At this time in my life, I am feeling a bit out in left field. I feel that one part of my life is closed and another is beginning, with the continuation of me going through it. Does that make sense?
For the last 30 years I have had happy times, fun times, frustrating and upset times, along with all that is in between. It has just been life. Unfortunately I felt I wasn’t enough, nor made a difference, in a person’s life and had to walk away from all I have known for those last 30 years. It truly is like grieving a loss as I have gone through this change. I know it is for the best for us both and hopefully we will come out the other side with a better understanding of each other and why it all happened the way it did.
My absolute wish is that he finds stability and strength in himself that I always tried to make him see as I saw in him.
I have found in myself a person I knew myself to be as well as a person I did not know yet. Funny how that happens when all you have is time to know yourself. As I have gone through counseling in the last 2 1/2 years, I have learned that I am an emotional person and that is okay. That I am very sensitive to others, want to please others (but now make sure there are boundaries in doing so), know that the reason I like being alone at times is my mind needs peace from others and the world when it is overwhelmed, realize when someone is trying to blame me for something they are actually to blame for or share in the blame for, and that even though I do not like conflict, at times I have to face it to get through it or end it immediately. I even realize that I do not trust my own decisions at times, because I have made some pretty bad ones in the past. And there is so much more.
I am very blessed to have family and friends that love me and support me. Even if they do not understand what I am going through or why I do things at times right now, they trust that I will get through it and be okay. They are there for me if I need them as I am here for them as well.
I have some life changing decisions to make. And even though I do not have to make them at this moment I will have to make them soon. (Which falls back on my not trusting myself still in making the right decisions.) I am learning to trust myself, what I do and the decisions, and moves, I make in life. I have to realize that even though I love helping others and want them to be happy, I also have to be happy in what I do and how I live. I have learned that this is not being selfish, but being smart. Others respect you more if you respect them by telling them what you cannot do and giving them your boundaries. That is not only showing respect to them but also to yourself.
Now one thing I have been upset about finding in myself is that I had started to react negatively if I was blamed for something and I was the person to blame. I would turn it back around on something or someone else. Now that person may have been partially to blame but I was not accepting my part in it. Until it was thrown back at me that I did it. I could have hit the ground! I was ashamed that I had not realized I had picked up a bad habit of not completely accepting my wrong doings, especially when I used to pride myself in accepting when I did something wrong. No one likes to be wrong but to accept and admit when you are is strength in itself.
I admit, I picked up some really bad habits in the last few years before and after my separation. To protect myself and those I love, I blocked myself away from them. I cut myself off basically. I would not talk about my problems, what I was going through, nor what was going on with me. I was both ashamed of what I was going through as well as not wanting to bring anyone into my problems and weigh them down with everything. It was my cross to bear and my problems to fix or get through. Therefore, everyone I love thought I was becoming someone they didn’t know anymore just because I would not talk or share. They thought I didn’t trust nor love them anymore. Especially my boys. (For this I am so upset about and ashamed.) I didn’t want them hurting any more than what they were going through seeing their parents separating. Unfortunately, because I did this, they were getting only one side of the story. I feel I have messed up my relationship with them because of this and it hurts so much. They say they know and are not blind to things, but still, I don’t think they realize everything.
Anyway, I just had to put this all down because it has been rolling around in my head for quite a long time now. I had to place it down somewhere, so why not here. Ha!
I am still going through things, as you see, but it is getting better every day. I pray some day I will look back on this and think, “Sheesh, you over reacted!” (*Rolling eyes) Time will tell.
Thank you, once again, my friends for bearing with me and my sharing what is in my head and heart.
Have a wonderful weekend!! <3