August 2024 - Wondering Belle

Sitting outside in our back garden and enjoying the peace, I decided to do a video and share it on TikTok. It was so peaceful and relaxing I just had to share. Once I was done I watched it and did another video about my thoughts. When looking at the first video I just saw how I am getting old, or aging gracefully, as some will put it. As I said in the second video, you see all the changes you’re going through. And thinking about everything I am learning about myself, it’s amazing how you never stop learning. It doesn’t matter your age and what you are going through or have been through.

I wish I had known more before now of the things I know, but I know it now and can work with it. I am learning why I do the things I do and how to work with these particular things and the knowledge I now have. I have put in a request for testing but I am on a waiting list. The thing about realizing you are “different” is learning how to work with it and use it to the best of your abilities. Don’t let it be a negative, make it a positive in your life. Help yourself and others, if at all possible.

I have self-diagnosed myself as a neurodivergent, with ADHD and dyslexia tendencies. But to verify this self-diagnoses I need to have testing done and to learn how to use and work with it to make my life better. I believe the symptoms have always been a part of me and are now magnified somewhat because of my menopause (or maybe even added to).

None the less, I realize why I was the way I was: growing up, in school, with friends (or not with friends), with my ex and with other relationships with family (including my boys), in work, it is actually baffling and like a light bulb has been switched on. I apologize to anyone that misunderstood me or that I hurt because of not knowing myself. (I know it isn’t my fault not knowing or understanding, but I still feel bad about it.) It is actually no one’s fault, it is just what and how it is.

And yes, I know it is as if everyone has come out with these “problems.” The thing is there is so much more information on ADHD, Neurodivergence, Dyslexia, etc… Knowing helps us to understand and work with these things. Just like everything, it will mesh back into everyday life findings and we will continue to function better because of the knowledge we learn from it.

Enjoy in the learning and understanding of things and people around you and have an amazing day and weekend!

xoxo

Getting to an understanding of myself and what I do
I see I have not been honest in the way I am
Freezing up and shutting down, putting up a wall too
Its unhelpful that way I chose to deal and

I apologize for the way I handled things
I always thought I was good at communicating
Until I wasn’t with the ones I love
and that mean the most to me in this world

It’s important to get this right and say it the best way I can
I am who I am and I love who I love
If I loved you at any point in my life, I still do
I do not hold grudges and I don’t just stop caring

I am a simple yet complicated person
I may hold things back but will tell you how I feel when asked
It may not be what you want or your version
It is just my perspective in one blast

Knowing what I know now explains so much
Not only how I was then but how I handled things
And how I saw things in my head and surroundings
My overactive and overthinking brain as it was, is and will be

I have always wanted to fit in, to make others happy and feel that they are worth so much
My love is so strong and over the top at times that I may overwhelm others
But it is me and how I am, to the point I overwhelm myself at times
Then at other times I hold back, not sure it, or I, will be accepted

I hold things in and stay away when I don’t want to hurt others or share my problems
In my mind I am saving others from problems they don’t want nor need
Not realizing by staying away it doesn’t help either
So I end up causing problems anyway

So I apologize to those I love and to myself for not understanding until recently
To understand myself helps me understand my past and to understand others around me
It also helps for my now and future understandings
Do you understand what I am saying?

The point is, as I have always believed, we are always learning, teaching and understanding
This includes ourselves, others, and life in general
We have to live life to the fullest and do all we can to be in the now
For ourselves, others and just life

So, to myself and all reading this, know you are loved, are enough, are in this life to live it to the fullest and do your part to make an impact, if only a small one
It doesn’t have to be big, but you ARE making a difference by just being here in this world we live in

All my love
xoxo