As I was saying in my last post, one of the things on the list to write about and get out of my system is my crazy messed up life. To some it isn’t that crazy and messed up. But to me, I feel it really is.
I have gone through a lot in the last few years. I have gone through changes, understandings/misunderstandings, depression, anxiety, counseling, separation, getting to know myself all over again, realizing I am not always to blame and that I can’t fix things if its not my responsibility to do so, feeling shame and guilt for things of which I usually have no control over being wrong, and just soooo many things I am not going to continue listing them.
I love those around me and have said yes so many times to make things right and make people happy that I lost myself in the process. I tried to keep conflict at bay for so long that no one is used to me saying no or saying what I feel. Now that I am, I believe I am either freaking people out and they are thinking I have a problem, or they are worried that I am going to change so much I will be out of their lives (of which I have no plans to do so and could never see myself out of the lives of those I love).
I am a big part of my problems. I cannot take all the blame, but I definitely do not deny my part in my problems. I am not one to blame others for my short comings or problems. If it is my fault, or at least partly my fault, I admit it full heartedly. I am definitely no saint, far from it, so would never say I am not wrong…ever. Some fuss at me for taking on full blame for things and I am learning not to, but it is something I am learning.
Anyway, those are some of the thoughts for now on my messed up crazy life. I hope you all reading this, realize it is just me spitting out thoughts from my head. I thank you for giving me this time to do so and for those reading, thank you for doing that and maybe you might have some input on similar things?
Have a wonderful night and I will write about more upbeat things tomorrow.
Belle xo
*Picture from Pinterest
