I have worked so hard on myself for the past few years. Correcting all the bad habits and “survival habits” I had developed. That is, I have been unlearning bad habits I have learned over the years to make myself a better person for me and others.
When a habit that someone else did that I used to get upset about is pointed out to me by someone I care about that I am doing, I get very upset at myself. I was told I am deflecting the responsibility off of myself to someone and/or something else. Yet I was seeing it as talking out loud to work through what I had done to come to the conclusion that I was completely at fault. Unfortunately, by me doing this the person in question seeing and hearing this, felt slighted (which I would have too) because I reacted to him negatively while trying to work through it myself.
You see, to me I have had to work through things by myself for so many years that I have a system down that my mind processes things (normally out loud being by myself most of the time) to the conclusion. Not always the correct conclusion, but nine times out of ten it is the correct conclusion. It is just my way. The introvert in me is this way. And the sensitive person that I am takes things very personal very easily, as I always have. Which is very frustrating for me and I know has to be for anyone around me.
Thing is when you have someone else in your life or live with someone else, you have to coexist with that someone that has flaws just like you. And you either work with them and know what is there so you can live with them, or you move on from them because you can’t.
We discussed it, I know what I did and we are working together to handle the situation I messed up. I am also working on paying attention on how I handle these type situations in the future and why I react the way I do. It is a learning situation. There are always new reasons to learn and change. I totally believe this and live by it.
I have made a few mistakes in my life. We all do. Do you feel me in this? But if we don’t make mistakes we don’t learn, right? I can definitely say I have learned a lot in my fifty-three years of life so far. Mainly by experience, but a lot by observing, asking questions, and listening as well. I love to learn. We learn every day. We learn from each other, from our children, from nature, from our parents and grandparents, from strangers and everything around us. Even from ourselves. I think I have learned more from myself in the last few years than I ever thought possible. I mean, what in the world are you going to learn from yourself, right? A LOT!
Just A Few Lessons Learned
I have learned that I did not love myself. I learned that I had to let go of someone I loved dearly to be able to move on. I learned that things are not always as bad as they seem. I learned that our minds are not good to get lost in. I learned that even though you love others, their love for you can be changed by others, so you have to let them learn the truth on their own (yes, this one kills me). I have learned that what one person believes in you, even though it is not the truth, you cannot change that belief until they are willing to see the truth and admit it. I have learned that no matter what you do for some to help until they are ready, they will not help themselves. I have learned that you shouldn’t beat yourself up over things. I have learned that others are very judgmental, even those I love, and that hurts a lot, but I cannot control how they feel and I cannot put that on myself. And there is so much more, but I will stop there.
So, You See…
I have grown a lot in myself and it’s a shame it took until now, but I was always a “late bloomer”! Ha! Oh well. The thing is, I hope for my sons’ sake that they do not wait so long to be aware of all these things. I hope they learn from my mistakes and their father’s mistakes and their own mistakes combined to be set way ahead of where we are at our age! That would be great! They will be very wise if so 😉
Hopefully, they will not be stuck in their ways and/or judgmental that they are not open to seeing others and the good that is there that they can learn from or that they themselves can help or teach. They are both good men and I know it is there in them! I am so very proud of them every day and love them so very much. I don’t think they realize how much. And they have lovely wives that are beautiful intelligent women and are and going to be, the best moms to their children too. I look forward to seeing what the years to come bring to them!
And Now You Know
Anyway, I was in my feels this afternoon and wanted to jot it down and get it all out of my head. You know how that goes. I have felt a lot of anxiety during these months of the Covid-19 strife. Do you feel me in this too? Yes, I have talked to family and friends. I have even seen them. But it’s not the same. You are constantly cautious, wearing masks everywhere you go. Washing your hands or using the anti-bacterial liquid wherever you go (and if you don’t, feeling like you must). And when living alone it seems a bit more cut off from things. Thank goodness for my kitty being here. She keeps me laughing with her antics all the time.
I will be happy to finally be over all of this and move on, that is for sure!
Have a happy wonderful day my friends! I know I will 🙂
Being so focused on my podcast and content for it, I have been very slack in my content here. I have a hard time seeing how people do all the things and don’t burn out!! Seeing folks that do writing, podcasting, YouTube, all media, etc., I don’t get it. I mean, ALL THE THINGS, along with family and sometimes even a full-time job! How the heck do they do it????
And here is little ole me, with my ADD self trying my hardest just to focus on getting my content done for my podcast and not get lost in the social media as I try to put the content on that social media for my podcast! Haha!
But Why Go From Blog To Podcast?
Maybe it would help if I explained a little bit better about how and why I decided to start doing a podcast.
As all of my reader friends pretty much know, I started writing my blog to get me through some rough times. A lot of us start blogs for this reason. Some for other reasons, like a live journal, or a calendar to keep tabs on ourselves, etc. Mine was to share things I was going through, get them out of my head, and maybe have others going through the same thing join me in understanding. Not to bash anyone or to get revenge. It was for my own peace of mind and relief from thoughts. And wow did it help! And the people and friends I have met have been wonderful!
So, in the last six months, since I arrived home a few days early from my trip to London because of the emergency of COVID-19, I have gone through many ups and downs, in not only emotions but happenings, thoughts, decisions, and experiences.
Emotions, Happenings & Thoughts
Like so many, I have gone through a multitude of emotions because of Covid-19. It started with the anxiety of having to decide to come home a few days early from my trip and be self-quarantined for fourteen days by myself. My parents graciously got me the things I would need initially and left them in the house so that once I was home that evening I would have them immediately. Then, over the next two weeks I had two close friends and my parents (again, bless them) check on me and bring me things voluntarily and when needed. I continued on past those fourteen days being uneasy and not knowing what to expect with this virus pandemic.
Believing I would be okay but worried about others I love, I was getting restless and falling into the negative thoughts. Not working, so I was trying to determine what to do to keep myself busy, continued to attend my counseling online, and do regular exercise so that I would not become lazy and depressed. Feeling and seeing all the hate and anger stemming from the social distancing and the worry people were going through, along with media hyping up certain things to raise anxiety, I was determined to find something I could do to help bring some positivity and light into the world if just a little bit.
My decision to lend my voice into the positivity mode
Once I realized I couldn’t do the singing that I love on a regular basis during this virus social distancing and quarantine time, I had to figure out some way to use this voice of mine. I was given this gift for a reason. So, after thinking long and hard about it, I decided to start a podcast. Why not, I thought! If it doesn’t work out I haven’t lost out on anything. But if I don’t try, I definitely might lose out on reaching someone or changing someone’s life in some way. Even my own. So, I started my journey with my podcast Coffee, Wine, & Chocolate. It released on August 17th with the trailer and then August 24th was the first full episode. Starting off slow and steady with short episodes, and I will eventually have a little longer ones with interviews but hopefully not much longer. It seems people like the short and sweet ones! Ha!
I have gotten some really good feed back so far. I have received two reviews and a few ratings. So, if you have listened to my podcast, if you would please take a few minutes to write a quick review, it would be much appreciated and helps others find me! 🙂
And if you haven’t had a chance to listen yet, please check it out. It is Coffee, Wine, & Chocolate. Found on every podcast player you prefer. The apple player link is in the title above. If you look it up in Google it is in Google podcasts, listen notes, buzzsprout, podchaser, and so many more!
Thank you my dear friends, readers and listeners! Have a blessed, happy positive day! And if it’s been a hard one today, think of one positive thing that has made you smile today or that you are thankful for today. And know there is at least one. For every negative there is always a positive.
This past Tuesday, June 16, was my birthday. I used to make a big deal about birthdays and made sure my boys had a cake, gifts and we celebrated in style with a great dinner too. But as they got older, and I was not celebrated as much as I celebrated others, I started thinking it wasn’t a big deal and so made less and less of a celebration of other’s birthdays. I didn’t stop, I just didn’t make it as big a deal. I still made sure they had a cake, gift, etc., but I just didn’t go all out as I did before, especially as the boys got older, did things with their friends, and then went on to college.
I still never forget a birthday of my friends and/or family and always make sure I tell them happy birthday. I make sure my boys get birthday cards with at least a gift card or money so they can get what they want or have a dinner on me, and I try to call to talk to them on their special day. Unfortunately, even then I sometimes don’t get to talk to them nor get a callback. But, now that they are married and busy, I kind of understand. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I like it, but I do understand now that they have jobs, and a life separate from mine, their mom is no longer number one anymore. Sad, but true. That is how it should be though. As long as they don’t forget about me. 😉
To top things off, with the dreaded COVID-19 putting stress on the world, having to be in quarantine, and being worried about things opening up and how to deal with the changes, well, that just added to it. Granted, I did get lots of messages from friends and family telling me happy birthday, I was able to have lunch with my parents and had dinner with my friends across the street from me, but it just did not feel the same as it has been before. I wasn’t at the store I manage for my parents, so no talking to people. I didn’t have the one I love beside me to enjoy time with. I was on my own for most of the day and evening. I felt off the whole day and then had an emotionally charged day the next day. Hate those days!!
I also had to remind myself that others are going through things right now too and may not be dealing well with all the changes. They also may feel so cut off from others, they do not think of those special events or things that they normally remember because they are affected by other things happening, or not happening, in their lives.
My point is, I had a lot of thoughts and feelings in the last two days, and I want you all to know something. I want each of you reading this to know, you do matter! Make sure that you are celebrated and have a great day on YOUR special day. Even if it is you that celebrates you on your own. Make sure you take care of you and have fun! Yes, you want to make sure others know they are special and you remember them, but also make sure you are remembered too. You were put on this earth for a reason. We all were. You are worth the time and effort to be celebrated! Just know this and don’t ever think otherwise!
These are weird times we are in right now. This too will be behind us soon and there will be better days to come. Find something to enjoy. Something that makes you smile. Be silly, dance like no one is watching, laugh out loud as much as you can, love those around you, and make sure the ones you love know it. (You really can never say it too much!)
If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to say Hi, please don’t hesitate to leave me a message. I will respond.
I love you all!
(*These are thoughts and things I deal with. Your situation and life, of course, is different, as we all are. Doesn’t make a difference if worse or better, we all matter.*)