Do you ever wonder what your purpose in life is? Why you were brought in to this life and put on this earth as you are? I ask myself these question every now and then.
I am a daughter, mother, friend. I’ve been a lover, partner, wife. I love art in many different areas…writing (of course), music, paintings, sculptures and any art made with hands.
I feel I have been put on this earth and in this life time to touch many people with my love, my music and my presence. I don’t know how many people I will touch in my lifetime, but I hope it is many and I hope I help in some way be it even just a very small amount. I have felt it hard to see why I am here recently because I have been through so much, but I know there is a reason no matter what.
We are all put through things in life to learn and to grow. I am hoping it is in the right direction and that by me doing so, I have others beside me along the way.
I know I have learned so much about life, others and myself in the past few years its amazing! To live with someone who has PTSD and not know it until after 30 years together. Seeing them distance themselves more and more from you, thinking it is my fault they are this way toward me, as if I have done something wrong, finally giving up trying to fix it and separating for him to find out and be diagnosed. Then to realize that not only has he been affected but that I have because of it and have to seek out help for myself as well. Finding that it has torn us apart along with pre-existing factors as well to the point I find I cannot go back to it. Realizing I was “acting out” in my own strange way before our separation because I was lost and trying to understand what was wrong and what was lost.
I truly am sad because, even knowing it is because of both of us that we have gotten to this point, I never wanted this and feel sometimes ashamed and upset that it has ended up this way. No one ever wants to have to take back their vows when they feel so strongly about them. Unfortunately things happen where you have to, to have peace of mind, strength to move on and a happier life.
I have learned through all this that I am a very sensitive person. I feel other people’s emotions and put myself in others’ shoes, to the point I get lost in them thinking it is me. I have learned I have to separate myself from these feelings and emotions, to realize they are not mine but to understand them and hopefully let the person going through them know that I am there if help needed but realizing it is not my responsibility to take on. In other words, I have to let a person take responsibility for their own emotions, feelings and reactions. I have my own to be responsible for. And if I am told I am responsible for the way someone feels or reacts I have to make sure my boundaries are known and that I am not responsible for their feelings nor reactions. I will understand and empathize but I will not take on that responsibility.
I am still learning this so I will slip back at times and take on what is not mine. I then have to realize this, step back and draw that boundary once more.
My therapist says it is a gift to be so sensitive and empathetic to others. It is just learning how to hone into it and use it properly. And I am slowly getting there.
So I guess with all this, I am just trying to say, be good to yourself. Learn your goods and bads, your pluses and minuses, your ups and downs and work with it. We all have them and we all can learn from them and use them. To help both ourselves and others. I hope I am making sense with all this. Maybe it is just my way of thinking and understanding. I don’t know. Just something that was heavy on my mind today and wanted to share.
Have a wonderful rest of your day!
Belle xo
