Tag: thoughts

I know there are a lot out there that do not agree with me.  This world has so much to learn.  I feel so sorry for how close minded so many on this earth are.  I also feel sorry for those that think they do no wrong or no harm.  Those are the ones that judge.  They are the ones that turn their noses up at those that are different.  God gave us a reason for being on this earth.  He brought us into this world to make a difference in one way or another.  And, I believe, he is the only one that has the ultimate judgment on us all.  

Yes, there are people who do not believe in God.  There are also those that believe in other beings that put us here for a reason.  There are those that do not believe in any beings or Gods.  I believe there is a God.  I believe there are other spiritual beings and so much more in this world than we have any idea of being here.  Until that is proven otherwise I will continue to believe this.  

I cannot prove any of this, but I know I was brought up to believe in a God above all Gods.  

Now, just because I believe this, and know he is guiding me and watching out for me, does not mean I am greater than anyone else.  I am a sinner, as we all are.  I will never ever say I am better than anyone.  All people have been placed on this earth and in our lives for a reason.  Be it a lesson to learn, I life to change, a love to share…there are so many reasons.  

I have many creative gifts I have been given, and am trying to use each that was given to me in the best way.  I do not take for granted all that has been given to me.  I want so much to share them and make use of all of them in a way that makes a difference.  I am still learning what this is and as I learn I just hope I touch others in the right way.  I know I have been touched by so many.  

I was so innocent growing up.  I know my parents were protecting me from being hurt and knowing too much.  They wanted me to grow up the right way with no bad information to taint my ideas and the way I was.  Bless them.

I do wish I had been wiser where the way of the world and sex is concerned.  I believe there is a lot of information out there to learn and that teenagers should be aware of a lot of things that can either get them in trouble (like sharing private pics on the phone when underage) and things they should understand and be privy to so that they have a better way to protect themselves because they are in the know.  

I know we all have to grow up and learn things for ourselves.  I hope that we brought our sons up in a more open-minded home.  I still feel we did not make information available that they needed to make the right decisions.  But we did the best we could with what we felt was available without making their decisions for them.  I believe they have grown to be such fine wonderful men and am so proud of them.  I pray that they will always love their father and me, no matter what we go through and how we might change and do things.  

I am learning every day about things and am trying to find ways of expressing myself and helping others at the same time.  Maybe one day soon I will realize what that certain thing is.  Until then, I will continue to love those around me, help those I can help, listen to those that need an ear and a hand to hold and continue learning and growing every single day.

Belle xo

Why does it hurt so bad?

To know that you loved someone for so long, fought for them, tried to explain to them things that hurt and needed to be corrected in the relationship.  Tried to “fix” things that could be seen yet they could not see it for years.  Loved them through all they went through, took care of them the best you could, and continue to do the things you needed to keep things going.  Giving up needs for yourself so they would be better and be happy.

I hate knowing that I did everything I could to make things good and happy for us and our family, putting aside things for me, believing that one day we would be happy again and able to do things we wanted to do.  I trusted that.  I hate that I unselfishly gave myself to others for so long, not knowing there needed to be boundaries and shared responsibilities to have a strong relationship.  I hate not knowing all this killed a relationship I trusted would be there always.

I hate knowing I made choices that have put me where I am.  I made the choice to take care of everything and everyone for years.  I made the choice to put my self-care and happiness aside so that others would be okay and happy.  I made the choice too late to do something about making me happy and leaving what I couldn’t control.  For me, I made the choice to stay in a relationship trusting that everything would eventually be okay.  And then having to make the choice that we are better off apart.

I’m not perfect. Lord knows I am so far from perfect!  And I am not saying I am or that I need sympathy or understanding.  Just needed to get this down, once again, and out of my head. (*covering face with hands*)

I also made the choice to find what was missing in my life.  What I could do to make me happy.  Yes, I may have made wrong choices in doing this.  Yes, I may have made mistakes.  I have learned from those mistakes.  As a matter of fact, I am still learning.

What some think is wrong where I am concerned and in the things I am doing, others believe in me and know I am on a journey to understand and feel good in myself.  We all need to understand ourselves and learn what is right in ourselves.  People say we only have so much time…to live, to do, to forgive, to do what is best, to learn, to be happy.  But, we do have time for all this.  We have our own time.  There is no reason to rush.  There is no reason to quickly take in everything you do and learn every day.

I am tired of being the one that is wrong, bad, a sinner… We are ALL wrong, bad and sinners in our own way.  It is the way of the world.  No one is perfect.  No one has the right to judge someone else.  No one has the right to tell someone else how to live and love.  We have to accept one another as we are.  We are all human.

Heaven forbid we lose someone, or ourselves pass away, too soon.  Make sure you share your love with all those that matter to you.  Make sure that those that you love know you do and feel it.  Make sure that those that have hurt you know you have forgiven them and moved on.  Let those around you feel your love and peace through all you do and say.

We all have the time we have.  Use it wisely and enjoy the journey.

I will step down now.  Thank you for your attention so that I could share.  🙂

Belle xo

*Pic from Pixabay

So, I haven’t been here for a few days because my aunt passed away and so I have been spending it with family.  She was my father’s brother’s wife.  A wonderful woman that I looked up to.  During her funeral service they asked if anyone felt moved to share any thoughts or memories to stand and share.  I did not stand.  However, I had so many memories running through my head.

One of the memories of my childhood was when my sister and I stayed with my aunt and uncle one summer and we helped clean, I think, the Shriner’s Club.  I remember the ash trays we had to dump, cleaning the tables, vacuuming and as we did these things, my aunt had the old country music going and we sang along as we worked.  So, even though we were working we had fun while doing it.

She was a strong woman.  In strength and spirit.  She didn’t look like it.  She looked pampered and spoiled but she was far from it.  She spoke her mind and had strong beliefs and did not back down from those beliefs.  She worked hard when she had to and helped others as much as she could.  I loved just watching her.

Since my younger days, when we would get together with the family more often, we progressively did not get together as often and saw everyone less frequently.  We were hours away where we lived and had our own lives to live.  It’s sad when you don’t live close to family because you grow apart.  Even though the love is still there, you’re just not close.

Every time we have a family funeral, we cousins always say we need to get together and make plans, but life takes over again and we don’t until the next one occurs.  It’s sad, but that’s how it is and life goes on, it just continues on.

Belle xo

I know I have been doing only the song challenge for the most part over the last month, but I plan on changing that in the new year.  I have been dealing with so much this past year that to have this to escape into has kinda helped a bit.  It’s been disheartening to see the side of me that gets down and depressed, but I know it is me going through things and processing things I have had to deal with and am dealing with in my own way.  It’s hard to leave a relationship you had invested so much time and effort into.  But when you realize that you have done all you can and that if you don’t leave that relationship it will most likely go back to the way it was eventually again, there is no other option.  Not if I want to be happy and be me again.  I lost me.

I have always been one to see the brighter side of things. To see the good and the bad, but lean toward the good.  To put myself in someone else’s shoes so that I can understand what they are going through.  To not judge others because they may be going through something worse than I am.  To be sensitive to others and help if I can.

With all these things, I am learning to do them with self thought and mindfulness to self.   I must have my boundaries so that I can do them without losing myself in the process.  I am still learning.  I do lose myself still at times.  But I am getting better at it (I think).

The writing and sharing here on my blog helps a lot too.  Even if no one reads these things I write and share, it is offering me a way to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head and down on “paper’ (so to speak).  Which gives me release to the anxiety and stress I feel when holding it all in.  And I thank you all that do come by, read my posts and give me comments and feed back!  It really does help too.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that my goal for the new year is to get more into joining prompts and writing more here in my blog.  It’s time to do more.  I hope y’all can handle it! 😉

Belle xo

I am at this point and totally understanding what Brené is saying in this quote!

I am unraveling and embracing the me I am <3

Belle xo

*Picture Quote found on Pinterest

I have to get this out of my head, share it and move on…..

Have you ever been afraid to let go of something you have known for so long?  Even if it is for the best.  Even if there have been so many reasons that it is better to let go than to hang on.  Even if it will make you happy?

I have been in this very spot for years.  I know it is for the best, but I have known it for so long, lived it for so long, it is scary to let go.

I have been in a relationship for over thirty years.  It scares the shit out of me to let it go.  It is all I have known for those thirty years.  Even knowing it is better for me to get out of it and move on, it is so damn hard! Have you ever been in something that long, known it was not good for you, yet you continued to have hope, continued to fight for it, continued to see the good side of it all?  Yet finally realize it wasn’t working, you weren’t making it change and it was actually hurting you not helping you to stay in it?

Then once you had finally gotten to that point, had given up, had gotten out, that the other person realized what had happened and finally started to say they were sorry, say they were going to change, say they had changed and were finally doing something to show for it….but, because of how this person has been over the years, saying all these things and not actually putting into action what they said, that you can’t believe them?  It tears you apart, breaks your heart and just hurts so much because it’s all you ever wanted and fought for up to where you finally let go.

I think what scares me the most is the change.  I have always said I love change.  Yet, here I am scared to death by this change because it is something so new and life changing that I have no idea how it will pan out.

When you have shared so much and gone through so much with a person and finally have to let them go, it makes you want to scream out, “WHY???”

“Why couldn’t you see this years ago when it first started? Why couldn’t you fight with me instead of waiting until I finally gave up? Why did you have to have these problems and why did it have to affect how we were and are?  Why couldn’t I fix it?  Why couldn’t I make a difference?  Why couldn’t I save us?  Why do I have to feel like such a failure? Why did I have to feel like I wasn’t good enough?  Why???????”

I am learning that it is not my fault, but I still get those feelings.  I still get those doubts.  I still feel like if I had just done something different it would have been okay, even knowing there wasn’t anything I could do.

I have always put others before myself and am learning to put myself first sometimes now.  I feel like it makes me look and sound like a narcissist, knowing I am furthest from such a person.  I have always been empathetic to others to a fault, taking on their problems if I can and putting myself in their shoes.  I care about others to a point my heart hurts and I lose myself for worrying about them.  I never realized that there are boundaries we must have and that people are responsible for their own problems and feelings and that I can’t take them on.  I can be there for them, support them, but it is not my responsibility to take them on as mine.

I must say through all this I have learned so much, about others and definitely about myself.  I just have to learn to move forward, to face change, and to trust that all will work out the way it is meant to.  The way God has planned it to work out.  It’s just really hard to see that it all will be okay at this point.

Belle xo

*Picture is from Pinterest