Category: thoughts

sharing, thoughts, writing

Do You Do This?

wbelle
(A young woman takes a break to do something analog like writing in her journal and drinking tea. This is a healthy practice for those who experience anxiety.)

Is It Just Me?

Have you ever felt like you overthink everything, or at least almost everything? Do you get emotional wanting to talk to loved ones but can’t because their lives are so busy they don’t have time? Are you a grandparent that lives far away from your grandbabies and just want to see them and give them a big hug? These are some of the things I was feeling today. I try so hard not to do this to myself, but sometimes I just can’t help it. My mind goes to this place and makes it hard not to think this way. Especially when I love my family so much!

It never fails. I get anxious and stressed knowing how I want so much for my boys to accept my new life, my new partner and that we all are living our best life right now. I know I have made mistakes and not handled things well. There are many things I am not proud of. I left and came to London, UK. I didn’t do it to get away from them and all my family and friends. I did it because it was the best for me and my partner medical wise.

Going through menopause and pretty much convinced I have ADHD to boot is not easy. I am going through emotions, pain, negative thoughts, weight gain, feeling of unworthiness, etc… Mentally not good because of all this and trying to work through it all. I have requested testing for ADHD so I can verify what I am pretty sure I have and learn ways to work with and through it. My youngest son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was seven or eight. I didn’t realize it was a genetic thing, even though I was pretty sure his dad has it. I didn’t realize for women it is more internal than external symptoms. Once I started looking into it and seeing mine, is when I decided I needed to know for certain. So now I wait.

So, while I wait, I take an antidepressant to help with mood, anxiety and sleep. Vitamins and supplements to help with what is missing for my body as well as HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy). These things are helping but not completely.

In the meantime, I stay busy by doing creative things. I do paintings, puzzles, writing, learning to play the flute again, singing with a choir, making candles, taking pictures and videos, trying to decide how to make a little money (I know I don’t need to but like to make sure I still can) and keeping up with friends and family. Add in a little traveling here and there and I am definitely not bored.

Unfortunately, I always swing back to my thoughts I deal with, missing family and friends, and wanting to know what to do to make myself feel normal again. If you feel this way as well, just know you are not alone and as soon as I know something more I will share it here.

Have a blessed week and enjoy the rest of January!

Belle xoxo

thoughts

Past, Present, Future

wbelle
Pixabay

Here I sit in my thoughts

Here I sit while my partner is in a meeting. I have been working on our joint podcast, my podcast, our website and many other things. As I was sitting here thinking about a subject for my next podcast this popped into my head:

The Past is important to remember, The Present is important to live in and The Future is important to look forward to.

We learn so much from the past. What we learn, we take forward to the now and future. Both the good and the bad.

As we live in the present, we continue to take in our daily learning and change constantly. We take what we learn into the future.

The future being the next hour, the next day, the next month, the next year and so on.

It’s so important to live in the moment. Not to take anything or anyone for granted. What happens happens for a reason. The people in our life are also there for a reason. Take in the moment and realize that it may not be this way forever. That will help you through what is hard and/or make you look forward to more (or similar/better) of what is good.

No, I am not always positive, but I do look for the positive in everything and everyone around me. It helps.

All love my friends

Belle xo

Blog, thoughts

Family & Friends are So Important!

wbelle
From Pixabay

Friends, Family & Me

I recently did a couple of episodes on Coffee, Wine & Chocolate podcast regarding the importance of friends, and then on family. In the last, I would say, six to seven years I have learned more about myself and those around me. I have accepted my flaws and my negatives because the other parts of me outweigh them and it is just a part of me. Everyone has good and bad sides to them. There is no way to be perfect, so we have to love ourselves for who we are and always work on being better and do better every day.

I have realized in my learning that friends and family are so important. Much more than I ever thought. I am ashamed to say it, but, I was so bad about keeping up with friends and family after I was married and started a family of my own. When going through my separation and divorce, it really hit me. I found out that I didn’t help myself by being available for some and doing things for them that were not appreciated and much worse, were just expected. I did not know about boundaries, how important they are, and that they help relationships be stronger and help with communication, respect and understanding.

So, I am building better relationships now with those I love. I am honest to a fault, at times to the point of probably saying more than I should, but that is who I am. Sometimes I am so honest that I over say or think things which just gets me into trouble by sounding like I don’t know what I am saying. Do you know what I mean? I then get frustrated at myself and my silly emotions take over. Because, once again, that is who I am.

Friends

I have quality friends that I appreciate and try to keep in touch with as much as possible. Some not as often as others, but it is like we just get it. The friends I have made over the years I have mostly lost touch with. We keep up with each other through social media and that is about it. The friends I made in the last five to seven years are very special to me. Mainly because they were with me through my hardest times and my changing in so many ways. They were my support and ones I could go to when I needed a break from my crazy life (as I saw it). I am blessed to have the friends I have.

Family

Then, let’s talk about family. Family is so important to me. While going through my separation and divorce I was with my parents a lot. We went through a lot together during this time. I was finding myself again, trying to understand all I was going through and not making it easy on my parents that were trying to help me through things. There were also my boys. I am sure I have said this before, but, I put up this wall between me and my boys because I was protecting myself and them from more hurt. But I found out later it was just causing more hurt. I did it so that I would not pull them into what their dad and I were going through. I was not going to put him in a bad light with them and I was not going to pretend everything was okay.

I realized too late that it was not the right thing to do. But now we are working on our communication and staying in touch. Not as much as I would like, but they are busy with their own families and lives.

So, my overall point and all I want to share is, to not put family and friends aside. Make sure you stay in touch regularly. Friends can help us daily, just as family. And family members are so important to stay close to. Yes, there are some that you don’t need to stay in touch with for your own sanity, but the rest are so important!

Love you all and stay blessed!

Belle xo

thoughts

If I Died Tomorrow

wbelle

This is not a cry for help but a cry for love and empathy. We have only one life to live and should live it fully. We should not regret our choices but learn from them. Just don’t learn from them by not giving it your all. All love to those that you love, letting them know as much as possible that you love them and miss them. All help to those that need it, as much as we can. All understanding and empathy, especially to love ones, but to strangers as well.

I wrote the following during a sensitive moment and no, it is not a poem. More like a pouring out of feelings I had to get down and out of my head. I know I am not alone in these feelings so thought I would share.

If I died tomorrow

If I died tomorrow would you care?

If I died tomorrow would you regret not contacting me and staying silent?

Would it make a difference to you if I am not here?

Would you beg for the time back?

Would you cry yourself to sleep?

Would you miss our times together?

The laughs, the hugs, the talks, the smiles and the tears shared?

Would you look at pictures, realizing I was the one taking them, so not many of me to remember? 

We don’t have forever, only a short time together.

Once it’s our time to go, that’s it.

Only memories and pictures to turn to and stories others have to tell.

Don’t waste the time we have by being hung up on your beliefs and hard “headedness”.

My love is so great and given freely.

I need that love in return, just as anyone does. 

So again I ask,

If I died tomorrow, would you care?

Belle xoxo (Dawn)