me Archives - Page 3 of 6 - Wondering Belle

This World And My Belief

30 March 2019 wbelle

56175c81514ef0003a410ab5703922c7

I know there are a lot out there that do not agree with me. This world has so much to learn. I feel so sorry for how close minded so many on this earth are. I also feel sorry for those that think they do no wrong or no harm. Those are the ones that judge. They are the ones that turn their noses up at those that are different. God gave us a reason for being on this earth. He brought us into this world to make a difference in one way or another. And, I believe, he is the only one that has the ultimate judgment on us all.

Yes, there are people who do not believe in God. There are also those that believe in other beings that put us here for a reason. There are those that do not believe in any beings or Gods. I believe there is a God. I believe there are other spiritual beings and so much more in this world than we have any idea of being here. Until that is proven otherwise I will continue to believe this.

I cannot prove any of this, but I know I was brought up to believe in a God above all Gods.

Now, just because I believe this, and know he is guiding me and watching out for me, does not mean I am greater than anyone else. I am a sinner, as we all are. I will never ever say I am better than anyone. All people have been placed on this earth and in our lives for a reason. Be it a lesson to learn, I life to change, a love to share…there are so many reasons.

I have many creative gifts I have been given, and am trying to use each that was given to me in the best way. I do not take for granted all that has been given to me. I want so much to share them and make use of all of them in a way that makes a difference. I am still learning what this is and as I learn I just hope I touch others in the right way. I know I have been touched by so many.

I was so innocent growing up. I know my parents were protecting me from being hurt and knowing too much. They wanted me to grow up the right way with no bad information to taint my ideas and the way I was. Bless them.

I do wish I had been wiser where the way of the world and sex is concerned. I believe there is a lot of information out there to learn and that teenagers should be aware of a lot of things that can either get them in trouble (like sharing private pics on the phone when underage) and things they should understand and be privy to so that they have a better way to protect themselves because they are in the know.

I know we all have to grow up and learn things for ourselves. I hope that we brought our sons up in a more open-minded home. I still feel we did not make information available that they needed to make the right decisions. But we did the best we could with what we felt was available without making their decisions for them. I believe they have grown to be such fine wonderful men and am so proud of them. I pray that they will always love their father and me, no matter what we go through and how we might change and do things.

I am learning every day about things and am trying to find ways of expressing myself and helping others at the same time. Maybe one day soon I will realize what that certain thing is. Until then, I will continue to love those around me, help those I can help, listen to those that need an ear and a hand to hold and continue learning and growing every single day.

Belle xo

Hurting

Haven’t Been Here

25 March 2019 wbelle

So sorry I haven’t been here recently. I am dealing with a lot and trying to work through it at the same time. I have been at a writing conference and then working on some things regarding writing. Trying to move forward in doing one of the things I love.

I am trying to not let things people say sway me to react and lose myself in being manipulated to act in the wrong way that I would be sorry in doing so. I am a strong person but we all have our weaknesses and soft spots that can make us automatically react or act in the wrong way. Several times recently I have had to stop myself, step back and breathe.

I am shaking, even at this moment, from something I received and read. There are lies and half-truths about me in this document and it affected me to this point. Unfortunately I know it is in part from hurting and reacting to something he believes. I feel sorry for him, yet also I am angry that he is trying to hurt me in the same breath, in many ways.

I have been advised not to respond, so I am not. But how I would love to!

I am an empathetic, loving, heart wide open person. I have things I am working through, so I am guessing with me not talking about things, so that I can do this, it is making me look like a liar and a person hiding things. Which I am sorry for, because that is not me, nor what I am meaning to do.

It’s amazing to me that some people have to constantly jump to their own conclusions and judgments regarding me. Instead, I wish they would just come to me. Ask me the questions they want to know. If I can answer them, I will. If I feel I need more time to understand things myself, I will tell that person so.

Anyway, I just really needed to get this all out of my head and heart. I am really taking this a bit hard this time.

All my love,

Belle xo

Hurting

Did you ever think…?

8 March 2019 wbelle

depression-72318__480

I wrote this because I am hurting right now. I am hurting because the person I thought I would always have beside me and love had gone so far away from me I had to finally let go and find happiness. I am hurting because he has decided to constantly lash out at me, since I have decided to let go, by blaming me for things he hears others say about me, and then tell those I love and are dear to me (that should not even be told these things), making my relationship strained and raw.

It was hard enough letting go of the one I had loved and swore I would never leave. The one I spent years taking care of and supporting and being there through all the bad/sad/frustrating times. The one I constantly tried to make happy and show I was happy no matter what we went through. The one that fun, happy times together are the most wonderful memories I cherish. And because of circumstances we both brought on from years of progressively going down a black hole, I had to leave. It was the best thing for me to do. He has finally learned how to stand on his own two feet and make something wonderful happen in his life.

Yet, he continues to try to make things hard for me and continues to try and find things that will hurt me because he is hurting. So I had to get this out of me so that I can find my strength from within to continue moving forward and stop letting these thoughts and feelings bring me down as they have been in the recent days.

So, this I write from that place. If you are reading this, bless you and thank you.

Belle xo

******************************************************************************

Did you ever think…

That you had something to do with the change

That you lied on a constant basis

That you made promises and constantly broke them

That you made me feel I was wrong

That you made me feel I wasn’t worth it

That you left me alone

That you hurting hurt me too

That your pain was my pain

That all I wanted was you to come back

That I wanted you to fight for me, for us

That what you did and said affected not only me

That I hung on for years trusting

That my trust was constantly broken

That all I kept thinking was it had to get better

That if I threw back what you did to me you would see it hurt

That I found it didn’t change things

That I learned from you what I swore I would never do or be

That I turned into someone I didn’t know

That I let myself change in a bad way

That because you shut down, eventually so did I

Did you ever think or realize that what you throw out comes back to you?

Did you ever think that my love for you made me let go and find the need to move on?

And do you ever realize by hurting me you hurt those we love too?

Uncategorized

Why?…Choices…Life…

7 March 2019 wbelle

woman-228178__480

Why does it hurt so bad?

To know that you loved someone for so long, fought for them, tried to explain to them things that hurt and needed to be corrected in the relationship. Tried to “fix” things that could be seen yet they could not see it for years. Loved them through all they went through, took care of them the best you could, and continue to do the things you needed to keep things going. Giving up needs for yourself so they would be better and be happy.

I hate knowing that I did everything I could to make things good and happy for us and our family, putting aside things for me, believing that one day we would be happy again and able to do things we wanted to do. I trusted that. I hate that I unselfishly gave myself to others for so long, not knowing there needed to be boundaries and shared responsibilities to have a strong relationship. I hate not knowing all this killed a relationship I trusted would be there always.

I hate knowing I made choices that have put me where I am. I made the choice to take care of everything and everyone for years. I made the choice to put my self-care and happiness aside so that others would be okay and happy. I made the choice too late to do something about making me happy and leaving what I couldn’t control. For me, I made the choice to stay in a relationship trusting that everything would eventually be okay. And then having to make the choice that we are better off apart.

I’m not perfect. Lord knows I am so far from perfect! And I am not saying I am or that I need sympathy or understanding. Just needed to get this down, once again, and out of my head. (*covering face with hands*)

I also made the choice to find what was missing in my life. What I could do to make me happy. Yes, I may have made wrong choices in doing this. Yes, I may have made mistakes. I have learned from those mistakes. As a matter of fact, I am still learning.

What some think is wrong where I am concerned and in the things I am doing, others believe in me and know I am on a journey to understand and feel good in myself. We all need to understand ourselves and learn what is right in ourselves. People say we only have so much time…to live, to do, to forgive, to do what is best, to learn, to be happy. But, we do have time for all this. We have our own time. There is no reason to rush. There is no reason to quickly take in everything you do and learn every day.

I am tired of being the one that is wrong, bad, a sinner… We are ALL wrong, bad and sinners in our own way. It is the way of the world. No one is perfect. No one has the right to judge someone else. No one has the right to tell someone else how to live and love. We have to accept one another as we are. We are all human.

Heaven forbid we lose someone, or ourselves pass away, too soon. Make sure you share your love with all those that matter to you. Make sure that those that you love know you do and feel it. Make sure that those that have hurt you know you have forgiven them and moved on. Let those around you feel your love and peace through all you do and say.

We all have the time we have. Use it wisely and enjoy the journey.

I will step down now. Thank you for your attention so that I could share. 🙂

Belle xo

*Pic from Pixabay

Boundaries

Boundaries and Things I Have Learned

7 February 2019 wbelle

I have learned that boundaries are a very important part of life and living a good, self-loving, happy life. I used to be one of those people that always said “yes” to everything, even if it was not making me happy. As long as I was making the person I said yes to happy, that was okay. I have always been one to keep the peace. To make others happy and keep conflict at bay.

I hated conflict. Still do. But I am learning that sometimes you must face conflict first, to not have it later on.

That’s me^^ – At least it was me and I am still getting through a lot of these things. I have always thought it important to make sure everyone else was happy. Always believed others should come first before me. Felt that I was selfish if I ever wanted to put myself first in anything. Never felt I was good enough. It’s very hard to work myself out of these beliefs that I have held on to for so long in my life. Most of it really.

I am learning that to continue being like this I was losing myself and not being me. I was not the real me that loves to express herself through music, writing and other creative things. I was cutting myself off to everything and everyone I love.

The above list are things I had to start learning myself. To believe in. And to put into practice. I have to constantly remind myself of these things more often than not. It is an everyday battle to hold true to myself and do these things. Once again, I feel I am causing conflict when I do these things. When in all actuality I am just saving myself and being true to me by following and putting them into practice.

Do you have this problem too?

Just like the meme above says, I stress out every time I have to put a boundary into practice. That is my anxiety lashing out. But I know it is to create a safe place for me. And I also know that the more I do this and hold strong to the boundaries I place, I will make a better place for me, those I care about and want in my life.

I still let my anxiety and fear of conflict stop me from placing boundaries and/or following through when I do place them. It is an ever continuing lesson I am learning and trying to hold to. When not holding to boundaries I place, it causes even more conflict. The one thing I continue to avoid! You would think I would learn and hold on to it, faster than I am, just for this reason. (*rolling eyes*)

I will continue to push forward and be steadfast in these boundaries I need for me and those around me.

Do any of you have these struggles like me? If so, I would love to know. It’s nice to know we are not alone in this boundary process, learning and putting it into action.

Belle xo

venting

Pardon me – Vent Time

29 January 2019 wbelle

woman-3275328__480

*Picture from Pixabay

So sorry. If you don’t want to read my vent please move on. I just had to get this out of my head and my heart.

When does it get better???

First off, my ex does not want to let me go and has delayed in any way he can to get the divorce underway. I get it. I really do. But I fought and tried for so long to hang in there, understand and fix things. I finally gave up. He, going through his counseling, etc, has now realized he wants to fight and fix things. After we have gone through counseling and everything. I am done, he is hanging on. I can’t do this. He has us on a constant rollercoaster ride of emotions. I have tried to be understanding and my sensitive self does understand and has put herself in his shoes so many times. I can’t do that anymore now. I am done. I am tired and I just want closure.

Second, there is a psycho out there filling his head with things about me. Showing him and telling him things that are supposedly me that are not true. This person tells him that I am into all kinds of bad things and I am bad and then he says things like, “I don’t know you. And I don’t think I ever did.” He believes them and tries to throw all this at me to make a difference. It doesn’t. Once again, believe what you want, but I am tired and so done with it all. Tell them we are done and you don’t care so they will leave you alone!!

Third, he says he has found himself and who he is and is so much more confident in himself, etc… That’s great and it is all I ever wanted for him. Yet, he can’t let me go and he is constantly still focused on himself instead of how he is affecting me and those around him. I know he has been through a lot of shit. I know he has had to deal with so much crap in his PTSD and us. But he has affected me through all this too. So much so that he pushed me away, locked me out of his life, turned off his love for me by staying away from me (even with me right by his side), made me feel as if nothing I did was good enough, made me feel like I was constantly walking on egg shells and needing to watch anything I said and did so that he would have some kind of peace and I wouldn’t stir up anything to set him off. He got more and more angry over the smallest things (never to the point he would hurt me or the kids), couldn’t do anything for himself that much and always saying he needed me or our kids to do something when it was very easy for him to do so himself, constantly told me lies and made promises he didn’t keep, and just overall went into himself completely. How is anyone supposed to live like that? To continue holding on when the other person is lost to them? To continue to be the optimistic person she has always been?

I mean, even after we were going to marriage counseling it was constantly what was happening to him, what he was going through, what he did to us and how he felt. Yes, he acknowledged things I said and acted like he heard and understood, but he would always go back to the focus being on him and how he was being affected. He still does. He lashes out verbally that he loves me and is fighting and I have given up and he doesn’t know me anymore, etc… He wonders why I don’t want to talk over the phone, but each time I give in and do so, he starts back up again about all the above.

I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE! I am exhausted. We have repeated everything over and over. Emotions are a constant up and down when we “talk”. He holds on to anything positive I say as it being I am okay with us and don’t want this divorce. But that isn’t it. I am who I am. I don’t like to hurt anyone. I try always to be the peace maker. The one that is happy and cheerful and positive no matter what is going on and how I feel inside.

I have had anxiety attacks, self-doubt, shame, guilt (all things I am working on and getting better about because of my counseling and support around me). I am at work or at home and it hits me (depression or emotions) and I just start crying. For no reason! I talk to God, as I always have, and know he is there supporting me and pulling me through all this. Yet at times, as so many people have, I ask, “Why? why me God? What did I do so wrong?” and I know it’s silly but who doesn’t get to that point sometimes?

I just want to be done with all this drama and emotions. I hate that we have come to this. I hate that this is where we are when I thought we would always be together.

Well sometimes it just doesn’t work. Sometimes you have to accept that and let go and move on. That is where I am and I am not looking back now. It is time to step forward and move on.

Thank you, if you stayed and read my vent. I try not to do this often, but it is one of the reasons I started this blog, to have somewhere to be open and write the things I am going through and feeling so that it is no longer stuck in my head.

Bless you and I hope you have a wonderful week!

Belle xo