Tag: me

sharing, thoughts, writing

Do You Do This?

wbelle
(A young woman takes a break to do something analog like writing in her journal and drinking tea. This is a healthy practice for those who experience anxiety.)

Is It Just Me?

Have you ever felt like you overthink everything, or at least almost everything? Do you get emotional wanting to talk to loved ones but can’t because their lives are so busy they don’t have time? Are you a grandparent that lives far away from your grandbabies and just want to see them and give them a big hug? These are some of the things I was feeling today. I try so hard not to do this to myself, but sometimes I just can’t help it. My mind goes to this place and makes it hard not to think this way. Especially when I love my family so much!

It never fails. I get anxious and stressed knowing how I want so much for my boys to accept my new life, my new partner and that we all are living our best life right now. I know I have made mistakes and not handled things well. There are many things I am not proud of. I left and came to London, UK. I didn’t do it to get away from them and all my family and friends. I did it because it was the best for me and my partner medical wise.

Going through menopause and pretty much convinced I have ADHD to boot is not easy. I am going through emotions, pain, negative thoughts, weight gain, feeling of unworthiness, etc… Mentally not good because of all this and trying to work through it all. I have requested testing for ADHD so I can verify what I am pretty sure I have and learn ways to work with and through it. My youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was seven or eight. I didn’t realize it was a genetic thing, even though I was pretty sure his dad has it. I didn’t realize for women it is more internal than external symptoms. Once I started looking into it and seeing mine, is when I decided I needed to know for certain. So now I wait.

So, while I wait, I take an antidepressant to help with mood, anxiety and sleep. Vitamins and supplements to help with what is missing for my body as well as HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). These things are helping but not completely.

In the meantime, I stay busy by doing creative things. I do paintings, puzzles, writing, learning to play the flute again, singing with a choir, making candles, taking pictures and videos, trying to decide how to make a little money (I know I don’t need to but like to make sure I still can) and keeping up with friends and family. Add in a little traveling here and there and I am definitely not bored.

Unfortunately, I always swing back to my thoughts I deal with, missing family and friends, and wanting to know what to do to make myself feel normal again. If you feel this way as well, just know you are not alone and as soon as I know something more I will share it here.

Have a blessed week and enjoy the rest of January!

Belle xoxo

Mental Health, writing

Learning More Every Day

wbelle

Sitting outside in our back garden and enjoying the peace, I decided to do a video and share it on TikTok. It was so peaceful and relaxing I just had to share. Once I was done I watched it and did another video about my thoughts. When looking at the first video I just saw how I am getting old, or aging gracefully, as some will put it. As I said in the second video, you see all the changes you’re going through. And thinking about everything I am learning about myself, it’s amazing how you never stop learning. It doesn’t matter your age and what you are going through or have been through.

I wish I had known more before now of the things I know, but I know it now and can work with it. I am learning why I do the things I do and how to work with these particular things and the knowledge I now have. I have put in a request for testing but I am on a waiting list. The thing about realizing you are “different” is learning how to work with it and use it to the best of your abilities. Don’t let it be a negative, make it a positive in your life. Help yourself and others, if at all possible.

I have self-diagnosed myself as a neurodivergent, with ADHD and dyslexia tendencies. But to verify this self-diagnoses I need to have testing done and to learn how to use and work with it to make my life better. I believe the symptoms have always been a part of me and are now magnified somewhat because of my menopause (or maybe even added to).

None the less, I realize why I was the way I was: growing up, in school, with friends (or not with friends), with my ex and with other relationships with family (including my boys), in work, it is actually baffling and like a light bulb has been switched on. I apologize to anyone that misunderstood me or that I hurt because of not knowing myself. (I know it isn’t my fault not knowing or understanding, but I still feel bad about it.) It is actually no one’s fault, it is just what and how it is.

And yes, I know it is as if everyone has come out with these “problems.” The thing is there is so much more information on ADHD, Neurodivergence, Dyslexia, etc… Knowing helps us to understand and work with these things. Just like everything, it will mesh back into everyday life findings and we will continue to function better because of the knowledge we learn from it.

Enjoy in the learning and understanding of things and people around you and have an amazing day and weekend!

xoxo

Blog, me, sharing

I Apologize

wbelle 
Getting to an understanding of myself and what I do
I see I have not been honest in the way I am
Freezing up and shutting down, putting up a wall too
Its unhelpful that way I chose to deal and 

I apologize for the way I handled things 
I always thought I was good at communicating 
Until I wasn’t with the ones I love  
and that mean the most to me in this world

It’s important to get this right and say it the best way I can
I am who I am and I love who I love
If I loved you at any point in my life, I still do
I do not hold grudges and I don’t just stop caring

I am a simple yet complicated person
I may hold things back but will tell you how I feel when asked
It may not be what you want or your version
It is just my perspective in one blast

Knowing what I know now explains so much 
Not only how I was then but how I handled things 
And how I saw things in my head and surroundings
My overactive and overthinking brain as it was, is and will be

I have always wanted to fit in, to make others happy and feel that they are worth so much
My love is so strong and over the top at times that I may overwhelm others
But it is me and how I am, to the point I overwhelm myself at times
Then at other times I hold back, not sure it, or I, will be accepted

I hold things in and stay away when I don’t want to hurt others or share my problems
In my mind I am saving others from problems they don’t want nor need 
Not realizing by staying away it doesn’t help either
So I end up causing problems anyway

So I apologize to those I love and to myself for not understanding until recently
To understand myself helps me understand my past and to understand others around me
It also helps for my now and future understandings
Do you understand what I am saying?

The point is, as I have always believed, we are always learning, teaching and understanding
This includes ourselves, others, and life in general
We have to live life to the fullest and do all we can to be in the now
For ourselves, others and just life

So, to myself and all reading this, know you are loved, are enough, are in this life to live it to the fullest and do your part to make an impact, if only a small one
It doesn’t have to be big, but you ARE making a difference by just being here in this world we live in

All my love 
xoxo


Poem, writing

Awful Thoughts

wbelle

My mind can pull me in to awful thoughts

Especially when feeling down and a bit off

I used to be so focused and clear in my plans and goals

But somehow in the process I went down a hole

The more I allowed myself to be persuaded by others

The less confident and good I felt about myself being the author

Of my life and how things should go

It’s like I let others take control and run the show

Now that I know myself and the boundaries to set

I am a bit better about knowing what and where to get

My mind and thoughts to when they fall into the negative

To use positive, affirmative and not just sedative

Means to deal with how I am feeling and going

So that I can manage the thoughts of loathing

And self-hate I let myself fall into over a short period of time

It doesn’t last and therefore gives me a chance in a lifetime

To make things right not just for me but those around me

Making things as right as can be

For now at least, and that is me hoping

That I have not completely screwed up my relationships and coping

By letting those near and dear to me know how much I care

And how much I am sorry for my way of dealing and dare

To feel empathetic to those I love so very much

But also understand that just a touch

Of the same from others can mean to me, but also one another.

This is a poem I wrote a while ago and didn’t publish. It is from my heart and what I feel so many times. Love to you all. – Belle xoxo

me, Mental Health, writing

This Is Me

wbelle

I feel in limbo for some reason at the moment. I need a purpose to focus on. I feel I am missing my boys so much I am overthinking things again and misreading signs. I haven’t been able to go back to the states as I usually do (three to four times a year) due to prices going up and our doing the studio redo this year. I can’t contact my youngest son through message nor calls because of his phone for some reason, and my contact with my oldest son is usually short. So, I can’t help myself from feeling they are cutting me off more for some reason. I know this is not true, but that is my thought process when in the negative mode and self loathing. Not good, but at least I know when I am there and need to work through it.

I have talked to my youngest through Instagram now and know his new phone is not accepting messages, he is hopefully going this week to get it fixed. I also talked to my oldest and he told me to stop being so negative. Haha! He knows. So all okay. *shrug* Like I say, the communication is so important for me. Especially after I was so bad for a few years about communicating with my loved ones to block myself and them from hurt as I was going through my separation and divorce. That was wrong and I know it and am trying to make sure I don’t do it again.

Yesterday was Mental Health Day and I didn’t even realize it. It is so important to know yourself and what you need to work on with your mental health. Get the help you need. Whether it be counseling, medicines or just learning ways to help you cope. For me, counseling was so helpful in the beginning. She helped me work through things, understand myself so much better and gave me coping skills I would never have had if it weren’t for her. Once I moved away, I carried that with me, along with meds that have leveled most of my anxiety and emotions from getting out of control. I am on a lower dose so know this is also a reason my emotions are at a higher level at the moment.

I don’t know about you, but change of season also has a bearing on my mood. When it starts to get darker sooner and the days get shorter it takes a bit to get through that until the wonderful holiday season to lift the spirits. Celebrating Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and the New Year are usually times for great celebrations and uplifting of spirits that make you happy, smiling and sharing the joy with others. The decorations, lights and uplifted moods of others help so much. At least they help me. I know for others it is not a good time of year for them. This is hard and I recommend trying to find the best coping skills available if at all possible.

If you can, surround yourself with positive people and ones that love and support you. I have some amazing friends and family that support me and love me no matter what I am going through (even when I don’t think I deserve it or think I’m alone when I am not). Also, realize one of the best things you can do is to learn to love yourself and be comfortable with who you are enough to be happy to be alone with yourself.

These are things that have helped me through some hard times :

  • A journal
  • Starting a blog
  • Music
  • Drawing, coloring or some other form of art
  • Reading
  • Social Media (this one is a positive outlet until it isn’t anymore. Once it isn’t, let it go)
  • Games & puzzles
  • Learn something new, like recipes or a language

These have helped me a lot and I still use most of them when I need to. I hope they can help you or anyone you know that might need these suggestions.

With that, I say have a great day, make great choices, love yourself and those around you. Live life to the fullest and don’t take one moment for granted.

Until next time, love to all!

Belle xoxo

sharing

Share Time

wbelle

When things are bothering me, the best way for me to deal is to write about it. I chose this life I live and I love where I am. The only regret I have is the distance I am from my family. I can’t just call and know I will be able to talk to my boys. They are busy with their own lives and families. I can’t just drive for a few hours to see my boys and their families, my parents, nor my sister. At times I feel cut off from the ones I love.

Also, when I start overthinking things, which I have a tendency to do (especially when I have no response when texting/messaging), I think I have done something to upset them or they just don’t care. That is me and I know it. It still doesn’t help my brain with that fact. My love is so strong for those I love I let it overwhelm me at times. So much that it hurts. I feel so weird with this fact, but it is who I am.

I have felt recently that I need something substantial to focus my time and effort into. I am not working and don’t need to do so at this time. However, I feel like I am not doing my part in our relationship when I don’t do anything to add to it work wise. I have always worked since I was fifteen years old. I have always earned my way in life and it just doesn’t feel right to me at this time to not be doing so.

I will be honest, I feel I get on these emotional rollercoasters when things happen with my family that I can’t be a part of, even though it was my choice to not be there so I can go for something else for them. I have to be the adult about things and it makes me feel weak and disliked for it. This is my flaw and my problem, and I don’t like the way it makes me feel. I also feel alone in this feeling. These feelings are the bad ones: I’m not good enough, I could do better, I don’t love enough, I’m a bad mom/daughter/sister/partner, etc….

As you can tell, this is really getting to me when it is enough to write about it.

I feel I need to accomplish something. To make a mark in this world. (I know I’m not the only one) But how? I’m good with singing. I’m pretty good with writing. I love animals. I love people. I am pretty good with art and being creative. I just don’t know how to use these things to make a difference somehow.

So, that is my sharing for now. I hope you have a great day, dear reader, and know if you are feeling the same, you see you are not alone.

Belle xoxo

Me, writing, topics, sharing

Hello Again!

wbelle
close up photo of hello sunshine book
Photo by Jessica Lewis Creative on Pexels.com

Having Covid for the first known time, I am so ready for it to be gone. I know it is not as bad as some have dealt with. By no means even close. It is all sinus yuck and continues to hang on. It has been nine days and the test still shows positive. Some would say that is normal, but I am not a patient person when I am sick, and like to get out there with people. Not a lot of people, definitely not a crowd, but my people. The community that is now mine. The friends and acquaintances that have made me feel a part of this place I now find myself in. But for now, I have to use a mask to protect them from the sickness that is staying in me and my partner. It makes me feel like I need to stay away and protect them from what I have and I don’t like feeling that way. I did that five, no six, years ago for a different reason and I don’t like myself for it. So feeling the same, it makes me dislike it even more.

But, here we (me and my partner) are with this dang Covid mess and trying to get better daily so that we can get back out there without feeling this way.

So, as we work to get better, we do what we can with our social media, podcasts, responding to emails, etc… Unfortunately, my creative studio is put on hold as well. The HVAC guys were supposed to come today to start with the installation of my unit and then tomorrow the electrician. So, until we show a negative test we will need to put off the guys coming in for a few days.

In the mean time I have been taking the time to read, along with other things needing to be done. I think I have read more this year already than I have in a very long time. 🙂 And this I do not mind at all!

I have read three books by Emmy R Bennett: Eye of the Raven, Eyes of Wynter and Different Shade of Wynter; Fair and Fury: The Fate King’s Mortal, Book 1 by Devon Atwood; Wonder Drug by Jennifer Vanderbes; Carolina Moon by Nora Roberts; and right now Playing To Lose by Ariel Anderssen. All great books! Not to mention the books we are reading together when we are in the car or traveling.

We continue to keep ourselves busy and occupied while getting through the Covid. I hope you all are staying well and healthy. And remember:

You are always loved, needed, wanted and you make a difference in people’s lives.

Belle xoxo

Blog

Hello!

wbelle
Pixabay

I have not been here for quite a while. Months! So much has been happening.

I have changed hosts for my blog, been preparing my garden for the spring and summer, been traveling to the states and back to London, gone to events, etc…

Every time I say I am going to be better about being here more often, I let other things get in my way or keep me occupied.

So, here I am. I am busy with my podcast as well as getting a new one started soon on traveling. I will keep you all updated if you are interested in knowing the updates.

Meanwhile, I am going to start writing more and it will be about daily/weekly/monthly happenings and other things.

Just wanted to get a hello in and let you know I am still here! 🙂

Belle xo

thoughts

If I Died Tomorrow

wbelle

This is not a cry for help but a cry for love and empathy. We have only one life to live and should live it fully. We should not regret our choices but learn from them. Just don’t learn from them by not giving it your all. All love to those that you love, letting them know as much as possible that you love them and miss them. All help to those that need it, as much as we can. All understanding and empathy, especially to love ones, but to strangers as well.

I wrote the following during a sensitive moment and no, it is not a poem. More like a pouring out of feelings I had to get down and out of my head. I know I am not alone in these feelings so thought I would share.

If I died tomorrow

If I died tomorrow would you care?

If I died tomorrow would you regret not contacting me and staying silent?

Would it make a difference to you if I am not here?

Would you beg for the time back?

Would you cry yourself to sleep?

Would you miss our times together?

The laughs, the hugs, the talks, the smiles and the tears shared?

Would you look at pictures, realizing I was the one taking them, so not many of me to remember? 

We don’t have forever, only a short time together.

Once it’s our time to go, that’s it.

Only memories and pictures to turn to and stories others have to tell.

Don’t waste the time we have by being hung up on your beliefs and hard “headedness”.

My love is so great and given freely.

I need that love in return, just as anyone does. 

So again I ask,

If I died tomorrow, would you care?

Belle xoxo (Dawn)

writing, Season

Tis The Season

wbelle
Pixabay

Tis the season to contact loved ones and friends.

It is the time of year to let those in your life or in your heart know you are thinking of them and want them to know you love them. Just because they know it doesn’t mean they don’t like or need to hear it.

I am in a new country now. Yes, it is my choice to be here. It is also my choice to decide how I live my life. As well as my choice to contact those I love, and I do. The only thing that hurts my heart is when I am the one doing most of the contacting. Even when I was having a hard time through the changes in my life that I was going through, I was continuing to contact. No, I wouldn’t go into long detail of my life or tell people (even those I was close to) the things I was going through.

Tis the season to remember the past.

I honestly felt it would be burdening those I love with my problems and my feelings. To me, everyone is going through something. I know that at times it is nice to hear someone else’s problems because it takes you away from your own problems. But, I was afraid I would say something stupid or mean that would get back to the person I was having the problems with. So I stayed silent. Especially to my boys. I have always believed you don’t pull children into your problems because you don’t want to persuade them either way of how to feel about their other parent. And that includes your adult children.

I agree, I didn’t handle things the way I should or could have. I blocked those I love and built up a wall that has been very hard to let back down. But with that I have learned so much about myself and others. Am still learning as a matter of fact. Being thankful for the years with my children as they grew up and the huge part that is being a mother. Having a grateful heart for all the lessons and ups and downs that have made me who I am today.

Tis the season to look to the future.

Looking to the future, I know there are still some hills to climb and walls to tear down, but it will take time. Hopefully we have the time needed to heal and tighten the relationships that were injured or broken, and still have time to be close and share things as we used to.

My plan is simple. To live my life to the fullest, see my family and friends as often as I can, travel and help others as much as I can. If I can in the mean time make people smile and feel better about themselves, all the better!

To look fully to the future we must live in the present. Make the most of each day. Verify the ones you care about know it. And, I want to make a difference to someone or something in the world, even if it is just one person or a small something. I know I am where I am for a reason, I have always believed that.

I love you all and wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

Belle xo