Tag: thoughts

sharing, thoughts, writing

Do You Do This?

wbelle
(A young woman takes a break to do something analog like writing in her journal and drinking tea. This is a healthy practice for those who experience anxiety.)

Is It Just Me?

Have you ever felt like you overthink everything, or at least almost everything? Do you get emotional wanting to talk to loved ones but can’t because their lives are so busy they don’t have time? Are you a grandparent that lives far away from your grandbabies and just want to see them and give them a big hug? These are some of the things I was feeling today. I try so hard not to do this to myself, but sometimes I just can’t help it. My mind goes to this place and makes it hard not to think this way. Especially when I love my family so much!

It never fails. I get anxious and stressed knowing how I want so much for my boys to accept my new life, my new partner and that we all are living our best life right now. I know I have made mistakes and not handled things well. There are many things I am not proud of. I left and came to London, UK. I didn’t do it to get away from them and all my family and friends. I did it because it was the best for me and my partner medical wise.

Going through menopause and pretty much convinced I have ADHD to boot is not easy. I am going through emotions, pain, negative thoughts, weight gain, feeling of unworthiness, etc… Mentally not good because of all this and trying to work through it all. I have requested testing for ADHD so I can verify what I am pretty sure I have and learn ways to work with and through it. My youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was seven or eight. I didn’t realize it was a genetic thing, even though I was pretty sure his dad has it. I didn’t realize for women it is more internal than external symptoms. Once I started looking into it and seeing mine, is when I decided I needed to know for certain. So now I wait.

So, while I wait, I take an antidepressant to help with mood, anxiety and sleep. Vitamins and supplements to help with what is missing for my body as well as HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). These things are helping but not completely.

In the meantime, I stay busy by doing creative things. I do paintings, puzzles, writing, learning to play the flute again, singing with a choir, making candles, taking pictures and videos, trying to decide how to make a little money (I know I don’t need to but like to make sure I still can) and keeping up with friends and family. Add in a little traveling here and there and I am definitely not bored.

Unfortunately, I always swing back to my thoughts I deal with, missing family and friends, and wanting to know what to do to make myself feel normal again. If you feel this way as well, just know you are not alone and as soon as I know something more I will share it here.

Have a blessed week and enjoy the rest of January!

Belle xoxo

Mental Health, writing

Learning More Every Day

wbelle

Sitting outside in our back garden and enjoying the peace, I decided to do a video and share it on TikTok. It was so peaceful and relaxing I just had to share. Once I was done I watched it and did another video about my thoughts. When looking at the first video I just saw how I am getting old, or aging gracefully, as some will put it. As I said in the second video, you see all the changes you’re going through. And thinking about everything I am learning about myself, it’s amazing how you never stop learning. It doesn’t matter your age and what you are going through or have been through.

I wish I had known more before now of the things I know, but I know it now and can work with it. I am learning why I do the things I do and how to work with these particular things and the knowledge I now have. I have put in a request for testing but I am on a waiting list. The thing about realizing you are “different” is learning how to work with it and use it to the best of your abilities. Don’t let it be a negative, make it a positive in your life. Help yourself and others, if at all possible.

I have self-diagnosed myself as a neurodivergent, with ADHD and dyslexia tendencies. But to verify this self-diagnoses I need to have testing done and to learn how to use and work with it to make my life better. I believe the symptoms have always been a part of me and are now magnified somewhat because of my menopause (or maybe even added to).

None the less, I realize why I was the way I was: growing up, in school, with friends (or not with friends), with my ex and with other relationships with family (including my boys), in work, it is actually baffling and like a light bulb has been switched on. I apologize to anyone that misunderstood me or that I hurt because of not knowing myself. (I know it isn’t my fault not knowing or understanding, but I still feel bad about it.) It is actually no one’s fault, it is just what and how it is.

And yes, I know it is as if everyone has come out with these “problems.” The thing is there is so much more information on ADHD, Neurodivergence, Dyslexia, etc… Knowing helps us to understand and work with these things. Just like everything, it will mesh back into everyday life findings and we will continue to function better because of the knowledge we learn from it.

Enjoy in the learning and understanding of things and people around you and have an amazing day and weekend!

xoxo

Blog, me, sharing

I Apologize

wbelle 
Getting to an understanding of myself and what I do
I see I have not been honest in the way I am
Freezing up and shutting down, putting up a wall too
Its unhelpful that way I chose to deal and 

I apologize for the way I handled things 
I always thought I was good at communicating 
Until I wasn’t with the ones I love  
and that mean the most to me in this world

It’s important to get this right and say it the best way I can
I am who I am and I love who I love
If I loved you at any point in my life, I still do
I do not hold grudges and I don’t just stop caring

I am a simple yet complicated person
I may hold things back but will tell you how I feel when asked
It may not be what you want or your version
It is just my perspective in one blast

Knowing what I know now explains so much 
Not only how I was then but how I handled things 
And how I saw things in my head and surroundings
My overactive and overthinking brain as it was, is and will be

I have always wanted to fit in, to make others happy and feel that they are worth so much
My love is so strong and over the top at times that I may overwhelm others
But it is me and how I am, to the point I overwhelm myself at times
Then at other times I hold back, not sure it, or I, will be accepted

I hold things in and stay away when I don’t want to hurt others or share my problems
In my mind I am saving others from problems they don’t want nor need 
Not realizing by staying away it doesn’t help either
So I end up causing problems anyway

So I apologize to those I love and to myself for not understanding until recently
To understand myself helps me understand my past and to understand others around me
It also helps for my now and future understandings
Do you understand what I am saying?

The point is, as I have always believed, we are always learning, teaching and understanding
This includes ourselves, others, and life in general
We have to live life to the fullest and do all we can to be in the now
For ourselves, others and just life

So, to myself and all reading this, know you are loved, are enough, are in this life to live it to the fullest and do your part to make an impact, if only a small one
It doesn’t have to be big, but you ARE making a difference by just being here in this world we live in

All my love 
xoxo


Poem, writing

Awful Thoughts

wbelle

My mind can pull me in to awful thoughts

Especially when feeling down and a bit off

I used to be so focused and clear in my plans and goals

But somehow in the process I went down a hole

The more I allowed myself to be persuaded by others

The less confident and good I felt about myself being the author

Of my life and how things should go

It’s like I let others take control and run the show

Now that I know myself and the boundaries to set

I am a bit better about knowing what and where to get

My mind and thoughts to when they fall into the negative

To use positive, affirmative and not just sedative

Means to deal with how I am feeling and going

So that I can manage the thoughts of loathing

And self-hate I let myself fall into over a short period of time

It doesn’t last and therefore gives me a chance in a lifetime

To make things right not just for me but those around me

Making things as right as can be

For now at least, and that is me hoping

That I have not completely screwed up my relationships and coping

By letting those near and dear to me know how much I care

And how much I am sorry for my way of dealing and dare

To feel empathetic to those I love so very much

But also understand that just a touch

Of the same from others can mean to me, but also one another.

This is a poem I wrote a while ago and didn’t publish. It is from my heart and what I feel so many times. Love to you all. – Belle xoxo

writing

Ponderings

wbelle
Woman writing at a window.

Today is the thirtieth of January, 2024. This month has flown by as the years seem to be doing. My grand babies are three (grand daughters) and three months (grand son). I sit here on our couch in the living room looking out the window with our dog laying in front of me and one of our cats vying for my attention. It is a cloudy day with the sun trying to pop out from behind the clouds. Each day we plan things and only get to maybe half of what was planned, but at least we get that much done.

I am getting over a nasty cold I have had for the last five days and finally feeling toward the end of it. I have tried out Tai Chi and Zumba these last two days because the pilates classes I go to are full due to the first part of the year new year resolutions of those going back to the gym for the first month. Loved the Tai Chi and already have scheduled another class for next week. The Zumba was fun and I might try a different instructor just to get a feel for the different instructing, even though I really enjoyed the instructor today.

I have done a lot of writing, reading and playing games recently. It keeps me busy until I can get a chair in my studio and a stool to work on at the table. I have also started making candles which I am loving. I am still doing videos for social media but not as much. We have a lot of goals this year so are making lists to keep up with them.

Among all of this, I am just enjoying being alive. I am loving the people around me, and of course my family and friends that are far away from me. I try my best to stay in touch with everyone regularly, but it is really hard at times. All the same, I am hoping they do know how much I love them.

We won’t be as busy tomorrow so I hope to get a lot more done. We will be steadily busy but able to fit things in for the rest of the week. Then we have a friend coming to stay for the weekend so that will be fun!

Have a great rest of your week and I will try to update as often as I can.

Belle xo

sharing

Share Time

wbelle

When things are bothering me, the best way for me to deal is to write about it. I chose this life I live and I love where I am. The only regret I have is the distance I am from my family. I can’t just call and know I will be able to talk to my boys. They are busy with their own lives and families. I can’t just drive for a few hours to see my boys and their families, my parents, nor my sister. At times I feel cut off from the ones I love.

Also, when I start overthinking things, which I have a tendency to do (especially when I have no response when texting/messaging), I think I have done something to upset them or they just don’t care. That is me and I know it. It still doesn’t help my brain with that fact. My love is so strong for those I love I let it overwhelm me at times. So much that it hurts. I feel so weird with this fact, but it is who I am.

I have felt recently that I need something substantial to focus my time and effort into. I am not working and don’t need to do so at this time. However, I feel like I am not doing my part in our relationship when I don’t do anything to add to it work wise. I have always worked since I was fifteen years old. I have always earned my way in life and it just doesn’t feel right to me at this time to not be doing so.

I will be honest, I feel I get on these emotional rollercoasters when things happen with my family that I can’t be a part of, even though it was my choice to not be there so I can go for something else for them. I have to be the adult about things and it makes me feel weak and disliked for it. This is my flaw and my problem, and I don’t like the way it makes me feel. I also feel alone in this feeling. These feelings are the bad ones: I’m not good enough, I could do better, I don’t love enough, I’m a bad mom/daughter/sister/partner, etc….

As you can tell, this is really getting to me when it is enough to write about it.

I feel I need to accomplish something. To make a mark in this world. (I know I’m not the only one) But how? I’m good with singing. I’m pretty good with writing. I love animals. I love people. I am pretty good with art and being creative. I just don’t know how to use these things to make a difference somehow.

So, that is my sharing for now. I hope you have a great day, dear reader, and know if you are feeling the same, you see you are not alone.

Belle xoxo

sharing, writing

Thoughts for the Day

wbelle
(A young woman takes a break to do something analog like writing in her journal and drinking tea. This is a healthy practice for those who experience anxiety.)

As I am preparing to record my next podcast I started thinking about life and all I have done in this year so far. More than half has gone and it is August in just a few days. The last podcast I did was in March, that’s how busy we have been. My partner and I always stay busy. If we aren’t traveling, we are doing things around here because there is so much to see and do. Things I have never seen nor done and some that even he has not done, so it benefits us both.

I miss my family since they are all in the United States and I am here in the UK, therefore I try to go three to four times a year to see them and spend time with them. Especially since I have two grand daughters and soon to have a grand son! I usually stay with my parents, which is very special to me. I know how important it is to be close to my parents and make memories with them. The same in seeing my boys and their families. Memories and time with them is so important and precious to me. Much more important than I ever realized. So much I took for granted before.

Also, I realize there are things I still need to learn to do, even at my age of 50+. If I ever am on my own again, I will need to take care of things I have trusted others to do, or did not realize at all were needing to be done. There are also things I used to put off for one reason or another and now that I am understanding why, I just need to learn how to deal with this quirk I have and work with it. It is who I am and the more I can learn to work with it the better off I am in myself.

*Do you have any quirky things you have learned about yourself recently? What are these things? It’s good to know others are in the same area and not alone.*

These are just a few things I just wanted to jot down and get out of my head. The constant swimming around in your head and not letting them out just causes you to overthink and be anxious. I know I am not alone in this so thought I would share.

Have a great day/week/weekend!

Belle xoxo

thoughts

Past, Present, Future

wbelle
Pixabay

Here I sit in my thoughts

Here I sit while my partner is in a meeting. I have been working on our joint podcast, my podcast, our website and many other things. As I was sitting here thinking about a subject for my next podcast this popped into my head:

The Past is important to remember, The Present is important to live in and The Future is important to look forward to.

We learn so much from the past. What we learn, we take forward to the now and future. Both the good and the bad.

As we live in the present, we continue to take in our daily learning and change constantly. We take what we learn into the future.

The future being the next hour, the next day, the next month, the next year and so on.

It’s so important to live in the moment. Not to take anything or anyone for granted. What happens happens for a reason. The people in our life are also there for a reason. Take in the moment and realize that it may not be this way forever. That will help you through what is hard and/or make you look forward to more (or similar/better) of what is good.

No, I am not always positive, but I do look for the positive in everything and everyone around me. It helps.

All love my friends

Belle xo

Blog, thoughts

Family & Friends are So Important!

wbelle
From Pixabay

Friends, Family & Me

I recently did a couple of episodes on Coffee, Wine & Chocolate podcast regarding the importance of friends, and then on family. In the last, I would say, six to seven years I have learned more about myself and those around me. I have accepted my flaws and my negatives because the other parts of me outweigh them and it is just a part of me. Everyone has good and bad sides to them. There is no way to be perfect, so we have to love ourselves for who we are and always work on being better and do better every day.

I have realized in my learning that friends and family are so important. Much more than I ever thought. I am ashamed to say it, but, I was so bad about keeping up with friends and family after I was married and started a family of my own. When going through my separation and divorce, it really hit me. I found out that I didn’t help myself by being available for some and doing things for them that were not appreciated and much worse, were just expected. I did not know about boundaries, how important they are, and that they help relationships be stronger and help with communication, respect and understanding.

So, I am building better relationships now with those I love. I am honest to a fault, at times to the point of probably saying more than I should, but that is who I am. Sometimes I am so honest that I over say or think things which just gets me into trouble by sounding like I don’t know what I am saying. Do you know what I mean? I then get frustrated at myself and my silly emotions take over. Because, once again, that is who I am.

Friends

I have quality friends that I appreciate and try to keep in touch with as much as possible. Some not as often as others, but it is like we just get it. The friends I have made over the years I have mostly lost touch with. We keep up with each other through social media and that is about it. The friends I made in the last five to seven years are very special to me. Mainly because they were with me through my hardest times and my changing in so many ways. They were my support and ones I could go to when I needed a break from my crazy life (as I saw it). I am blessed to have the friends I have.

Family

Then, let’s talk about family. Family is so important to me. While going through my separation and divorce I was with my parents a lot. We went through a lot together during this time. I was finding myself again, trying to understand all I was going through and not making it easy on my parents that were trying to help me through things. There were also my boys. I am sure I have said this before, but, I put up this wall between me and my boys because I was protecting myself and them from more hurt. But I found out later it was just causing more hurt. I did it so that I would not pull them into what their dad and I were going through. I was not going to put him in a bad light with them and I was not going to pretend everything was okay.

I realized too late that it was not the right thing to do. But now we are working on our communication and staying in touch. Not as much as I would like, but they are busy with their own families and lives.

So, my overall point and all I want to share is, to not put family and friends aside. Make sure you stay in touch regularly. Friends can help us daily, just as family. And family members are so important to stay close to. Yes, there are some that you don’t need to stay in touch with for your own sanity, but the rest are so important!

Love you all and stay blessed!

Belle xo

thoughts

If I Died Tomorrow

wbelle

This is not a cry for help but a cry for love and empathy. We have only one life to live and should live it fully. We should not regret our choices but learn from them. Just don’t learn from them by not giving it your all. All love to those that you love, letting them know as much as possible that you love them and miss them. All help to those that need it, as much as we can. All understanding and empathy, especially to love ones, but to strangers as well.

I wrote the following during a sensitive moment and no, it is not a poem. More like a pouring out of feelings I had to get down and out of my head. I know I am not alone in these feelings so thought I would share.

If I died tomorrow

If I died tomorrow would you care?

If I died tomorrow would you regret not contacting me and staying silent?

Would it make a difference to you if I am not here?

Would you beg for the time back?

Would you cry yourself to sleep?

Would you miss our times together?

The laughs, the hugs, the talks, the smiles and the tears shared?

Would you look at pictures, realizing I was the one taking them, so not many of me to remember? 

We don’t have forever, only a short time together.

Once it’s our time to go, that’s it.

Only memories and pictures to turn to and stories others have to tell.

Don’t waste the time we have by being hung up on your beliefs and hard “headedness”.

My love is so great and given freely.

I need that love in return, just as anyone does. 

So again I ask,

If I died tomorrow, would you care?

Belle xoxo (Dawn)