Category: Uncategorized

Why does it hurt so bad?

To know that you loved someone for so long, fought for them, tried to explain to them things that hurt and needed to be corrected in the relationship.  Tried to “fix” things that could be seen yet they could not see it for years.  Loved them through all they went through, took care of them the best you could, and continue to do the things you needed to keep things going.  Giving up needs for yourself so they would be better and be happy.

I hate knowing that I did everything I could to make things good and happy for us and our family, putting aside things for me, believing that one day we would be happy again and able to do things we wanted to do.  I trusted that.  I hate that I unselfishly gave myself to others for so long, not knowing there needed to be boundaries and shared responsibilities to have a strong relationship.  I hate not knowing all this killed a relationship I trusted would be there always.

I hate knowing I made choices that have put me where I am.  I made the choice to take care of everything and everyone for years.  I made the choice to put my self-care and happiness aside so that others would be okay and happy.  I made the choice too late to do something about making me happy and leaving what I couldn’t control.  For me, I made the choice to stay in a relationship trusting that everything would eventually be okay.  And then having to make the choice that we are better off apart.

I’m not perfect. Lord knows I am so far from perfect!  And I am not saying I am or that I need sympathy or understanding.  Just needed to get this down, once again, and out of my head. (*covering face with hands*)

I also made the choice to find what was missing in my life.  What I could do to make me happy.  Yes, I may have made wrong choices in doing this.  Yes, I may have made mistakes.  I have learned from those mistakes.  As a matter of fact, I am still learning.

What some think is wrong where I am concerned and in the things I am doing, others believe in me and know I am on a journey to understand and feel good in myself.  We all need to understand ourselves and learn what is right in ourselves.  People say we only have so much time…to live, to do, to forgive, to do what is best, to learn, to be happy.  But, we do have time for all this.  We have our own time.  There is no reason to rush.  There is no reason to quickly take in everything you do and learn every day.

I am tired of being the one that is wrong, bad, a sinner… We are ALL wrong, bad and sinners in our own way.  It is the way of the world.  No one is perfect.  No one has the right to judge someone else.  No one has the right to tell someone else how to live and love.  We have to accept one another as we are.  We are all human.

Heaven forbid we lose someone, or ourselves pass away, too soon.  Make sure you share your love with all those that matter to you.  Make sure that those that you love know you do and feel it.  Make sure that those that have hurt you know you have forgiven them and moved on.  Let those around you feel your love and peace through all you do and say.

We all have the time we have.  Use it wisely and enjoy the journey.

I will step down now.  Thank you for your attention so that I could share.  🙂

Belle xo

*Pic from Pixabay

So, I haven’t been here for a few days because my aunt passed away and so I have been spending it with family.  She was my father’s brother’s wife.  A wonderful woman that I looked up to.  During her funeral service they asked if anyone felt moved to share any thoughts or memories to stand and share.  I did not stand.  However, I had so many memories running through my head.

One of the memories of my childhood was when my sister and I stayed with my aunt and uncle one summer and we helped clean, I think, the Shriner’s Club.  I remember the ash trays we had to dump, cleaning the tables, vacuuming and as we did these things, my aunt had the old country music going and we sang along as we worked.  So, even though we were working we had fun while doing it.

She was a strong woman.  In strength and spirit.  She didn’t look like it.  She looked pampered and spoiled but she was far from it.  She spoke her mind and had strong beliefs and did not back down from those beliefs.  She worked hard when she had to and helped others as much as she could.  I loved just watching her.

Since my younger days, when we would get together with the family more often, we progressively did not get together as often and saw everyone less frequently.  We were hours away where we lived and had our own lives to live.  It’s sad when you don’t live close to family because you grow apart.  Even though the love is still there, you’re just not close.

Every time we have a family funeral, we cousins always say we need to get together and make plans, but life takes over again and we don’t until the next one occurs.  It’s sad, but that’s how it is and life goes on, it just continues on.

Belle xo

I know I have been doing only the song challenge for the most part over the last month, but I plan on changing that in the new year.  I have been dealing with so much this past year that to have this to escape into has kinda helped a bit.  It’s been disheartening to see the side of me that gets down and depressed, but I know it is me going through things and processing things I have had to deal with and am dealing with in my own way.  It’s hard to leave a relationship you had invested so much time and effort into.  But when you realize that you have done all you can and that if you don’t leave that relationship it will most likely go back to the way it was eventually again, there is no other option.  Not if I want to be happy and be me again.  I lost me.

I have always been one to see the brighter side of things. To see the good and the bad, but lean toward the good.  To put myself in someone else’s shoes so that I can understand what they are going through.  To not judge others because they may be going through something worse than I am.  To be sensitive to others and help if I can.

With all these things, I am learning to do them with self thought and mindfulness to self.   I must have my boundaries so that I can do them without losing myself in the process.  I am still learning.  I do lose myself still at times.  But I am getting better at it (I think).

The writing and sharing here on my blog helps a lot too.  Even if no one reads these things I write and share, it is offering me a way to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head and down on “paper’ (so to speak).  Which gives me release to the anxiety and stress I feel when holding it all in.  And I thank you all that do come by, read my posts and give me comments and feed back!  It really does help too.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that my goal for the new year is to get more into joining prompts and writing more here in my blog.  It’s time to do more.  I hope y’all can handle it! 😉

Belle xo

I am at this point and totally understanding what Brené is saying in this quote!

I am unraveling and embracing the me I am <3

Belle xo

*Picture Quote found on Pinterest