thoughts

If I Died Tomorrow

This is not a cry for help but a cry for love and empathy. We have only one life to live and should live it fully. We should not regret our choices but learn from them. Just don’t learn from them by not giving it your all. All love to those that you love, letting them know as much as possible that you love them and miss them. All help to those that need it, as much as we can. All understanding and empathy, especially to love ones, but to strangers as well.

I wrote the following during a sensitive moment and no, it is not a poem. More like a pouring out of feelings I had to get down and out of my head. I know I am not alone in these feelings so thought I would share.

If I died tomorrow

If I died tomorrow would you care?

If I died tomorrow would you regret not contacting me and staying silent?

Would it make a difference to you if I am not here?

Would you beg for the time back?

Would you cry yourself to sleep?

Would you miss our times together?

The laughs, the hugs, the talks, the smiles and the tears shared?

Would you look at pictures, realizing I was the one taking them, so not many of me to remember? 

We don’t have forever, only a short time together.

Once it’s our time to go, that’s it.

Only memories and pictures to turn to and stories others have to tell.

Don’t waste the time we have by being hung up on your beliefs and hard “headedness”.

My love is so great and given freely.

I need that love in return, just as anyone does. 

So again I ask,

If I died tomorrow, would you care?

Belle xoxo (Dawn)

Season, writing

Tis The Season

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Tis the season to contact loved ones and friends.

It is the time of year to let those in your life or in your heart know you are thinking of them and want them to know you love them. Just because they know it doesn’t mean they don’t like or need to hear it.

I am in a new country now. Yes, it is my choice to be here. It is also my choice to decide how I live my life. As well as my choice to contact those I love, and I do. The only thing that hurts my heart is when I am the one doing most of the contacting. Even when I was having a hard time through the changes in my life that I was going through, I was continuing to contact. No, I wouldn’t go into long detail of my life or tell people (even those I was close to) the things I was going through.

Tis the season to remember the past.

I honestly felt it would be burdening those I love with my problems and my feelings. To me, everyone is going through something. I know that at times it is nice to hear someone else’s problems because it takes you away from your own problems. But, I was afraid I would say something stupid or mean that would get back to the person I was having the problems with. So I stayed silent. Especially to my boys. I have always believed you don’t pull children into your problems because you don’t want to persuade them either way of how to feel about their other parent. And that includes your adult children.

I agree, I didn’t handle things the way I should or could have. I blocked those I love and built up a wall that has been very hard to let back down. But with that I have learned so much about myself and others. Am still learning as a matter of fact. Being thankful for the years with my children as they grew up and the huge part that is being a mother. Having a grateful heart for all the lessons and ups and downs that have made me who I am today.

Tis the season to look to the future.

Looking to the future, I know there are still some hills to climb and walls to tear down, but it will take time. Hopefully we have the time needed to heal and tighten the relationships that were injured or broken, and still have time to be close and share things as we used to.

My plan is simple. To live my life to the fullest, see my family and friends as often as I can, travel and help others as much as I can. If I can in the mean time make people smile and feel better about themselves, all the better!

To look fully to the future we must live in the present. Make the most of each day. Verify the ones you care about know it. And, I want to make a difference to someone or something in the world, even if it is just one person or a small something. I know I am where I am for a reason, I have always believed that.

I love you all and wish you all a very Merry Christmas.

Belle xo

Diary of Me

Dear Diary – 21 October 2021

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Thoughts of the day

It’s funny how people are when you are going through things and are quiet for a while. Then when you post something on social media to show you are happy, or your partner does and tags you in it, you get messages from friends you haven’t heard from in quite a while. It is really great to hear from people when this happens because it shows that people do actually pay attention.

Then when you come home to the states, you have people you catch up with and see and they tell you how happy you look and like a weight is lifted off your shoulders. This makes me smile. Because I am happy. I feel loved, seen, heard and respected. It is an amazing feeling. And to be able to come home to the states and see those I love and have missed, it is wonderful to share special time with.

Things I realize

I have realized that my creativity and writing have come to a stand still. Being overwhelmed with the change my life has been going through has taken a front seat. And that is okay. We all need time to adjust and take it all in when this happens. No, some of us don’t get the time needed to do this. I am blessed at this stage in my life to be able to. So I have put my writing, podcast and any other creative works on hold for a bit. It is okay and I have to accept that this is normal and will pass.

So, for now I am here, going through the changes, understanding the changes and accepting them as they come. I am also trying to take it all in and pull from it all anything I can share with others. It is amazing the things you can learn when you open yourself up to what is going on in and around you.

To take away

My take away is this:

Make life what you can. Take all the good and bad that you go through and learn from it daily. Don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Love, be kind and help those you can, when you can. Be a light in the world and spread joy as often as you can.

Belle xo

Diary of Me

Dear Diary July 29, 2021

Dear Diary

It is Thursday the 29th of July 2021. I have not talked to my youngest son and family since the 6th of July. My heart is hurting but I am trying to give him space as he said he needed time to process. It is so hard when I love him so much and just want to talk.

I have talked to my oldest and grand daughter this past weekend. It was wonderful seeing them both and having a chance to catch up and see my grand daughter. She is growing so much and so quickly.

I am planning a trip back to the states in October so that I can see everyone and celebrate my grand babies’ birthdays. I am so excited to do this!

Things I am doing to keep active

I am now rearranging my creative room and making space for things to be able to move around and get those creative juices flowing. It has been quite cluttered as of late because I have been doing other things instead of clearing it up.

Ordering some pictures through Kodak online of my grand babies has been fun. It will be for my grand baby board my parents bought me when they found out my sons’ wives were pregnant. I am looking forward to showing it off.

As I sit here writing this I am at a window in my creative room where I can see all going on down our street. I observe the people coming and going and the cars, trucks and vans that go by. It is a pleasant quiet road we live on, except for when school is in session. We have a couple of parks near by that we take our dog walking in and get our exercise daily.

My Thoughts for the Day

My thoughts for the day are to see the positive side to everything, smile and say hello to anyone passing by, and enjoy life as much as you can. We are given one life and I have learned that I am where I am for a reason. I may not understand right now why, or what I am here for, but there is always a reason for everything. I am blessed to be alive and to live every day the best that I can.

Until the next time,

Love Belle xoxo

Mental Health

Unlearning Bad Habits

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To Begin With…

I have worked so hard on myself for the past few years. Correcting all the bad habits and “survival habits” I had developed. That is, I have been unlearning bad habits I have learned over the years to make myself a better person for me and others.

So…

When a habit that someone else did that I used to get upset about is pointed out to me by someone I care about that I am doing, I get very upset at myself. I was told I am deflecting the responsibility off of myself to someone and/or something else. Yet I was seeing it as talking out loud to work through what I had done to come to the conclusion that I was completely at fault. Unfortunately, by me doing this the person in question seeing and hearing this, felt slighted (which I would have too) because I reacted to him negatively while trying to work through it myself.

You see, to me I have had to work through things by myself for so many years that I have a system down that my mind processes things (normally out loud being by myself most of the time) to the conclusion. Not always the correct conclusion, but nine times out of ten it is the correct conclusion. It is just my way. The introvert in me is this way. And the sensitive person that I am takes things very personal very easily, as I always have. Which is very frustrating for me and I know has to be for anyone around me.

Thing is when you have someone else in your life or live with someone else, you have to coexist with that someone that has flaws just like you. And you either work with them and know what is there so you can live with them, or you move on from them because you can’t.

In conclusion…

We discussed it, I know what I did and we are working together to handle the situation I messed up. I am also working on paying attention on how I handle these type situations in the future and why I react the way I do. It is a learning situation. There are always new reasons to learn and change. I totally believe this and live by it.

What do you do in this situation?

Belle xoxo

poetry, writing

That Very Thing

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That very thing that you thought you would never do

The thing you thought would never happen, not ever to you

That thing you avoided and denied could come into your life

The one thing you swore never ever would cause you strife

It happened and it will again because you are only human

We all experience it at one level or another

Sometimes it’s harsh and at others quite barely there

Yet it is part of life so we know both the ups and the downs

So we know the happy times and the sad times

We have to experience one to know the other

Just like there are so many different people in this world

If we were all the same, what a boring world it would be!

So get out there and live your life to the fullest

Know that there will be ups and downs

Live and learn and keep going

Life is an adventure and is so worth living!

Mental Health

You Do Matter

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*Pixabay

This past Tuesday, June 16, was my birthday.  I used to make a big deal about birthdays and made sure my boys had a cake, gifts and we celebrated in style with a great dinner too.  But as they got older, and I was not celebrated as much as I celebrated others, I started thinking it wasn’t a big deal and so made less and less of a celebration of other’s birthdays.  I didn’t stop, I just didn’t make it as big a deal.  I still made sure they had a cake, gift, etc., but I just didn’t go all out as I did before, especially as the boys got older, did things with their friends, and then went on to college.

I still never forget a birthday of my friends and/or family and always make sure I tell them happy birthday.  I make sure my boys get birthday cards with at least a gift card or money so they can get what they want or have a dinner on me, and I try to call to talk to them on their special day.  Unfortunately, even then I sometimes don’t get to talk to them nor get a callback.  But, now that they are married and busy, I kind of understand.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I like it, but I do understand now that they have jobs, and a life separate from mine, their mom is no longer number one anymore.  Sad, but true. That is how it should be though. As long as they don’t forget about me. 😉

To top things off, with the dreaded COVID-19 putting stress on the world, having to be in quarantine, and being worried about things opening up and how to deal with the changes, well, that just added to it.  Granted, I did get lots of messages from friends and family telling me happy birthday, I was able to have lunch with my parents and had dinner with my friends across the street from me, but it just did not feel the same as it has been before.  I wasn’t at the store I manage for my parents, so no talking to people.  I didn’t have the one I love beside me to enjoy time with.  I was on my own for most of the day and evening.  I felt off the whole day and then had an emotionally charged day the next day.  Hate those days!!

I also had to remind myself that others are going through things right now too and may not be dealing well with all the changes.  They also may feel so cut off from others, they do not think of those special events or things that they normally remember because they are affected by other things happening, or not happening, in their lives.

My point is, I had a lot of thoughts and feelings in the last two days, and I want you all to know something.  I want each of you reading this to know, you do matter! Make sure that you are celebrated and have a great day on YOUR special day.  Even if it is you that celebrates you on your own. Make sure you take care of you and have fun! Yes, you want to make sure others know they are special and you remember them, but also make sure you are remembered too.  You were put on this earth for a reason.  We all were. You are worth the time and effort to be celebrated! Just know this and don’t ever think otherwise!

These are weird times we are in right now.  This too will be behind us soon and there will be better days to come.  Find something to enjoy.  Something that makes you smile.  Be silly, dance like no one is watching, laugh out loud as much as you can, love those around you, and make sure the ones you love know it.  (You really can never say it too much!)

If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to say Hi, please don’t hesitate to leave me a message.  I will respond.

I love you all!

Belle xo

(*These are thoughts and things I deal with.  Your situation and life, of course, is different, as we all are. Doesn’t make a difference if worse or better, we all matter.*)

Thought Of The Day

Thought for the Day

*Quote by Robyn Conley Downs

**Picture by me on one of my daily walks 🙂

My thought for today is to find the strength you need to share your message.  There are people out there that need to hear what you have to share, for they are going through what you have gone through and need to know they are not alone.  So, have the courage to speak up.  You have those that care for you and know your story.  They are behind you showing their support so that you can help others.

I know this is easier said than done at times.  Boy, do I know this! But to share is to help others and it gives great joy to be able to do this.

Have a great day!

Belle xo

Mental Health

Love You and Your Body

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I have always had a love/hate relationship with my body.  But I have found that if I do not like something about my body I either need to live with it and love it, or do something about it and love it more.  That is why I am working with my doctor right now on a diet plan where I have a monthly check up for her to keep tabs on me.  And as I do this, I am exercising, going to yoga and eating a healthy diet (for the main part). I feel so great right now for doing this.

So, when I have a lady come in to our store, as she is going to be a model for us at the local fashion show we are participating in, and she is constantly down on herself; the way she looks, her body and her age, I try my best to make her feel good and confident about herself.  It hurts me to hear someone put themselves down and make rude comments about themselves.  It just isn’t right.  I just wanted her to feel good in her own skin!

Tonight was the fashion show and she looked great along with the other 10 models we had.  She being the oldest, she looked amazing and they all did so great!

How do you feel about your body?

Belle xo

 

Uncategorized

Needing To Share

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At this time in my life, I am feeling a bit out in left field.  I feel that one part of my life is closed and another is beginning, with the continuation of me going through it.  Does that make sense?

For the last 30 years I have had happy times, fun times, frustrating and upset times, along with all that is in between.  It has just been life.  Unfortunately I felt I wasn’t enough, nor made a difference, in a person’s life and had to walk away from all I have known for those last 30 years.  It truly is like grieving a loss as I have gone through this change.  I know it is for the best for us both and hopefully we will come out the other side with a better understanding of each other and why it all happened the way it did.

My absolute wish is that he finds stability and strength in himself that I always tried to make him see as I saw in him.

I have found in myself a person I knew myself to be as well as a person I did not know yet.  Funny how that happens when all you have is time to know yourself.  As I have gone through counseling in the last 2 1/2 years, I have learned that I am an emotional person and that is okay.  That I am very sensitive to others, want to please others (but now make sure there are boundaries in doing so), know that the reason I like being alone at times is my mind needs peace from others and the world when it is overwhelmed, realize when someone is trying to blame me for something they are actually to blame for or share in the blame for, and that even though I do not like conflict, at times I have to face it to get through it or end it immediately.  I even realize that I do not trust my own decisions at times, because I have made some pretty bad ones in the past.  And there is so much more.

I am very blessed to have family and friends that love me and support me.  Even if they do not understand what I am going through or why I do things at times right now, they trust that I will get through it and be okay.  They are there for me if I need them as I am here for them as well.

I have some life changing decisions to make.  And even though I do not have to make them at this moment I will have to make them soon.  (Which falls back on my not trusting myself still in making the right decisions.) I am learning to trust myself, what I do and the decisions, and moves, I make in life.  I have to realize that even though I love helping others and want them to be happy, I also have to be happy in what I do and how I live.  I have learned that this is not being selfish, but being smart.  Others respect you more if you respect them by telling them what you cannot do and giving them your boundaries.  That is not only showing respect to them but also to yourself.

Now one thing I have been upset about finding in myself is that I had started to react negatively if I was blamed for something and I was the person to blame.  I would turn it back around on something or someone else.  Now that person may have been partially to blame but I was not accepting my part in it.  Until it was thrown back at me that I did it. I could have hit the ground! I was ashamed that I had not realized I had picked up a bad habit of not completely accepting my wrong doings, especially when I used to pride myself in accepting when I did something wrong.  No one likes to be wrong but to accept and admit when you are is strength in itself.

I admit, I picked up some really bad habits in the last few years before and after my separation.  To protect myself and those I love, I blocked myself away from them.  I cut myself off basically.  I would not talk about my problems, what I was going through, nor what was going on with me.  I was both ashamed of what I was going through as well as not wanting to bring anyone into my problems and weigh them down with everything.  It was my cross to bear and my problems to fix or get through.  Therefore, everyone I love thought I was becoming someone they didn’t know anymore just because I would not talk or share.  They thought I didn’t trust nor love them anymore.  Especially my boys.  (For this I am so upset about and ashamed.)  I didn’t want them hurting any more than what they were going through seeing their parents separating.  Unfortunately, because I did this, they were getting only one side of the story.  I feel I have messed up my relationship with them because of this and it hurts so much.  They say they know and are not blind to things, but still, I don’t think they realize everything.

Anyway, I just had to put this all down because it has been rolling around in my head for quite a long time now.  I had to place it down somewhere, so why not here. Ha!

I am still going through things, as you see, but it is getting better every day.  I pray some day I will look back on this and think, “Sheesh, you over reacted!” (*Rolling eyes) Time will tell.

Thank you, once again, my friends for bearing with me and my sharing what is in my head and heart.

Have a wonderful weekend!! <3

Belle xo