very long time. 🙂 And this I do not mind at all!

I have read three books by Emmy R Bennett: Eye of the Raven, Eyes of Wynter and Different Shade of Wynter; Fair and Fury: The Fate King’s Mortal, Book 1 by Devon Atwood; Wonder Drug by Jennifer Vanderbes; Carolina Moon by Nora Roberts; and right now Playing To Lose by Ariel Anderssen. All great books! Not to mention the books we are reading together when we are in the car or traveling.

We continue to keep ourselves busy and occupied while getting through the Covid. I hope you all are staying well and healthy. And remember:

You are always loved, needed, wanted and you make a difference in people’s lives.

Belle xoxo