So, I haven’t been here for a few days because my aunt passed away and so I have been spending it with family.  She was my father’s brother’s wife.  A wonderful woman that I looked up to.  During her funeral service they asked if anyone felt moved to share any thoughts or memories to stand and share.  I did not stand.  However, I had so many memories running through my head.

One of the memories of my childhood was when my sister and I stayed with my aunt and uncle one summer and we helped clean, I think, the Shriner’s Club.  I remember the ash trays we had to dump, cleaning the tables, vacuuming and as we did these things, my aunt had the old country music going and we sang along as we worked.  So, even though we were working we had fun while doing it.

She was a strong woman.  In strength and spirit.  She didn’t look like it.  She looked pampered and spoiled but she was far from it.  She spoke her mind and had strong beliefs and did not back down from those beliefs.  She worked hard when she had to and helped others as much as she could.  I loved just watching her.

Since my younger days, when we would get together with the family more often, we progressively did not get together as often and saw everyone less frequently.  We were hours away where we lived and had our own lives to live.  It’s sad when you don’t live close to family because you grow apart.  Even though the love is still there, you’re just not close.

Every time we have a family funeral, we cousins always say we need to get together and make plans, but life takes over again and we don’t until the next one occurs.  It’s sad, but that’s how it is and life goes on, it just continues on.

Belle xo

I know I have been doing only the song challenge for the most part over the last month, but I plan on changing that in the new year.  I have been dealing with so much this past year that to have this to escape into has kinda helped a bit.  It’s been disheartening to see the side of me that gets down and depressed, but I know it is me going through things and processing things I have had to deal with and am dealing with in my own way.  It’s hard to leave a relationship you had invested so much time and effort into.  But when you realize that you have done all you can and that if you don’t leave that relationship it will most likely go back to the way it was eventually again, there is no other option.  Not if I want to be happy and be me again.  I lost me.

I have always been one to see the brighter side of things. To see the good and the bad, but lean toward the good.  To put myself in someone else’s shoes so that I can understand what they are going through.  To not judge others because they may be going through something worse than I am.  To be sensitive to others and help if I can.

With all these things, I am learning to do them with self thought and mindfulness to self.   I must have my boundaries so that I can do them without losing myself in the process.  I am still learning.  I do lose myself still at times.  But I am getting better at it (I think).

The writing and sharing here on my blog helps a lot too.  Even if no one reads these things I write and share, it is offering me a way to get the thoughts and feelings out of my head and down on “paper’ (so to speak).  Which gives me release to the anxiety and stress I feel when holding it all in.  And I thank you all that do come by, read my posts and give me comments and feed back!  It really does help too.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that my goal for the new year is to get more into joining prompts and writing more here in my blog.  It’s time to do more.  I hope y’all can handle it! 😉

Belle xo

I am at this point and totally understanding what Brené is saying in this quote!

I am unraveling and embracing the me I am <3

Belle xo

*Picture Quote found on Pinterest

I have to get this out of my head, share it and move on…..

Have you ever been afraid to let go of something you have known for so long?  Even if it is for the best.  Even if there have been so many reasons that it is better to let go than to hang on.  Even if it will make you happy?

I have been in this very spot for years.  I know it is for the best, but I have known it for so long, lived it for so long, it is scary to let go.

I have been in a relationship for over thirty years.  It scares the shit out of me to let it go.  It is all I have known for those thirty years.  Even knowing it is better for me to get out of it and move on, it is so damn hard! Have you ever been in something that long, known it was not good for you, yet you continued to have hope, continued to fight for it, continued to see the good side of it all?  Yet finally realize it wasn’t working, you weren’t making it change and it was actually hurting you not helping you to stay in it?

Then once you had finally gotten to that point, had given up, had gotten out, that the other person realized what had happened and finally started to say they were sorry, say they were going to change, say they had changed and were finally doing something to show for it….but, because of how this person has been over the years, saying all these things and not actually putting into action what they said, that you can’t believe them?  It tears you apart, breaks your heart and just hurts so much because it’s all you ever wanted and fought for up to where you finally let go.

I think what scares me the most is the change.  I have always said I love change.  Yet, here I am scared to death by this change because it is something so new and life changing that I have no idea how it will pan out.

When you have shared so much and gone through so much with a person and finally have to let them go, it makes you want to scream out, “WHY???”

“Why couldn’t you see this years ago when it first started? Why couldn’t you fight with me instead of waiting until I finally gave up? Why did you have to have these problems and why did it have to affect how we were and are?  Why couldn’t I fix it?  Why couldn’t I make a difference?  Why couldn’t I save us?  Why do I have to feel like such a failure? Why did I have to feel like I wasn’t good enough?  Why???????”

I am learning that it is not my fault, but I still get those feelings.  I still get those doubts.  I still feel like if I had just done something different it would have been okay, even knowing there wasn’t anything I could do.

I have always put others before myself and am learning to put myself first sometimes now.  I feel like it makes me look and sound like a narcissist, knowing I am furthest from such a person.  I have always been empathetic to others to a fault, taking on their problems if I can and putting myself in their shoes.  I care about others to a point my heart hurts and I lose myself for worrying about them.  I never realized that there are boundaries we must have and that people are responsible for their own problems and feelings and that I can’t take them on.  I can be there for them, support them, but it is not my responsibility to take them on as mine.

I must say through all this I have learned so much, about others and definitely about myself.  I just have to learn to move forward, to face change, and to trust that all will work out the way it is meant to.  The way God has planned it to work out.  It’s just really hard to see that it all will be okay at this point.

Belle xo

*Picture is from Pinterest

Knowing you are enough after a long time of thinking you aren’t is a big step.  It is self-loving and healing.  It is believing in yourself enough to realize you are enough.

Truth is, you are enough and you always were!

Belle xo

*Pics from Pinterest