sharing Archives - Wondering Belle

Do You Do This?

27 January 202527 January 2025 wbelle

(A young woman takes a break to do something analog like writing in her journal and drinking tea. This is a healthy practice for those who experience anxiety.)

Is It Just Me?

Have you ever felt like you overthink everything, or at least almost everything? Do you get emotional wanting to talk to loved ones but can’t because their lives are so busy they don’t have time? Are you a grandparent that lives far away from your grandbabies and just want to see them and give them a big hug? These are some of the things I was feeling today. I try so hard not to do this to myself, but sometimes I just can’t help it. My mind goes to this place and makes it hard not to think this way. Especially when I love my family so much!

It never fails. I get anxious and stressed knowing how I want so much for my boys to accept my new life, my new partner and that we all are living our best life right now. I know I have made mistakes and not handled things well. There are many things I am not proud of. I left and came to London, UK. I didn’t do it to get away from them and all my family and friends. I did it because it was the best for me and my partner medical wise.

Going through menopause and pretty much convinced I have ADHD to boot is not easy. I am going through emotions, pain, negative thoughts, weight gain, feeling of unworthiness, etc… Mentally not good because of all this and trying to work through it all. I have requested testing for ADHD so I can verify what I am pretty sure I have and learn ways to work with and through it. My youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was seven or eight. I didn’t realize it was a genetic thing, even though I was pretty sure his dad has it. I didn’t realize for women it is more internal than external symptoms. Once I started looking into it and seeing mine, is when I decided I needed to know for certain. So now I wait.

So, while I wait, I take an antidepressant to help with mood, anxiety and sleep. Vitamins and supplements to help with what is missing for my body as well as HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). These things are helping but not completely.

In the meantime, I stay busy by doing creative things. I do paintings, puzzles, writing, learning to play the flute again, singing with a choir, making candles, taking pictures and videos, trying to decide how to make a little money (I know I don’t need to but like to make sure I still can) and keeping up with friends and family. Add in a little traveling here and there and I am definitely not bored.

Unfortunately, I always swing back to my thoughts I deal with, missing family and friends, and wanting to know what to do to make myself feel normal again. If you feel this way as well, just know you are not alone and as soon as I know something more I will share it here.

Have a blessed week and enjoy the rest of January!

Belle xoxo

Mental Health, writing

Learning More Every Day

23 August 202423 August 2024 wbelle

Sitting outside in our back garden and enjoying the peace, I decided to do a video and share it on TikTok. It was so peaceful and relaxing I just had to share. Once I was done I watched it and did another video about my thoughts. When looking at the first video I just saw how I am getting old, or aging gracefully, as some will put it. As I said in the second video, you see all the changes you’re going through. And thinking about everything I am learning about myself, it’s amazing how you never stop learning. It doesn’t matter your age and what you are going through or have been through.

I wish I had known more before now of the things I know, but I know it now and can work with it. I am learning why I do the things I do and how to work with these particular things and the knowledge I now have. I have put in a request for testing but I am on a waiting list. The thing about realizing you are “different” is learning how to work with it and use it to the best of your abilities. Don’t let it be a negative, make it a positive in your life. Help yourself and others, if at all possible.

I have self-diagnosed myself as a neurodivergent, with ADHD and dyslexia tendencies. But to verify this self-diagnoses I need to have testing done and to learn how to use and work with it to make my life better. I believe the symptoms have always been a part of me and are now magnified somewhat because of my menopause (or maybe even added to).

None the less, I realize why I was the way I was: growing up, in school, with friends (or not with friends), with my ex and with other relationships with family (including my boys), in work, it is actually baffling and like a light bulb has been switched on. I apologize to anyone that misunderstood me or that I hurt because of not knowing myself. (I know it isn’t my fault not knowing or understanding, but I still feel bad about it.) It is actually no one’s fault, it is just what and how it is.

And yes, I know it is as if everyone has come out with these “problems.” The thing is there is so much more information on ADHD, Neurodivergence, Dyslexia, etc… Knowing helps us to understand and work with these things. Just like everything, it will mesh back into everyday life findings and we will continue to function better because of the knowledge we learn from it.

Enjoy in the learning and understanding of things and people around you and have an amazing day and weekend!

xoxo

Blog, me, sharing

I Apologize

17 August 20246 September 2024 wbelle

Getting to an understanding of myself and what I do
I see I have not been honest in the way I am
Freezing up and shutting down, putting up a wall too
Its unhelpful that way I chose to deal and 

I apologize for the way I handled things 
I always thought I was good at communicating 
Until I wasn’t with the ones I love  
and that mean the most to me in this world

It’s important to get this right and say it the best way I can
I am who I am and I love who I love
If I loved you at any point in my life, I still do
I do not hold grudges and I don’t just stop caring

I am a simple yet complicated person
I may hold things back but will tell you how I feel when asked
It may not be what you want or your version
It is just my perspective in one blast

Knowing what I know now explains so much 
Not only how I was then but how I handled things 
And how I saw things in my head and surroundings
My overactive and overthinking brain as it was, is and will be

I have always wanted to fit in, to make others happy and feel that they are worth so much
My love is so strong and over the top at times that I may overwhelm others
But it is me and how I am, to the point I overwhelm myself at times
Then at other times I hold back, not sure it, or I, will be accepted

I hold things in and stay away when I don’t want to hurt others or share my problems
In my mind I am saving others from problems they don’t want nor need 
Not realizing by staying away it doesn’t help either
So I end up causing problems anyway

So I apologize to those I love and to myself for not understanding until recently
To understand myself helps me understand my past and to understand others around me
It also helps for my now and future understandings
Do you understand what I am saying?

The point is, as I have always believed, we are always learning, teaching and understanding
This includes ourselves, others, and life in general
We have to live life to the fullest and do all we can to be in the now
For ourselves, others and just life

So, to myself and all reading this, know you are loved, are enough, are in this life to live it to the fullest and do your part to make an impact, if only a small one
It doesn’t have to be big, but you ARE making a difference by just being here in this world we live in

All my love 
xoxo

writing

Ponderings

30 January 202430 January 2024 wbelle

Today is the thirtieth of January, 2024. This month has flown by as the years seem to be doing. My grand babies are three (grand daughters) and three months (grand son). I sit here on our couch in the living room looking out the window with our dog laying in front of me and one of our cats vying for my attention. It is a cloudy day with the sun trying to pop out from behind the clouds. Each day we plan things and only get to maybe half of what was planned, but at least we get that much done.

I am getting over a nasty cold I have had for the last five days and finally feeling toward the end of it. I have tried out Tai Chi and Zumba these last two days because the pilates classes I go to are full due to the first part of the year new year resolutions of those going back to the gym for the first month. Loved the Tai Chi and already have scheduled another class for next week. The Zumba was fun and I might try a different instructor just to get a feel for the different instructing, even though I really enjoyed the instructor today.

I have done a lot of writing, reading and playing games recently. It keeps me busy until I can get a chair in my studio and a stool to work on at the table. I have also started making candles which I am loving. I am still doing videos for social media but not as much. We have a lot of goals this year so are making lists to keep up with them.

Among all of this, I am just enjoying being alive. I am loving the people around me, and of course my family and friends that are far away from me. I try my best to stay in touch with everyone regularly, but it is really hard at times. All the same, I am hoping they do know how much I love them.

We won’t be as busy tomorrow so I hope to get a lot more done. We will be steadily busy but able to fit things in for the rest of the week. Then we have a friend coming to stay for the weekend so that will be fun!

Have a great rest of your week and I will try to update as often as I can.

Belle xo

me, Mental Health, writing

This Is Me

12 October 202312 October 2023 wbelle

I feel in limbo for some reason at the moment. I need a purpose to focus on. I feel I am missing my boys so much I am overthinking things again and misreading signs. I haven’t been able to go back to the states as I usually do (three to four times a year) due to prices going up and our doing the studio redo this year. I can’t contact my youngest son through message nor calls because of his phone for some reason, and my contact with my oldest son is usually short. So, I can’t help myself from feeling they are cutting me off more for some reason. I know this is not true, but that is my thought process when in the negative mode and self loathing. Not good, but at least I know when I am there and need to work through it.

I have talked to my youngest through Instagram now and know his new phone is not accepting messages, he is hopefully going this week to get it fixed. I also talked to my oldest and he told me to stop being so negative. Haha! He knows. So all okay. *shrug* Like I say, the communication is so important for me. Especially after I was so bad for a few years about communicating with my loved ones to block myself and them from hurt as I was going through my separation and divorce. That was wrong and I know it and am trying to make sure I don’t do it again.

Yesterday was Mental Health Day and I didn’t even realize it. It is so important to know yourself and what you need to work on with your mental health. Get the help you need. Whether it be counseling, medicines or just learning ways to help you cope. For me, counseling was so helpful in the beginning. She helped me work through things, understand myself so much better and gave me coping skills I would never have had if it weren’t for her. Once I moved away, I carried that with me, along with meds that have leveled most of my anxiety and emotions from getting out of control. I am on a lower dose so know this is also a reason my emotions are at a higher level at the moment.

I don’t know about you, but change of season also has a bearing on my mood. When it starts to get darker sooner and the days get shorter it takes a bit to get through that until the wonderful holiday season to lift the spirits. Celebrating Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year are usually times for great celebrations and uplifting of spirits that make you happy, smiling and sharing the joy with others. The decorations, lights and uplifted moods of others help so much. At least they help me. I know for others it is not a good time of year for them. This is hard and I recommend trying to find the best coping skills available if at all possible.

If you can, surround yourself with positive people and ones that love and support you. I have some amazing friends and family that support me and love me no matter what I am going through (even when I don’t think I deserve it or think I’m alone when I am not). Also, realize one of the best things you can do is to learn to love yourself and be comfortable with who you are enough to be happy to be alone with yourself.

These are things that have helped me through some hard times :

A journal
Starting a blog
Music
Drawing, coloring or some other form of art
Reading
Social Media (this one is a positive outlet until it isn’t anymore. Once it isn’t, let it go)
Games & puzzles
Learn something new, like recipes or a language

These have helped me a lot and I still use most of them when I need to. I hope they can help you or anyone you know that might need these suggestions.

With that, I say have a great day, make great choices, love yourself and those around you. Live life to the fullest and don’t take one moment for granted.

Until next time, love to all!

Belle xoxo

sharing

Share Time

28 August 202328 August 2023 wbelle

When things are bothering me, the best way for me to deal is to write about it. I chose this life I live and I love where I am. The only regret I have is the distance I am from my family. I can’t just call and know I will be able to talk to my boys. They are busy with their own lives and families. I can’t just drive for a few hours to see my boys and their families, my parents, nor my sister. At times I feel cut off from the ones I love.

Also, when I start overthinking things, which I have a tendency to do (especially when I have no response when texting/messaging), I think I have done something to upset them or they just don’t care. That is me and I know it. It still doesn’t help my brain with that fact. My love is so strong for those I love I let it overwhelm me at times. So much that it hurts. I feel so weird with this fact, but it is who I am.

I have felt recently that I need something substantial to focus my time and effort into. I am not working and don’t need to do so at this time. However, I feel like I am not doing my part in our relationship when I don’t do anything to add to it work wise. I have always worked since I was fifteen years old. I have always earned my way in life and it just doesn’t feel right to me at this time to not be doing so.

I will be honest, I feel I get on these emotional rollercoasters when things happen with my family that I can’t be a part of, even though it was my choice to not be there so I can go for something else for them. I have to be the adult about things and it makes me feel weak and disliked for it. This is my flaw and my problem, and I don’t like the way it makes me feel. I also feel alone in this feeling. These feelings are the bad ones: I’m not good enough, I could do better, I don’t love enough, I’m a bad mom/daughter/sister/partner, etc….

As you can tell, this is really getting to me when it is enough to write about it.

I feel I need to accomplish something. To make a mark in this world. (I know I’m not the only one) But how? I’m good with singing. I’m pretty good with writing. I love animals. I love people. I am pretty good with art and being creative. I just don’t know how to use these things to make a difference somehow.

So, that is my sharing for now. I hope you have a great day, dear reader, and know if you are feeling the same, you see you are not alone.

Belle xoxo

Me, writing, topics, sharing

Hello Again!

25 August 202325 August 2023 wbelle

close up photo of hello sunshine book — Photo by Jessica Lewis Creative on Pexels.com

Having Covid for the first known time, I am so ready for it to be gone. I know it is not as bad as some have dealt with. By no means even close. It is all sinus yuck and continues to hang on. It has been nine days and the test still shows positive. Some would say that is normal, but I am not a patient person when I am sick, and like to get out there with people. Not a lot of people, definitely not a crowd, but my people. The community that is now mine. The friends and acquaintances that have made me feel a part of this place I now find myself in. But for now, I have to use a mask to protect them from the sickness that is staying in me and my partner. It makes me feel like I need to stay away and protect them from what I have and I don’t like feeling that way. I did that five, no six, years ago for a different reason and I don’t like myself for it. So feeling the same, it makes me dislike it even more.

But, here we (me and my partner) are with this dang Covid mess and trying to get better daily so that we can get back out there without feeling this way.

So, as we work to get better, we do what we can with our social media, podcasts, responding to emails, etc… Unfortunately, my creative studio is put on hold as well. The HVAC guys were supposed to come today to start with the installation of my unit and then tomorrow the electrician. So, until we show a negative test we will need to put off the guys coming in for a few days.

In the mean time I have been taking the time to read, along with other things needing to be done. I think I have read more this year already than I have in a very long time. 🙂 And this I do not mind at all!

I have read three books by Emmy R Bennett: Eye of the Raven, Eyes of Wynter and Different Shade of Wynter; Fair and Fury: The Fate King’s Mortal, Book 1 by Devon Atwood; Wonder Drug by Jennifer Vanderbes; Carolina Moon by Nora Roberts; and right now Playing To Lose by Ariel Anderssen. All great books! Not to mention the books we are reading together when we are in the car or traveling.

We continue to keep ourselves busy and occupied while getting through the Covid. I hope you all are staying well and healthy. And remember:

You are always loved, needed, wanted and you make a difference in people’s lives.

Belle xoxo

sharing, writing

Thoughts for the Day

28 July 202328 July 2023 wbelle

As I am preparing to record my next podcast I started thinking about life and all I have done in this year so far. More than half has gone and it is August in just a few days. The last podcast I did was in March, that’s how busy we have been. My partner and I always stay busy. If we aren’t traveling, we are doing things around here because there is so much to see and do. Things I have never seen nor done and some that even he has not done, so it benefits us both.

I miss my family since they are all in the United States and I am here in the UK, therefore I try to go three to four times a year to see them and spend time with them. Especially since I have two grand daughters and soon to have a grand son! I usually stay with my parents, which is very special to me. I know how important it is to be close to my parents and make memories with them. The same in seeing my boys and their families. Memories and time with them is so important and precious to me. Much more important than I ever realized. So much I took for granted before.

Also, I realize there are things I still need to learn to do, even at my age of 50+. If I ever am on my own again, I will need to take care of things I have trusted others to do, or did not realize at all were needing to be done. There are also things I used to put off for one reason or another and now that I am understanding why, I just need to learn how to deal with this quirk I have and work with it. It is who I am and the more I can learn to work with it the better off I am in myself.

*Do you have any quirky things you have learned about yourself recently? What are these things? It’s good to know others are in the same area and not alone.*

These are just a few things I just wanted to jot down and get out of my head. The constant swimming around in your head and not letting them out just causes you to overthink and be anxious. I know I am not alone in this so thought I would share.

Have a great day/week/weekend!

Belle xoxo

Blog, writing

The Holiday Treat

28 December 202228 December 2022 wbelle

family get together during christmas — Photo by Nicole Michalou on Pexels.com

While in the States

I flew to the states to see my family and friends before Christmas. I would be there for two weeks (13 days). Planned on seeing my sons and their girls the Sunday of the full weekend I would be there, to celebrate Christmas with them. Unfortunately I received a call from my oldest to tell me he had Covid so would need to reschedule our get together. So we decided I would get with my youngest son and his girls and then later in the week hopefully see my oldest and his girls.

So during my first week I saw many friends and on Saturday my parents and I met my sister and brother in law for dinner. Then we drove together to see Christmas lights called Lights of Hope. We had a good time together and it was so great seeing them.

Sunday I drove a little over two hours to see my youngest, my daughter in law and my grand daughter. We had such a great time together. He cooked pancakes for brunch, they opened gifts, we went shopping at a market in town, and then we had chicken Alfredo which my son cooked as well. A wonderful time spent together, but of course too quick and too short.

Saw more friends during the week and then my parents and I went to the botanical gardens in Athens where right at the end when we were in the shops before leaving, we came across the best surprise of all. My wonderful friend from high school and her husband (also a friend from school) and their grand daughter. I was so happy to see them, especially her, when I am guessing it has been about twenty eight years since we have seen each other. 🙂 That was such an unexpected treat!

Then after talking to my oldest son, we decided to be smart and responsible and not meet up since he was just getting over Covid, my daughter in law now had it and the little one might possibly have it. (Received a text this morning that she is positive) So, he called by FaceTime and we talked, I got to see my grand daughter, he took me on a tour of the new house and I saw my daughter in law. I then sent their presents the next morning to make sure they got them before Christmas. I was told they would be there the next day! Amazing!

Today, my last full day here in the states, I will be spending with my parents. We are going to see my cousins and Aunt and Uncle for a late lunch. It is a little over two hours one way so not too bad but will take up the rest of the afternoon. Can’t wait to see everyone.

Then I get a flight out tomorrow evening back to London and will arrive Sunday morning.

Now back in London

My flight back was good and uneventful, thank goodness. I was even able to get a few hours sleep, which I normally don’t do on flights. Jetlag was not bad this time, thank goodness. Being the week before Christmas, we had a lot to do. Our physiotherapist ended up with the flu, our girl that does our hair had an accident which totaled her car, so that wasn’t good news. However, it did free us up to do other things that needed doing. We met with friends on Friday before Christmas for a few hours, went to Winter Wonderland in London on Christmas Eve, which both were a lot of fun! So, all in all it was a good week leading up to Christmas Day.

On Christmas Day my step daughter came and spent the afternoon with us as well as our neighbor across the street, we had dinner and exchanged gifts and just enjoyed each other’s company. I also had FaceTime calls from my boys and my parents/sister.

On Boxing Day, we were not able to spend the day with my other step daughter and her family because they were dealing with the flu. So, we decided to go to downtown London and enjoy the lights. The lights in London are always so beautiful and magical. Even with all the craziness of loads of people being there, we really had a good time and took lots of pictures. 🙂

We are now looking forward to Wednesday night at Southbank Centre to see Dolly Parton Christmas Carol, New Year’s Eve with my step daughter and her family to see the lights and then on my husband’s birthday we are going to see ABBA! We are really enjoying this time of the year, even though at times one of us, if not both, have been a bit anxious for one reason or another.

Happy Holidays

With all this said, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas holiday with lots of treats as well. I wish you all a very happy holiday and a brilliant new year!!

Belle xoxo

Is It Just Me?

While in the States

Now back in London

Happy Holidays

Here I sit in my thoughts